Hope Reclaimed

You know you couldn't get enough of matzah and indigestion, and apparently so did God, so here it is folks, Pesach Sheni. In Parshs BeHa'alotcha, Pesach Sheni was given for those who missed the opportunity to partake in the korban of the Passover holiday, which marks the foundation of our nation. Pesach Sheni teaches us that there ARE second chances in life, especially from God, who is more forgiving than any mortal. But even mortal matters may be repaired, redone. Don't think that just because we made a mistake, make a bad decision, bad choices, we are forever beholden to the ensuing destiny. We are NOT necessarily doomed.Today is the first day of the rest of our lives. Do with it what you really want done. Pesach sheni is a message of hope that we can alter our destiny and right the wrongs of our past, if we are brave enough to face it.
(Squeak, Squeak)
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Yichus

R. Frand mentions that the sentences describing the forebearers of Israel's redeemers begins vague and anonymous:
'"A man went from the Tribe of Levi" brought about the first redeemer (Moshe) and the pasuk "A man went from Bethlehem Yehudah" led to the final redeemer (Moshiach - who will descend from King David, a descendant of Rus)...One does not necessarily need to be great himself or have superior lineage or wealth or power. Any anonymous Jew can potentially produce the future leader of the Jewish people.'

So here's the rub folks. What's with all these 'frumma' people who are so insistent upon good yichus, lineage, background etc. If the greatest of our people can come from anonymous beginnings, why should we expect better results from yichus? Is good middot genetically passed on? Aren't there many off-the-derech individuals from great yichus? And conversely aren't there truly erlecha individuals of humble origins?

Me thinks that those demanding yichus are really seekers of kavod, desirous of status or the ability to connect and identify with greatness. It's all ego and it's all about, yeech, us.
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Talk to Me...

Have inanimate objects ever talked to you? Come now, admit it, you are amongst friends, you know. Did you ever emphatically deny that you are delusional, trusting that your sensory input was OBVIOUSLY accurate? Well, send in the boys with those special coats that you don't find in any Far Rockaway gemach because THERE BE TALKIN'.

Now don't y'all get goofy on me but as of late, I feel like the books I read speak to me. Of course, I mean that metaphorically or else I can kiss custody of my kids goodbye. Hmmm, don't tempt me. And let's face it, talking books are for the visually impaired anyway or like Trix, they are for kids.

I find this experience akin to what people feel when they come across something in the weekly Bible section and find it directly relevant to their current life situation, as if God put it there just for them (do I smell egocentrism?). The words speak to them, provide insight, perhaps perspective, or maybe just express what they were feeling but couldn't articulate.

I like to glean pearls from all the different authors and books I read. If I go through a book with less than two light-bulbs floating over my head, I'm disappointed. I crave these ephemeral incandescents for they are the bulbs that shine light upon my life. Today I was reading from Skeleton Crew and found Stephen King whispering and sometimes screaming at me. (Is that ambulance sirens in the background?) So here is what caught me with my pants down, which isn't always a bad thing but can be quite revealing:

"I got scared and I let her get away. Was it as simple as that? Dear God help me. I think it was. I'd like to have it a different way, but perhaps it's best not to lie to yourself about such things as cowardice. And Shame...And if those things were true- if [she n me] had somehow belonged...Did you laugh? Did you scream? Did you shoot yourself for a yellow dog?"

Well I don't know about that ole yellow dog but I nearly wet my self because as I write these words I really hear voices. In fact they are singing, "Don't know what you got til it's gone." Yes, Cinderella's song is playing on the radio right now.
Just strike me down now if the next song is Nights in White Satin- "Letters I've written, never meaning to send..."

For all those who appreciated that frightening glimpse inside my head remember: "The exhausted mind is obsession's easiest prey."-SK Lisey's Story.

There is a little pill for OCD...I think I hear it calling my name...
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Default Settings

Default settings. We all have them. Occasionally life allows us to deviate from them. We can ride the high of a new career or the low of a divorce but sooner or later we return to our natural selves. Hence DEFAULT setting. It's not our fault, you know.

Here's a mirror. Go take a good honest look at yourself. Ignore the fact that I'm staring too. You know you look nice so let's get past that. What do you notice about yourself when you have the chance to see yourself as others perceive you? Can you identify who you really are?

There is just a little problem here; one that requires not a leading psychologist but rather a good author to identify. In Michael Crichton's book, Prey, in the midst of all the action, there is a 2 page digression that held a fascinating insight into self-reflection. "There's one problem with all psychological knowledge-nobody can apply it to themselves. People can be incredibly astute about the shortcomings of their friends, spouses, children. But they have no insight into themselves at all...Psychological knowledge doesn't work if you look in a mirror." He then compares this to a computer procedure called recursion which causes the computer program to loop back on itself. Sometimes the computer gets lost in a infinite regress and is stuck there like "those fun-house mirrors that reflect mirrors, and mirrors, even smaller and smaller, stretching away to infinity...something similar must happen when people turn their psychological insight-apparatus on themselves. The brain hangs. The thought process goes and goes, but it doesn't get anywhere. It must be something like that, because we know that people can think about themselves indefinitely. Some people think of little else. Yet people never seem to change as a result of their intense introspection. They never understand themselves better. It's very rare to find genuine self-knowledge."

