Conflict of Interest

Friends we make during our year abroad, post high school, seem to be the ones we can never get rid of, er, I mean, are the ones we remain so close with that even after long hiatuses we just pick up where we left off. I was lucky enough to go to a small yeshiva in Israel with a lot of personal attention and a fine group of guys. If I had to do it all over again, the one thing I would change is I would make the yeshiva co-ed.

This brings me to my friend Jonathan. He was so homesick, that regularly after night seder a group of us would sit with him, cheer him up, and ultimately convince him to stay in Israel just a little longer. He was very shy and had never spoken to a woman. We discussed women, dating, dancing, hanging out among other things but we thought he would always be the same old Johnny. After my marriage, I lost touch with him for some time.

Lo and behold, a few years later he became Mr. Upper West Side. Always having large groups of Shabbat guests including women!! I nearly fainted. He was now confident and TALKATIVE. He knew how to chat up the ladies. What a metamorphosis! But life is cruel and he had some crippling injuries that made him unable to work and he's always in pain although he hides it well. So his dating record took a nosedive. Years go by, more surgeries, poor results. But we seem to converse more often now (I guess because I'm single again and so we are in a similar stage).

A few months ago, he called with a question. His best friend Robert is pursuing this woman even though she keeps him at arms length. Jonathan and other friends get the sense that she is interested in Jonathan instead of Robert. So, should he ask her out or in the very least attempt to find out if she has feelings towards him? The serious issue being does he stab his best friend in the back while he looks out for his own best interests? Remember, his prospects are extremely limited; perhaps he should jump on the opportunity regardless of his friend’s stated intentions and feelings. I advised him to, at least through the grapevine, find out if she likes him or Robert or neither. Jonathan remained steadfast about never compromising his friend's feelings or steal his thunder. In fact, he tried to help Robert’s case by frequently mentioning his name to her with a positive spin. He put his little guy in neutral and remained loyal to his best friend. He was entirely selfless.

Last night he told me that in the end, he found out that she was interested in neither of them but liked them as friends. This episode had lasted over many months, and yet he restrained himself, so I commended him for showing me how a true friend and gentleman acts. I thanked him for giving me a life lesson just as he in turn thanked me for those I had given him all those years ago.

Now look were it got us...

Singles Comingle

A single guy moved into our neighborhood and put into action a plan that had been spoken of for years but never realized. Why not have all the singles get together on Shabbat afternoon and develop a strong support system? Brilliant, but who was going to organize it? No one, that is, until he came along. There have been a few gatherings so far but I have been so busy with my kids that I felt I couldn’t get away. In reality, I had no excuse because the invitation clearly stated children are welcome so as to encourage full participation. So, when my niece popped over in the afternoon, I politely begged her to watch the kids for an hour while I indulge myself in the guilty pleasure of adult socialization. I decided not to bring the children because I would end up being the babysitter and never get a chance to really connect with anyone. Everyone must have had the same idea or have had enough of their children because no one brought them!

As an aside, one of my buddies was there. His current girlfriend was horrified to hear that he would be attending a singles event. He explained that this was more of a support system than a meet-market. I happened to share his take on the reason for this group and figured that we could all share some stories from the trenches and maybe someone knows someone who know someone…But truth be told, in the back of my mind I was hoping to meet a someone special. Perhaps we all did. So I guess my buddy’s girlfriend has reason to feel insecure.

I found the crowd very pleasant and engaging and I do look forward to more gatherings.

I am currently reading a section of Mom’s House, Dad’s House by Isolina Ricci that has offered me some perspective on this new group and how to view the people there. Dr. Ricci points out that a mistake newly divorced people have when meeting others of the opposite sex is that they immediately evaluate them based on all the qualities that they would require in a mate. There obviously is a proper time for those analyses but it is important to expand your circle of friends and support systems. The qualities that can make a good friend are not as stringent as those for Mr. Right or Ms. Wonderful. Social relations need not be predicated solely upon the search for a new mate. There are things we need to do to increase our ‘personal income’; things that satisfy our emotional needs so that we can in turn be better givers to our children and others. I have neglected this area for too long; played the martyr and have succeeded only in draining myself as well as my patience. I need to expand my circle or support and have some downtime to recharge my batteries.

Hey maybe this new group could offer a new perspective on life. And seeing a nice smile once in a while can go along way to brighten my spirits.