Unmasked

Boy, do I feel like an international superstar. I finally gave in and joined Frumster. Apparently, citizenship in the US creates a barrier to first contact. Foreigner on multiple continents, however, share no such restriction. Women from the UK, Africa, Russia, Belgium, Israel, Brazil, and Canada have been hounding me. The fact that I won't relocate has not hindered their interest so I politely wish them good wishes and send them on their way. Why the Australians and Asians have not chimed in is a mystery.

What I find surprising is that they viewed my profile before my picture passed the review process. Whether a picture is going to be a hindrance or benefit to me, time will tell. I do not understand why people would not put up their photo. So I asked one of the woman and she claimed that her ex was looking at her profile. Who cares if your ex sees your profile? Write something innocuous. Do you really believe he doesn't know you are dating? If he contacts you there, you can block him.

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Damn it, put up a photo. Sooner or later I'm gonna have to see you and if I'm not attracted, all those wonderful chats will have been for naught. I assume you are unattractive or have low self esteem, so I won't even venture a click.

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If you are on some self-righteous test-a-thon to determine if a guy is truly not into material thing, that in itself is annoying. People are people and have certain attractions that can't be denied. It's human nature. For you to test me straight off the bat is downright condescending and presumptuous. Why not get to know me and me you and let's find a place in the REAL world? Sooner or later you will be unmasked.

Prelude To A Preface

(Updated quote at end)

Sometimes I feel like I have been robbed of a portion of my spirituality. Skeptic groups with their meticulous dissection of the Torah with the scalpel of logic has enlightened my intellectual understanding of religion but at the same time amputated my yearning for the ineffable mystery and experiential aspects of human existence (say what?). And so I have chosen to read Between God and Man: An interpretation of Judaism from the writings of Abraham J. Heschel, a great Jewish philosopher. I'm not thoroughly versed in philosophy and often find I get so lost in the verbose presentation that I begin to think the philosopher (in general) hadn't a clue as to what he was writing about. If you can't break it down into simple language, you ain't got it.

Back to this book in particular. I started reading the preface by F.A. Rothchild and found my head spinning and quite lost. I was about to give up on the book when I just decided to jump ahead to the text from Heschel. It was surprisingly easier to read than I imagined. I'm still wrestling with some of the concepts and not sure I agree with them all but he seems to be addressing my concerns mentioned at the very beginning of this post. But why on Earth would you make the preface less accessible to the reader than the text itself? Quite frustrating to say the least.

As I searched for an image of the cover, I discovered a newer edition than the one I'm reading which has a foreword by David Hartman. From other writings of Hartman, I expect more philo-talk. So I'll skip that too.


In the meantime, for all you quote-miners out there:
"Remember that there is a meaning beyond absurdity. Be sure that every little deed counts, that every word has power. Never forget that you can still do your share to redeem the world in spite of all absurdities and frustrations and disappointments." -A. J. Heschel

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"The unthinking embrace of irrationality is literally madness. But embracing rationality while denying the existence of any mystery to life and its meaning-that is no less a form of madness than eager devotion to unreason." -Odd Thomas in Forever Odd by Dean Koontz

Astronaut's Perspective

As with any divorce, I have my share of financial problems. Some are my own fault, some are the ex's and some are just the nature of the beast and what life throws my way. I try not to let it eat at me as much as it used to. There was a point when things were so bad that I literally felt like crying and had even sought the counsel of a bankruptcy lawyer. Thank God the tide had changed and is moving in the right direction albeit at a petty pace. One needs only to look at the fortune of others to gain perspective on their own fortune. We meet people with failing health, loss of loved ones, overall those less fortunate than ourselves. We meet people who do everything right and are handed sickening verdicts from deranged judges and scheming lawyers.

I recall a very powerful drasha that has lasted with me since high school. The main thrust was that a person should ask themselves why they witnessed or heard about a given event (tragedy or otherwise). What is lacking in me that I witnessed an accident on the side of the road? Am I a reckless driver and need to slow down or perhaps that would be an inspiration to join Hatzolah? Another person's judicial nightmare makes me want to be easier on my ex and avoid court as much as possible.