So at the risk of many more years of bad luck (if you really believe being single is so bad), let's shatter those mirrors and consider the 'crisis' attitude, in general. A prevalent situation within the religious community is the singular mindset and focus on 'getting married.' It seems that some people exist just to get married. They are entirely incomplete without another person. They wake up unhappy because they're alone, they experience their sense of incompleteness regularly. Their default setting is unhappy. They have missed the point of life. Life is to be lived in the moment. There can be so much joy in the moment, even during the arduous journey that will eventually lead toward finding a partner. But to live in the gloom is indicative of an unhappy default setting. What happens when the goal of marriage is achieved? What will the next obsession be? How will this person live in that new here-and-now? Who are they? Do they know themselves? What is their essence, their core? Will they suddenly be bubbly, laugh a lot, project happiness? I fear not. They will eventually come down off the high of wedding bells and return to default unhappiness. Maybe the new unhappiness will focus on disappointment in their partner, maybe on the troubles of life, who know? But the default setting is where they will be.

People have to solve their own problems and discover who they are before they attempt merging with another life-form. Then they can bring a happy complement to the table when approaching a prospective mate. Someone who expects others to solve their problems will ultimately be disappointed and perhaps even unfairly blame the spouse for not helping them achieve that goal.

Again, the problem is the incorrect assumption that marriage is the GOAL. Marriage is only a means to develop and grow spiritually and physically with your soul-mate. It is but an indication of commitment to make this journey together. It is a natural outgrowth of a healthy bond that develops when two people find love in each other. But when marriage is THE GOAL, people lose sight of what marriage is all about and meant to be. Marriage should lead to a journey of sharing & growth. Instead of getting all depressed about not being married (which is a turn off by the way), be determined to keep seeking out your soul-mate. It's a process that can be frustrating but we have the capacity to choose our ATTITUDE towards life even if we can't change what life sends our way. During this journey we need to learn how to relate, how to listen, how to consider others needs without hurting our own. Couples should have Mutual interests, common goals, similar religious level, the commitment to work hard, and most importantly mutual respect. Without respect disaster looms. It's OK to disagree, argue your point of view but it's not OK to yell, act passive aggressively (and certainly not aggressively). You should never give up who you are while still being accepting of the other. You need to be a team, with each person giving the best part of themselves.

So get out there, have fun dating, pursue Your Wildest Dreams and fulfill your spirit. And, for God's sake, lighten up and be happy!
Drop the Moody Blues so that I'll only find happiness 'mirrored in your eyes.'
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Round The Cauldron

As a guy, I shouldn't be expected to know that challahs have nothing to do with cauldrons but I believe the connection here is more on the side of witchcraft and superstition.

"Looking for a group of 43 challah bakers to bake Erev Shabbos... in the zechus of a refuah shelama for..."

This is a common email I receive on the 5-Towns shul postings. I never quite understood the concept of baking challah or making a blessing that would somehow propitiate God to provide a speedy recovery. What is the connection? Why challah and not another act that has a bracha attached to it? How did they come up with 43? Wasn't it 40 last week? Are there controlled experiments to see which number of challah brachas are successful? Perhaps there should be a severity chart that correlates number of challahs to intensity of condition. What if the challahs fail to rise to the occasion? Is that essential? Should we bake a red string inside just in case?

Boyer, in Religion Explained, noted that most religious ritual is NOT logical. You swing the chicken 7x over your head and your grass will grow. No logical connection. The reason is that things that are unusual or unexpected tend to be better remembered and better transmitted. Hence the success of religions in embedding these memes in our mind and passing on many odd traditions.

So why do smart people continue believing these seemingly illogical things?
One reason that people associate a given segula with a particular act or time period is because someone once noticed a particular outcome actually occurred (coincidentally). Unfortunately, they have fallen in the trap of what is known as Confirmation Bias: Once you consider a hypothesis, you detect and recall confirming instances better than non-confirming. All the other times that these segulas failed are not registered with nearly the same intensity. Someone once got better after a bake-a-thon and a segula was born/baked.

I see this phenomenon at work. I noticed, as have all my coworkers, that anytime I am free but go to the fridge, try to prepare or eat food, a client comes in. I can be free for 6 hours until I touch food. This has happened so consistently that a legend has emerged from this. Yet, when I consciously try hard to imagine all the times I touch food, there are indeed times when no client magically appears. But the confirmation bias is so strong that it feels like fact.

I think people err as to the purpose of segulas (incl learning, praying, shmirat halashon, charity). These actions do not cause a direct result. God is not under our power nor is he obligated to respond in a defined, mechanical manner to our actions. Instead the purpose is to remind us that everything comes from God (incl. blessings, failures, successes, protection, marriage, children, health etc etc). These actions invoke in us a potential; a potential to recognize God in everything as well as act as a stimulus towards tikon of the individual and eventually tikun olam.

It is, of course, our hope that God deems us worthy of blessing but that is up to Him.

NJG coined a few great terms. He, at first, called this "vending machine" Judaism where you press a button (do action A) and get your candy (receive what you want from God). Then he called it "slot-machine" Judaism because you can put the lever but often you don't get what you would like. Instead, he pointed out that "the 'segulah' is for the person to stop and contemplate. Like all prayer, which God doesn't "need", the purpose is to narrow your focus, and work on YOURSELF." There is great power in prayer. In The Brother’s Karamazov, Dostoyevsky writes ‘Every time you pray…there will be new feeling and new meaning in it… and you will understand that prayer is an education.’

I do believe that the human mind needs the reassurance that it is not insignificant and powerless in an uncertain world. "[E]mbracing rationality while denying the existence of any mystery to life and its meaning-that is no less a form of madness than eager devotion to unreason." -Odd Thomas in Forever Odd by Dean Koontz. The power of the segulas can also lie within its ability to mollify the frightened spirit, lest it sink into depression and despair. People need to believe. Sometimes having faith (even misguided) allows the person to accept the challenges of life with greater resolve and handle the pain in an equally efficacious manner.

The danger is that, on the flip side, believing in a power that fails you, may lead you to abandon everything. Damned if you do, damned if you don't but at least you get to eat fresh challah.
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Hyperactive Dating Disorder

HDD. Hyperactive Dating Disorder. Look it up. You'll find it in the textbook of life. (Now read that again as Rod Serling would).

NJG and I were discussing the singles event that we recently attended. He made an interesting observation about a severe disadvantage to the method of dating that is prevalent in the religious community. It's a numbers game and people feel their number must come up ASAP. There is the pressure of time, or biological clock, community and family pressure, as well as frustration that things take so long. To expedite the process and take in a representative sampling, they become serial daters. Many date in parallel as well as in sequence. How they can keep track of multiple partners is beyond me although the idea of multiples is intriguing...

The OCD behavior reinforces itself and an HDD develops. Often by the third date, a decision is made to continue seriously or move on. And so for the most part, it's on to the next victim. An HDD individual experiences only one brief snapshot of a person before bolting to the next snapfish in the sea. There isn't the lengthy time necessary to really explore a prospective's personality, watch how a relationship develops and evolves, or experience the ups and downs of their respective life experiences. Most importantly, Mr. (or Mrs.) HDD has lost the opportunity to look back on this would be, complex interaction and view it as a learning process. He could have then taken the sum of all the knowledge gleaned regarding those intricate facets of life and intergender (species?) relationships and apply those pearls of wisdom to the next relationship and so forth. Thus after successive relationships, emotional maturity, better insight into his own needs as well as his partners, he could have developed a greater sense of how to better succeed in the next set of circumstances. But the HDD sufferer does not allow for such in-depth growth. Instead, his illness restricts and forces him to remain singularly focused on his own reality and himself rather than getting close to another human being.

HDD. An experience of a frenzied mind searching from body to body, making only a brief stop here in the ...... Dating Zone!
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Shidduch Crisis

I was reading an interesting post here. According to the North American Shidduch Initiative, 'the Shidduch Crisis is caused by the large age gap between husbands and wives...So if the logic that there's an even number of guys and girls of each age holds water, then, yes, bridging the age gap would pair up more couples close in age, thereby having more people available to others.'

My comment was that I think this concept is WAY OFF. Age is not the issue. I know that I have been able to relate to woman of variable ages. It's the personality that matters. Sometimes, a woman my age but with dissimilar life experiences, can not relate to me but to someone a decade her senior.

The shidduch crisis is primarily a result of the lack of understanding between genders. It is fostered by segregation of the sexes such that the social skills necessary to relate and understand of the thought processes of the other are stunted.

It also stems from the unrealistic expectation that society and individuals place upon themselves and their mate whether it be financial success, body type, style of dress or level of religious observance.

You must look for the inner fine character and be wary of the external trappings. He may treat you nicely on a date but look how he treats the parking attendant or the waiter. Observation is key to finding out what you need to know. So is good communication. Without it you will never truly be able to relate to you partner.

People need to learn how to relate, how to listen, how to consider others needs without hurting their own. Couples should have Mutual interests, common goals, similar religious level, the commitment to work hard, and most importantly mutual respect. Without respect disaster looms. It's ok to disagree, argue your point of view but it's not ok to yell, act passive aggressively (and certainly not aggressively). You should never give up who you are but rather be accepted and be accepting of the other. You need to be a team and not selfish or childish. If college could require courses in gender understanding and relationships (and tax preparation, how to change your oil, simple home repairs), people would have a better shot at finding true happiness and managing a functional home life.

The problem, even with the concept of "shidduch crisis," is the incorrect assumption that marriage is the GOAL. Marriage is only a means to develop and grow spiritually and physically with your soul-mate. It is but an indication of commitment to make this journey together. But when marriage is THE GOAL, people lose sight of what marriage is all about and meant to be. Marriage should be a journey of sharing & growth. Instead of getting all depressed (which is a turn off by the way) about not being married, be determined to keep seeking out your complement. Good luck to us all.

In the background, I hear the famous soccer announcer yelling, GOOOOOALLLL!
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The Great Cover-Up

Look out Cover Girl!

Tzniut, it's not what's on the outside that counts. I read a book given to me by Tali, specifically in reaction to the ERVA comment I made on our first date. The book is called Outside Inside: A Fresh Look at Tzniut by Gila Manolson. From her book, I gather that tzniut is a state of mind more than just a dress code, more for women but still applicable to men. She believes that it is of the utmost importance for us to find out who we are on the inside and then decide how to present that to the world and whether to reveal parts of ourselves or not.

Our essence is not what we do, what we accomplished, how much money we make, what we possess, nor what good causes we work for. That is not denying that those things have value and add meaning to life. They, however, do not define the soul. When those things are taken from us, there is still some core essence left. We need to focus on HOW we do things in life not just what it is we are doing. "The true measure of your worth is how GOOD you are. But you don't highlight how good you are by outwardly expressing it to all." People will think you're just doing it to show off. "Putting spirituality on display causes you to lose it."

"Judaism understands that God created the physical world as a vehicle for spirituality. Good food, wine, a beautiful home, art, music, the outdoors- all can bring us closer to God. So can our bodies. But there is a fine line beween attractive and attractING. Judaism encourages us to look good but to downplay the body so as to reveal the soul. The farther removed we are from animal level, the more we wear." A baby can go naked and we aren't phased. The same isn't true of streakers or so I've been told ;) . Covering up is to show I am more than just my body. I'm not an animal, my message is deeper.

Your dress affects how you see yourself as well as how others see you and your self image is constantly being reformed by interaction with others. Should a person choose to be a slave to the reaction of others and find validation by the approving stares of others or should a person discover their own value within themselves and then present to the world that favorable glimpse into their soul? You make the call.