A good friend of mine purchased a business a few years ago and recently I found out that it was not only failing but he max-ed out his credit cards and couldn't even make this months rent. Tears were welling up in his eyes as he talked to me especially when he described how his wife broke down in tears when she found out their savings were lost. All the money they could have used for their kids college fund or for family vacations gone up in smoke. What doesn't kill you makes you stronger he quoted, 'but this will kill me,' he concluded. He couldn't look me in the eye when he described how the loss of the business made him feel like a failure, a failure as a man, the breadwinner, the one responsible for the security of his family. If I had anything of my own to give, I would have. I briefly considered letting him use my credit card but I'm already 10's of thousands on credit. I just listened instead and watched him leave, a broken man.

I recently watched Astronaut Farmer about a man determined to go into space against all odds. He stood up to the government, ridicule, and risked his families farm and all their savings for his dream. I half wanted it to be a realistic ending and a depressing failure. Well life ain't like the movies folks. Sometimes 'You got to know when to hold 'em, know when to fold 'em, know when to walk away and know when to run.'-(Kenny Rogers) But when a person has a vested interest, walking away with a moderate loss is painful to the point where he convinces himself that he can turn it even at the risk of devastating loss. But more than that, the emotional investment has been substantial, he hadn't had a good night sleep in months. He needs to be set free and with time, forgive himself for life beyond his control. He has an amazing talented, musical family, the kind of family you see in shows from the 50's and 60's. I hope he can climb out of his hole and rebuild his blessed life.

And now I thank God for all he has given me. My perspective while viewing on-high is that my situation is far better than many others and certainly not worth bitching about.

Damn it.

Righteous Indignation

When the flames of passion are ignited for a cause not your own, you can be assured that evolution is on your side. 'In-group' thinking has many components that together allow for a cohesive and functional group. Someone considering actions or thoughts not in line with consensus is subjected to mocking or economic or physical punishment to enforce compliance. The compliance is two-fold, that of the individual in question and that of the remainder of the group who sees what happened to the first person and derives the appropriate lesson. But evolution added a critical feature: righteous indignation. By firing up an adverse reaction to non-compliance or 'illegal' activity, members of the group are driven to react in a manner that will attempt to enforce societies rules whether physically, or by reporting the offense, or by jeering the person with feelings of contempt. And so society can have its checks and balances and the social order preserved. Those individually who had a propensity to function within those effective means of social order were more likely to survive (with all the benefits afforded by group living) and pass their genes on.

So I spoke with a Righteous Indignator last night who 'lost respect' for me because of how I treated my best friend by going out with his ex-girlfriend shortly after their break up. Her role here: None. Yet she felt it was her place to not only feel passionately offended but moved to the point of expressing those denigrating thoughts to me concerning what she considered inappropriate behavior for friends or a group. I listened to her piece, told her she has a right to her opinion, that my life is not meant to be judged by the court of public opinion. She couldn't process any of my explanations for mitigating circumstances so I abruptly said that I just don't really care what others think or that she lost respect, it's not her business.

Modern society allows much more fluidity such that the consequences for defecting from the group-think is much lower. If I don't like this group or community, I can withdraw or leave or even find different friends. And while there is a lot of value I recognize and obtain by being in the group, I have an independent streak that will not be silenced.

But what ever you do, don't repeat anything I just wrote! In the immortal words of Ahmed the dead terrrorist: Silence! I kill you!

Night Scare

I had a dream...Actually I had a nightmare last night. It shocked me out of my sleep at 4:30AM and I was unable to fall back asleep until of course the alarm rang. Web Girl and others have recommended Stephen King's novels, and Come Running gave me a Dean Koontz book. Needless to say that fact had nothing to do with my night-scare.


I dreamed I was on a first date at a burger joint (yes, I know, I really know how to impress) and the date was going fine until I got handed the check of $120.00 for two burgers. I couldn't breathe, they were just burgers for God's sake. I was jolted awake with such ferocity that I scarcely recall more than a few dreams over my entire life having that effect. I can't believe it either. I chalk it up to a combo of an evening coffee (which I never do) and one teensy episode I experienced at Burger Pal in Cedarhurst.

But first, I would like to take you to the special place in my heart (and stomach) for fast food burgers. As a child I often went to the Rockaways to the beach during the summer. Afterward, I would go to Kosher Chef, which has long since gone, and enjoyed burgers and the best eggroll this side of China. It had a Hungarian goulash filling that was to die for (probably literally). Fond memories indeed. I was shocked when Burger Nosh in Cedarhurst closed while everywhere around it all types of restaurants opened. Was I the only one who plumbed the depths of the fast food burger experience? And until Jan 08 my last bastion of hope remained with the Burger Nosh in Queens. But alas, they too have closed shop. What is a LI kid supposed to do? I can't get to burger delight in Manhattan as, let's face it, it ain't the most convenient commute when alls I'ma lookin' for is some burger and fast ones at that. If I was going to travel, I would just skip over to Chicago to Ken's Diner for Burger Buddies, the Avi and other palate stimulating offerings.