Hopefully, the first thing you are going to look at is a persons face/head. At least that's what women keep reminding me. There are public actions that communicate to society a change in status. We have elaborate bar mitzvah's to inform the community that the boy is now a man; we have weddings to inform society that these two are now unavailable to others as mates and that they are now an economic unit called family. "Cross-culturally we show status by calling attention to our heads." We wear a cap at graduation, chiefs wear tribal headdresses. So when a women covers her hair, she is signifying change in status. Gila claims that women cover their hair because a profound and irreversible change occurs upon marriage. "Direct knowledge of intimacy imbues her with a greater understanding of her power and her womanhood." Hair is sensual. Now she understands that sensuality and reserves it for her spouse." Similarly, the seductive voice of a woman singing is quite powerful. (I think women know all this even as teenagers or even earlier).

While there are issues applicable to men, there certainly is a stronger emphasis on tzniut for women. Some of it involves the fact that provacative dressing affects men who have knee-jerk reaction to ogle (contrast this post with an older one). The reality is that reflex actions and evolutionary attractions can't be eliminated but presenting those temptations is not conducive to spirituality for the one subject to it nor to the one generating it. Consider also how it makes other women feel. Do they feel bad when they have to compare themselves? Perhaps it will negatively impact on their own self-image. Let's face it women are powerful.


Your choice of dress affects how you see yourself as well as how others see you. What is your character and how do you wish to convey it? Self-relevation is only meaningful when you have kept enough of yourself private.


In the end, your tradition will dictate the way these ideas are expressed and you must find your own comfort zone in its expression but realize that the first cause is self-transformation. To fix the world, you have to fix yourself first.

Now I reckon I'm gonna get me'self fixed!

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Cataclysmic Discovery

I really was surprised by the letter I found in my son's backpack. He is in first grade and by all the teachers accounts, he is the bottom of the class but he shows diligence. I was expecting another scathing commentary on my lack of parenting skills that contribute to his delinquency. Well, this letter was not from the teacher but something he wrote on his own, for himself. It struck me how much my own actions can have a profound affect on others. I'm not even going to mention the recent fiasco that you have been so avidly following. Instead, I refer you back to this post. I made a decision I felt was in our families ultimate physical best interest but without realizing its long-term detrimental mental impact. Unfortunately, there are choices to be made that hurts, where either choice has its undesirable consequences. I can only use all the information I have to make the decision I feel is best for me and my kids. I originally decided not to type out what he wrote because I scanned it in, covering his name but in case your linguistic interpretive skills are infantile, here is what it says: I love my cat and I miss my cat and I wish my cat came back and my cat is so cute. Love....

Season of Misgivings

Tis the season not only to be freezin' but experience emotional turmoil. There are some lucky people out there who spend time with their loved ones, exchanging gifts and cherishing their time together. Many other people have come to dread the holidays because it brings an acute awareness of their loneliness or they become depressed. For me, aside from all the previous posts about Tali and how much I miss her, there is something else that really attacks my psyche. While others suffer Seasonal Affective Disorder and the like, I suffer aWrapnophobia. Not a fear of spiders nor or ghetto music, no, it is the fear of having to wrap all the gifts for Chanukah's and Christmas. I'm having misgivings about all these givings.

I used to work at Macy's and there I learned the fine art of wrapping while hanging out at the gift wrapping department. The reason for those sojourns are for another time. I watched intently at their techniques and thought I mastered it. But now so many gifts come in odd shaped boxes especially those things like discmans that come in this hard plastic body wrap. Not only is it shape not conducive to fine wrapping, it posses, at least to me, a mortal danger when attempting to cut it open. I almost gave in one night to respond to an infomercial about a special cutting blade specifically designed just for such packaging. But in the end, I decided to live dangerously and just take my chances.

So, although I thought I was the Tupac of wRapping, I concede defeat. I'm not as anal as I used to be and just don't have the patience anymore. In ten seconds all the effort will be torn away, crumpled up and used to line the litter box. I give up, just be happy I found time to get you a gift.

I'm No Cardiologist

Read this post first.

There is no way to sugar coat it. No manner to make it more palatable, more acceptable. I broke our engagement and Tali's heart. It will never feel right even if I justify logically the need to separate. Since it is so fresh, so raw, I expect her friends to defend her vehemently and pour forth their righteous indignation. And they have. I deserve it; I accept their rebuke.

So how does one delicately tell the person he loves and wishes to spend every waking moment with, that there is no way to make it work. Compound it with a commitment of engagement with a ring and watch exchanged. Her friends deplore the fact that I just, out of the blue, amputated her from my life. Is there an easier way? Should we have had long tearful, gut wrenching discussions for weeks on end, only for me to come to the same realization, that I can't make this merger work. I know she tried her best and was succeeding (as far as I know). I gave it my all and I failed. The past many months have had the specifics addressed and all the techniques that we could think of were put out forth. There was only one major discussion on the matter a few months ago and more specific minor discussions as to how to handle the problem as each incident arouse.

I guess she and her friends are mortified by the fact that she was unaware of my feelings. I should never have proposed if I had made peace with the issue. (I thought I had). The reality is that I was trying to make those feelings disappear and if they vanished from my mind, everything would be OK. But once I started realizing that it can't be ignored, it was already too late and the merger untenable.

I even seriously considered marrying her and living in separate homes but she wouldn't hear of it. Yeah and it is kinda weird. I saw a psychologist to give me insights into child behavior. I read books about transforming the difficult child and family dynamics. I tried having the kids interact often and in the end I just felt like I was losing my mind from them as is clear from the previous post.

So, again I ask you how do you end it? I told her simply the facts, that I tried, I thought I could do it but I can't. I love her dearly but it's not going to work. Was I supposed to put my arms around her while I dropped the bomb? Was I supposed to start acting distant, then pick or look for fights, then escalate over time so that when it finally comes she would say, "Good riddance he's an ass for the way he treats me."?

Believe me if I felt there was any more answers to make this work, I would jump on it in a second. But there isn't. She told me in August, "If it's right, you make it work." She told me to speak to the psychologist, to read the books. Living separately was not an option nor was waiting many years to see if the kids grow out of their behavioral issues. I thought I was OK but I wasn't. I thought the kids were getting more manageable but they weren't. Love blinded me and I wanted to be blind just to have Tali. But my insides were torn apart by my inability to find resolution. From all our discussions over the past few months, there was nothing new to add, only perhaps guilt that plans were made, that we were going to town hall in a week to let the government once again interfere with our lives. There was very little time left and I know ultimately my decision was right for me and my family, horrible for Tali, and maybe not so bad for her children.

So, I am curious to hear how you would have ended it; what marvelous techniques I failed to employ? It had to be done and there was no way to make it hurt less. I AM SORRY for all of us but most of all, for Tali.

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Experiencing Sinai

Rabbi Wolfe from Isralight was an amazing addition to the Saw You At Sinai back to camp Labor Day weekend. Aside from good humor, good nature and personable character, he had a seemingly endless supply of magical metaphors (and similes). It appeared to me that he was able to grap the essence of experience of the Divine. Simple ideas made connection to God and even practice of religion not only palatable but desirable.

For example, he described sheet-music. When you look at it, what you see is cold, very mathematical, complicated, calculated, and unfeeling. But when you play it, the music comes alive, your body moves in tandem to the beat, your spirit soars. So too with Halachah. He didn't claim that it was the only mechanism but it is the mechanism which we have successfully used over thousands of years to experience God. Halachah is very technical and cold but when you live it, it is transformed and it transforms you. It directs you on a mission to be a light unto the nation and achieve tikkun olam.

He also described halachah as a window. We spend time cleaning our window, people compete to say my window is better and shinier than others but they fail to realize that the window is just the means to go beyond. The purpose is to see the view and that view is God. People get lost in their window never using it to its proper end.

It was a spiritually satisfying and physically rewarding weekend. I have to rate Sinai as THEEE best shabbaton I have ever been on. They (all 3 back to camp weekends) have never failed me. One caveat. This weekend was a liberal/conservadox weekend. It wasn't the uptight machmir Nachamu. I hear that nachamu was stiff and awkward, less feeling. They didn't want to sing havdalah (so I heard). We had such an emotional havdalah with guitar and singing and dancing. Poor Nachamu machmirites lost in their own rigid window never allowing themselves to glimpse the essence and experience of God. How sad for them.

Just remember life is full of sheet-music.
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Saw You At Sinai 2008

Fantastic Saw You At Sinai back to camp weekend. More on that later.

I was stuck by a heated debate regarding when to divulge information that can influence/hurt a shidduch. Some of my divorced friends at the table were quite emphatic about the importance of providing strategic information (not just spreading rumors). A marriage is one of the most major decisions in life and as with all weighty prospects all variables should be properly considered. It is then up to the parties involved to pursue the information, clarify and decide for themselves if the 'damning' information is indeed so or if it can be accepted. We all have faults, after all. What may be unacceptable to you may be manageable for me.

What struck me was that the majority of the others including the rabbi felt quite strongly that unless it is physical abuse (AS IF mental abuse doesn't matter), for the sake of the shidduch, one should refrain from revealing information. You can't imagine how dumbstruck I was by this reaction. How myopic!

I later reflected on their motivation. Of course, they felt that they didn't want to hurt anyone and they didn't want to be the one that interfered in a shidduch and thus take the blame for relegating a friend to more years of loneliness. Noble enough. HOWEVER, they fail to consider the flip side. Shouldn't a person know the truth and then make a conscientious decision? What if you could have saved them from many tortuous years living with the unbearable or spending years and countless fortunes in civil court or be bullied by religious court? Two people who can't accept all (ok, most) aspects of their spouse are going to have a hard, if not miserable marriage. What kind of environment will their children grow up in when there is so much tension or unresolved issues? I can tell you first hand that emotional distress from a difficult relationship is excruciatingly painful, perhaps as much as physical abuse.

Hellllooooo, you're getting married, you are supposed to be an adult, you should be able to make rational decisions! You are not a foolish child (perhaps you are) that your friend's have to protect you. GROW UP, ALL OF YOU!

The real underlying issue can be lack of perspective, especially on the part of the overprotective friend. They see marriage as THE GOAL and they could possibly interfere with you crossing the finish line. But marriage is not the goal, it is only the means whereby two people could actualize their potential, could find happiness and satisfaction. But there you go and feel you are doing them a favor when in reality you could have prevented the wrong people, two people who wouldn't be good for each other, from getting together. Marriage, for them, is a recipe for disaster. At least clue them in and let them take responsibility for their choices.

People can modify some behavior with a lot of work but personalities don't change much (barring good drugs). Book of Proverbs 22:6, says 'Train up a child in the way he should go, even when he is old he will not depart from it.' But the point is to teach him according to his ways/personality because even in his old age his personality won't deviate. The education must reflect the needs of each individual personality so that it can be accepted and incorporated. This person with the character flaw ain't gonna change just because he met a nice spouse.

So, be smart, consider the facts, make a conscientious decision. Your decision has far reaching consequences. In the end, the ultimate decision should be yours.

So, let the buyher beware (and get out of the lending library).