I'm taken back to my younger years when Ken's Diner was the beginnings of a wonderful relationship. Primarily with the Burger Buddies but also with a lovely young waitress. What a great vacation. In retrospect, I probably shouldn't have blown off my buddies as much as I did...ahhh...ok where was I?

Time to bring up the burger...incident. Last week I was with the kids and they told me about 'express burgers'. I called information thinking that was the name of the place and the operator connected me. I placed the order for seven burgers and some fries. I then realized that I really wanted to go to Yossi's Grill but instead had ordered from a place hitherto unknown to me, Burger Pal. I had tried to cancel the order along the way but they already made the order. I don't like to screw people based on my misjudgments so I proceeded to Burger Pal after loading the kids up after mistakingly de-vanning at Yossi's Grill. The man thanked me for not being a no-show as apparently some people are. I looked at the bill and it was over $80.00 Yep, I had to consciously think about breathing for quite some time while I quickly ushered the kids out lest they order drinks too. McDonald's seemed like a very appealing option for the future. I kept my cool but my stomach turned and my wallet felt light. Now, to be fair these were not fast food burgers but even so, I can't afford to have night out with the kids cost that much. And so, properly traumatized by this, the foundation was laid for its nocturnal expression. I'm still trying to digest this one.

Face Lift

Come Running sent me a Daily Lift because it too follows in the theme of my mirroring posts.

Daily Lift #233
King Solomon’s Wise Formula

In the book of Proverbs (27:19), we find an amazing formula for peace. “As in water, face is to face, so too is the heart of one person to another.”

When you look at your reflection in a pond or in a mirror, you will see the exact same expression that is on your face. If you frown and scowl, you will see a frown and scowl staring right back at you. And if you smile and wave, you will see a smile and a wave. This is a natural law of physics. To frown and expect to see a smile on the image of your face in a mirror isn't a wise expectation.

King Solomon teaches us that this natural law has a counterpoint in the laws of human nature. The inner feelings you experience towards someone will be reflected back to you from the heart of that person.

See the good in other people. See them as being souls who have high aspirations even if at present they are not yet using all of their potential. See people as they will be when they are at their best. Judge people favorably. See the positive intentions of what they say and do even when it would be preferable if they chose better ways to accomplish those positive intentions.

The way to influence people to feel better towards you is to radiate unconditional love and respect towards them. When someone likes and respects you first, it's easier to reciprocate those feelings. It is a step towards greatness to be the one to create unconditional love and respect when you need to sustain this in the face of challenges. Be willing to take this step.

(from Rabbi Zelig Pliskin’s book, Harmony with Others, pp.32-3, artscroll.com)


This snippet can apply to understanding human-God relations as well. There is a famous pasuk where God says "If you leave me a day, I will leave you for two days (Im ta'azvaini yom, yo'mayim eh'ezveka)." Now that sounds rather harsh and spiteful. God is saying, "If you withdraw from me a day, HAH, I can do worse, I'll withdraw from you two-fold." I believe I heard this from R. Frand that this is an incorrect rendering of the deeper meaning behind the saying. God mirrors human behavior towards Him. If you come closer, he meets you halfway. If you withdraw in one direction, he too withdraws but in an equal and opposite, directly proportional direction.

See diagram for your basic geometry of our relationship with God. Center '0' is the point of ultimate oneness with God (obviously a theoretical point). You end up twice as far from God when you travel one unit (as he moves the same amount in the opposite direction). Your actions and attitudes directly impact on your relationship with the Divine as well as others in you life.

This reminded me of Rebbetzin Jungreis' lecture at SYAS Back to Camp Moshava weekend in 2005. She described all the sadness and heartbreak people have shared with her about their dating situation. The one thing she stressed to all of them was that they have every right to experience their own pain but what right do you have to make others experience it as well? She elaborated that you should always smile at people. If you are depressed by your situation and show it in your face, that affects MY mood. What have I done to deserve that negative aura? Obviously, it isn't easy to always show the world a happy face but it's certainly worth the effort. It may even start to affect your own mood in a positive manner.

Cue Mr. Rourke on Fantasy Island, "Smiles everybody, smiles."