Astronaut's Perspective

As with any divorce, I have my share of financial problems. Some are my own fault, some are the ex's and some are just the nature of the beast and what life throws my way. I try not to let it eat at me as much as it used to. There was a point when things were so bad that I literally felt like crying and had even sought the counsel of a bankruptcy lawyer. Thank God the tide had changed and is moving in the right direction albeit at a petty pace. One needs only to look at the fortune of others to gain perspective on their own fortune. We meet people with failing health, loss of loved ones, overall those less fortunate than ourselves. We meet people who do everything right and are handed sickening verdicts from deranged judges and scheming lawyers.

I recall a very powerful drasha that has lasted with me since high school. The main thrust was that a person should ask themselves why they witnessed or heard about a given event (tragedy or otherwise). What is lacking in me that I witnessed an accident on the side of the road? Am I a reckless driver and need to slow down or perhaps that would be an inspiration to join Hatzolah? Another person's judicial nightmare makes me want to be easier on my ex and avoid court as much as possible.

A good friend of mine purchased a business a few years ago and recently I found out that it was not only failing but he max-ed out his credit cards and couldn't even make this months rent. Tears were welling up in his eyes as he talked to me especially when he described how his wife broke down in tears when she found out their savings were lost. All the money they could have used for their kids college fund or for family vacations gone up in smoke. What doesn't kill you makes you stronger he quoted, 'but this will kill me,' he concluded. He couldn't look me in the eye when he described how the loss of the business made him feel like a failure, a failure as a man, the breadwinner, the one responsible for the security of his family. If I had anything of my own to give, I would have. I briefly considered letting him use my credit card but I'm already 10's of thousands on credit. I just listened instead and watched him leave, a broken man.

I recently watched Astronaut Farmer about a man determined to go into space against all odds. He stood up to the government, ridicule, and risked his families farm and all their savings for his dream. I half wanted it to be a realistic ending and a depressing failure. Well life ain't like the movies folks. Sometimes 'You got to know when to hold 'em, know when to fold 'em, know when to walk away and know when to run.'-(Kenny Rogers) But when a person has a vested interest, walking away with a moderate loss is painful to the point where he convinces himself that he can turn it even at the risk of devastating loss. But more than that, the emotional investment has been substantial, he hadn't had a good night sleep in months. He needs to be set free and with time, forgive himself for life beyond his control. He has an amazing talented, musical family, the kind of family you see in shows from the 50's and 60's. I hope he can climb out of his hole and rebuild his blessed life.

And now I thank God for all he has given me. My perspective while viewing on-high is that my situation is far better than many others and certainly not worth bitching about.

Damn it.

Righteous Indignation

When the flames of passion are ignited for a cause not your own, you can be assured that evolution is on your side. 'In-group' thinking has many components that together allow for a cohesive and functional group. Someone considering actions or thoughts not in line with consensus is subjected to mocking or economic or physical punishment to enforce compliance. The compliance is two-fold, that of the individual in question and that of the remainder of the group who sees what happened to the first person and derives the appropriate lesson. But evolution added a critical feature: righteous indignation. By firing up an adverse reaction to non-compliance or 'illegal' activity, members of the group are driven to react in a manner that will attempt to enforce societies rules whether physically, or by reporting the offense, or by jeering the person with feelings of contempt. And so society can have its checks and balances and the social order preserved. Those individually who had a propensity to function within those effective means of social order were more likely to survive (with all the benefits afforded by group living) and pass their genes on.

So I spoke with a Righteous Indignator last night who 'lost respect' for me because of how I treated my best friend by going out with his ex-girlfriend shortly after their break up. Her role here: None. Yet she felt it was her place to not only feel passionately offended but moved to the point of expressing those denigrating thoughts to me concerning what she considered inappropriate behavior for friends or a group. I listened to her piece, told her she has a right to her opinion, that my life is not meant to be judged by the court of public opinion. She couldn't process any of my explanations for mitigating circumstances so I abruptly said that I just don't really care what others think or that she lost respect, it's not her business.

Modern society allows much more fluidity such that the consequences for defecting from the group-think is much lower. If I don't like this group or community, I can withdraw or leave or even find different friends. And while there is a lot of value I recognize and obtain by being in the group, I have an independent streak that will not be silenced.

But what ever you do, don't repeat anything I just wrote! In the immortal words of Ahmed the dead terrrorist: Silence! I kill you!

Face Lift

Come Running sent me a Daily Lift because it too follows in the theme of my mirroring posts.

Daily Lift #233
King Solomon’s Wise Formula

In the book of Proverbs (27:19), we find an amazing formula for peace. “As in water, face is to face, so too is the heart of one person to another.”

When you look at your reflection in a pond or in a mirror, you will see the exact same expression that is on your face. If you frown and scowl, you will see a frown and scowl staring right back at you. And if you smile and wave, you will see a smile and a wave. This is a natural law of physics. To frown and expect to see a smile on the image of your face in a mirror isn't a wise expectation.

King Solomon teaches us that this natural law has a counterpoint in the laws of human nature. The inner feelings you experience towards someone will be reflected back to you from the heart of that person.

See the good in other people. See them as being souls who have high aspirations even if at present they are not yet using all of their potential. See people as they will be when they are at their best. Judge people favorably. See the positive intentions of what they say and do even when it would be preferable if they chose better ways to accomplish those positive intentions.

The way to influence people to feel better towards you is to radiate unconditional love and respect towards them. When someone likes and respects you first, it's easier to reciprocate those feelings. It is a step towards greatness to be the one to create unconditional love and respect when you need to sustain this in the face of challenges. Be willing to take this step.

(from Rabbi Zelig Pliskin’s book, Harmony with Others, pp.32-3, artscroll.com)


This snippet can apply to understanding human-God relations as well. There is a famous pasuk where God says "If you leave me a day, I will leave you for two days (Im ta'azvaini yom, yo'mayim eh'ezveka)." Now that sounds rather harsh and spiteful. God is saying, "If you withdraw from me a day, HAH, I can do worse, I'll withdraw from you two-fold." I believe I heard this from R. Frand that this is an incorrect rendering of the deeper meaning behind the saying. God mirrors human behavior towards Him. If you come closer, he meets you halfway. If you withdraw in one direction, he too withdraws but in an equal and opposite, directly proportional direction.

See diagram for your basic geometry of our relationship with God. Center '0' is the point of ultimate oneness with God (obviously a theoretical point). You end up twice as far from God when you travel one unit (as he moves the same amount in the opposite direction). Your actions and attitudes directly impact on your relationship with the Divine as well as others in you life.

This reminded me of Rebbetzin Jungreis' lecture at SYAS Back to Camp Moshava weekend in 2005. She described all the sadness and heartbreak people have shared with her about their dating situation. The one thing she stressed to all of them was that they have every right to experience their own pain but what right do you have to make others experience it as well? She elaborated that you should always smile at people. If you are depressed by your situation and show it in your face, that affects MY mood. What have I done to deserve that negative aura? Obviously, it isn't easy to always show the world a happy face but it's certainly worth the effort. It may even start to affect your own mood in a positive manner.

Cue Mr. Rourke on Fantasy Island, "Smiles everybody, smiles."

Odd Dog Out

I read my first Dean Koontz book after a few disparate sources espoused his works. Well worth it and I look forward to more. What I like to do when reading fiction is glean words of wisdom or insights into human nature presented parenthetically. Tidbits of reality mixed with an engaging, albeit fictional, story makes for a more poignant message. (I have been saying this about the Bible but that is not the direction I'll be taking this). I first noticed my real appreciation for this method of reading when I began reading Michael Crichton even though sometimes the line between fact and fiction sometimes became blurred. In Crichton's book Prey (not my favorite), in the midst of all the action, there was a 2 page digression that held a fascinating insight into self-reflection. I guess I'm reminded of this because it follows somewhat along the lines of my last post.

"There's one problem with all psychological knowledge-nobody can apply it to themselves. People can be incredibly astute about the shortcomings of their friends, spouses, children. But they have no insight into themselves at all...Psychological knowledge doesn't work if you look in a mirror." He then compares this to a computer procedure called recursion which causes the computer program to loop back on itself. Sometimes the computer gets lost in a infinite regress and is stuck there like "those fun-house mirrors that reflect mirrors, and mirrors, even smaller and smaller, stretching away to infinity...something similar must happen when people turn their psychological insight-apparatus on themselves. The brain hangs. The thought process goes and goes, but it doesn't get anywhere. It must be something like that, because we know that people can think about themselves indefinitely. Some people think of little else. Yet people never seem to change as a result of their intense introspection. They never understand themselves better. It's very rare to find genuine self-knowledge." Nice.

In Brother Odd by Dean Koontz, Odd Thomas, as he is named, reflects on the nature of dogs. "All that is wanted is affection, while all that is offered is everything, symbolized in the defenseless posture of the exposed tummy.
Dogs invite us not only to share in their joy but also to live in the moment,...where the enchantment of the past and future cannot distract us, where a freedom from practical desire and a cessation of our ceaseless action allows us to recognize the truth of our existence, the reality of our world and purpose-if we dare."

It's funny where the circuits of the mind can take us sometimes. When I read this, I was taken back to some previous relationships I had been in. There were a few women, including my now ex, that I felt that I would do anything for them and all I asked in return was to be loved in return. I do not mean to imply that I consider myself or men in general to be dogs but far be it from me to restrict the path which your mind wanders. To these women, I exposed myself (cancel that image, please), I opened my soul, bore out my deepest secrets and desires. I thought women wanted a man to be open about his feelings and be able to share them. Well, that crock of crap I was fed growing up (by TV, other women, magazines, etc) was entirely baseless. Women want their man to be strong and once they see their man as having weakness and vulnerability it becomes an exploitable commodity. They need to respect their man so he needs to maintain his image and aura. As a friend, such levels of openness are OK but not safe for a monogamous relationship. One of the main things I have noticed among the married couples I have had lunch with on many Shabbatot is the lack of respect the wives afford their husbands (yes, it does go both ways but you can write your side on your own blog). There is something about these men that disappointed their wives and that disappointment manifests as subtle and sometimes not so subtle public degradation. "I don't get no respect". Rodney Dangerfield wouldn't be funny if it didn't ring true.

I watched an episode of BBC's Coupling where Sally wouldn't introduce her new boyfriend to her gal pals until "he's finished." A woman has all sorts of visions how she can mold her man only to be disillusioned later because he remains who he is. And what right does anyone have to change another person? If you love someone, love them for who they really are, flaws and all. But don't pay lip-service to the concept and throw it all out the window once the ring is on.

Women feel the need to be empowered, they want to be independent and make their own choices (and they should have every right to pursue success) but in the end they want a guy who will stand up and make the decision like about where to go out. They don't want to hear, "So where would you like to go for dinner?" Rather it should be "I'm thinking about 2 places A & B, do you have a preference?" Thus they feel empowered, part of the decision making but the man has laid out the options available. I was out with a bunch of female friends one night and we went to a party. We suspected it would be lame but I took my cue from the women, 'maybe we should try it, it can't be bad.' So we went in and it was a disaster. Later they told me not to be a buffoon and that they had hoped I would just stand up and say this would be lame, let's not even waste our time. Am I a mind reader? Apparently, I need to be to hang out with them. But what they were really saying was that they want the guy to take charge, protect them, make sure things work out. I can't tell you how many women have told me they are so turned on by a guy who takes charge. So while I believe in equal rights, I do believe that many women are deluding themselves into thinking that they don't have the same instinctual demands on their mates that they have had for thousands of years. As much as they say they want a sensitive man, the reality is they want a strong, take charge man. Women can go to their ladies groups for all the emoting they need. The male's role is different and he should not cross to the other side. They want an alpha male but in the end they settle for you and never let you forget it.

If you want a good laugh on the matter see Chris Rock on relationships on you tube.

Mirroring

I recently was introduced to the concept of MIRRORING as it relates to how individuals act in relations to people they meet. One particular element that struck me was that what makes some people more successful at their relationships and interactions is that they mirror their counterpart. To elaborate further, if I know you like canasta games and shuffleboard and found out that you even go to senior homes to seek out tournaments in those areas, I would unconsciously find myself interested in those areas, talk about it, offer to go play, and perhaps express a desire to improve my own skills. By doing this, you recognizes in me things that are not only familiar to you but also become excited that things that are meaningful to you are also meaningful to me. That makes me more attractive to you than someone who says, "Who the hell plays that shit?"

If I purposely sought out such information and used it with intent to deceive or lure, that would be unconscionable. But there are people that do this naturally and unwittingly. They really assume the qualities of the people they are with, with the side effect of rendering themselves more likable. I have met people like that and they are truly a sight to behold because, "gosh darn it, people like them."

I suspect that we all have some element of this in our personality unless we have Asperger's or Autism. It made me realize that I, too, fluctuate and vacillate between the various levels of my persona. Sometimes I find myself more religious amongst the more frum or suddenly appreciate art more so than I do normally whilst hanging with an art major. In honest reflection, I don't feel that I am out to deceive anyone or myself but that there are levels of appreciation I can achieve and differing aspects of my persona that I can bring to the forefront and still be me. In the past, I actually suppressed important aspects of my personality or desires to please the person I was with. I have since recognized that I still have to be me and true to myself but still have flexibility to broaden my world.

Though, I think I need to reflect on this a bit more.

Singles Comingle

A single guy moved into our neighborhood and put into action a plan that had been spoken of for years but never realized. Why not have all the singles get together on Shabbat afternoon and develop a strong support system? Brilliant, but who was going to organize it? No one, that is, until he came along. There have been a few gatherings so far but I have been so busy with my kids that I felt I couldn’t get away. In reality, I had no excuse because the invitation clearly stated children are welcome so as to encourage full participation. So, when my niece popped over in the afternoon, I politely begged her to watch the kids for an hour while I indulge myself in the guilty pleasure of adult socialization. I decided not to bring the children because I would end up being the babysitter and never get a chance to really connect with anyone. Everyone must have had the same idea or have had enough of their children because no one brought them!

As an aside, one of my buddies was there. His current girlfriend was horrified to hear that he would be attending a singles event. He explained that this was more of a support system than a meet-market. I happened to share his take on the reason for this group and figured that we could all share some stories from the trenches and maybe someone knows someone who know someone…But truth be told, in the back of my mind I was hoping to meet a someone special. Perhaps we all did. So I guess my buddy’s girlfriend has reason to feel insecure.

I found the crowd very pleasant and engaging and I do look forward to more gatherings.

I am currently reading a section of Mom’s House, Dad’s House by Isolina Ricci that has offered me some perspective on this new group and how to view the people there. Dr. Ricci points out that a mistake newly divorced people have when meeting others of the opposite sex is that they immediately evaluate them based on all the qualities that they would require in a mate. There obviously is a proper time for those analyses but it is important to expand your circle of friends and support systems. The qualities that can make a good friend are not as stringent as those for Mr. Right or Ms. Wonderful. Social relations need not be predicated solely upon the search for a new mate. There are things we need to do to increase our ‘personal income’; things that satisfy our emotional needs so that we can in turn be better givers to our children and others. I have neglected this area for too long; played the martyr and have succeeded only in draining myself as well as my patience. I need to expand my circle or support and have some downtime to recharge my batteries.

Hey maybe this new group could offer a new perspective on life. And seeing a nice smile once in a while can go along way to brighten my spirits.

What's In A Picture?

Apparently not all the answers.

(Photo by Mary Cassatt,1891)

In my last post, I considered if it was possible for women of 100+ years ago to have viewed their infants differently and bond less with them due to the high prevalence of infant mortality. A comment by BHB intrigued me. He mentioned that someone had told him that medieval art had indeed shown a more distant depiction of mother and child so I researched further.

I am lucky to be close friends with a college art professor I’ll call Bob. He explained that most art up until the mid 1800’s was very much a reflection of the cultural values at the time. Art was very stylized, each period reflecting a style characteristic of that period with distinct approaches to anatomy, composition, lighting, form, etc. It reflected those aspects of the culture and how the culture saw itself. It was not necessarily an accurate portrayal of how people interacted with each other. This was true of medieval art as well. For a more detailed analysis of Medieval art and its ‘distant’ depiction of mother and child see here.

If we examine Isis holding her baby, Horus, it appears she is very distant while in reality the style of that time was to depict the deity or ruler in a very exact and perfect form while peasants exhibited more down to earth characteristics. The peasant might have a potbelly or more expression in his face.

An area where Mary is depicted more distant from Jesus was during the period of Mannerism. Mannerism, during the years 1525-1600, was a rebellion against the perfection of the high Renaissance. Yet the art of the Renaissance had very endearing depictions of mother and child (especially Mary with Jesus).

By the 1850, with the appearance of the Realists, there was a true break from style and all bets were off. A full range of expression emerged not constrained by the stylization of the current culture.

To use art to answer how mothers interacted, bonded, or viewed their babies or children, thus would not be useful and I still stand by my previous convictions in the last post. I do intend to speak to a psychology professor to see what his take is on the matter. So stay tuned.