Breaking News

Yep. It's official. I'm engaged. So let me offer an original idea related to the breaking of the glass at the wedding ceremony.

The giving of the Torah at Mt. Sinai has been compared to a wedding, to that of the Jewish people to G-d. R. Shimshon ben Tsadok (Tashbets Katan 465) say, "The general rule is that all the customs regarding the bride and groom are learned from the giving of the Torah, when G-d appeared as the groom before His bride, Israel." Parallels are found between a wedding and Mt. Sinai. Just as Moses acted as an intermediary between G-d and Israel, so too matches are arranged through a shadchan. Just like Torah was given on earth, our territory, so too weddings are made in the bride's hometown. Escorts of the bride and groom carry candles recalling the lightning at Mt. Sinai. The mountain held over their head was like a chuppah while the giving of the Torah was like giving the bride a ring. Even the breaking of the glass is compared to breaking of the tablets.

This last parallel is very odd especially when you think about it. The breaking of tablets was a real low point in the relationship between Jewish people and G-d. G-d was betrayed; He was ready to sever all ties with Jews, in fact to destroy them and find a new partner. How is such a negative thought relevant to a marriage and especially at that pinnacle moment of the marriage ceremony itself?

There is a conceptual link between the two 'breakings' which provides a crucial message to the bride and groom. Most newlyweds or couples contemplating marriage have a very idyllic view of marriage. They won't make the same mistakes as their parents, they never will fight. Divorce is not even in their vocabulary for their idealized, envisioned future. And here they are, looking their best, all eyes on them, the world wishing them well and participating in their special moment. What could ever go wrong?

But there is a lesson. The shattering of the glass is a shattering of that idyllic image of a perfect life together in marriage. There are going to be low points, perhaps betrayals on some level. But look at what happened at Mt Sinai. G-d and the Jewish people were able to eventually overcome that devastating moment. They were able to repair their relationship and declare it eternal. History has shown it to be so.

And if such a tragedy could be overcome, let the newlyweds endeavor not to just give up and abandon their partner, but rather renew their commitment to each other in the face of adversity and then their low points could be surmountable as well!

-All this from a divorced guy ;)
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Altar-native Lifestyle

Rosh Hashanah sets the tone for the year. So for all of us who slept late, through prayer, & napped in the pm- may it be a restful, dream filled year!
Such were the great words of the Altar of Chelm.

This past year, as now, many of us have set out on our quest for the Holy Grail. Inspired by the Rosh Hashanah reading of the binding of Isaac, we too wish to journey to the altar in order to make our ultimate sacrifice. Note to self: choose the blade.

There are two types of altars in the Bible: Mizbe'ach and MaTzeivah. The first is made of multiple components and the second of a single stone. It is significant that the last Torah reading before Rosh Hashanah is always Netzvavim (which has the same root as MaTzeivah). In that Parsha, R.Frand notes that the transfer of leadership has the people assembled (netzavim) as a unified one, accepting the new ruler. On Rosh Hashanah we assemble before God as one people unified in our acceptance of the oneness and singular rulership of God.

But why did the Torah elsewhere exhort us NOT to made a MaTzeivah of/for ourselves?" For accepting Divine rule, there, it is necessary to be of singular mind. But in human existence being one or by oneself isn't ideal. Spiritually, a person who is standing still as a single, solid golem-like MaTazeivah, is uni-dimensional. The Torah wants us to be more than that, to always progress, to move forward and not stagnate (That's why Nitzavim is often connected to Vayelech- our leaders mission is to take these intransient obstinate people and move them forward spiritually and socially). We need to strive to higher levels, refine our character, and overcome our baser nature.

Socially, people were not created to live in a vacuum (Hoover or otherwise) or as hermits. Being alone makes one focus only on himself. But when joined with a partner, he would be challenged to be a better person, learn how to give and not be self-centered so that the two could share and enjoy in life's journey. As with Abraham and Isaac, the altar is the test. Which altar we choose for ourselves could very well determine what kind of altar we merit finding.
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Default Settings

Default settings. We all have them. Occasionally life allows us to deviate from them. We can ride the high of a new career or the low of a divorce but sooner or later we return to our natural selves. Hence DEFAULT setting. It's not our fault, you know.

Here's a mirror. Go take a good honest look at yourself. Ignore the fact that I'm staring too. You know you look nice so let's get past that. What do you notice about yourself when you have the chance to see yourself as others perceive you? Can you identify who you really are?

There is just a little problem here; one that requires not a leading psychologist but rather a good author to identify. In Michael Crichton's book, Prey, in the midst of all the action, there is a 2 page digression that held a fascinating insight into self-reflection. "There's one problem with all psychological knowledge-nobody can apply it to themselves. People can be incredibly astute about the shortcomings of their friends, spouses, children. But they have no insight into themselves at all...Psychological knowledge doesn't work if you look in a mirror." He then compares this to a computer procedure called recursion which causes the computer program to loop back on itself. Sometimes the computer gets lost in a infinite regress and is stuck there like "those fun-house mirrors that reflect mirrors, and mirrors, even smaller and smaller, stretching away to infinity...something similar must happen when people turn their psychological insight-apparatus on themselves. The brain hangs. The thought process goes and goes, but it doesn't get anywhere. It must be something like that, because we know that people can think about themselves indefinitely. Some people think of little else. Yet people never seem to change as a result of their intense introspection. They never understand themselves better. It's very rare to find genuine self-knowledge."

So at the risk of many more years of bad luck (if you really believe being single is so bad), let's shatter those mirrors and consider the 'crisis' attitude, in general. A prevalent situation within the religious community is the singular mindset and focus on 'getting married.' It seems that some people exist just to get married. They are entirely incomplete without another person. They wake up unhappy because they're alone, they experience their sense of incompleteness regularly. Their default setting is unhappy. They have missed the point of life. Life is to be lived in the moment. There can be so much joy in the moment, even during the arduous journey that will eventually lead toward finding a partner. But to live in the gloom is indicative of an unhappy default setting. What happens when the goal of marriage is achieved? What will the next obsession be? How will this person live in that new here-and-now? Who are they? Do they know themselves? What is their essence, their core? Will they suddenly be bubbly, laugh a lot, project happiness? I fear not. They will eventually come down off the high of wedding bells and return to default unhappiness. Maybe the new unhappiness will focus on disappointment in their partner, maybe on the troubles of life, who know? But the default setting is where they will be.

People have to solve their own problems and discover who they are before they attempt merging with another life-form. Then they can bring a happy complement to the table when approaching a prospective mate. Someone who expects others to solve their problems will ultimately be disappointed and perhaps even unfairly blame the spouse for not helping them achieve that goal.

Again, the problem is the incorrect assumption that marriage is the GOAL. Marriage is only a means to develop and grow spiritually and physically with your soul-mate. It is but an indication of commitment to make this journey together. It is a natural outgrowth of a healthy bond that develops when two people find love in each other. But when marriage is THE GOAL, people lose sight of what marriage is all about and meant to be. Marriage should lead to a journey of sharing & growth. Instead of getting all depressed about not being married (which is a turn off by the way), be determined to keep seeking out your soul-mate. It's a process that can be frustrating but we have the capacity to choose our ATTITUDE towards life even if we can't change what life sends our way. During this journey we need to learn how to relate, how to listen, how to consider others needs without hurting our own. Couples should have Mutual interests, common goals, similar religious level, the commitment to work hard, and most importantly mutual respect. Without respect disaster looms. It's OK to disagree, argue your point of view but it's not OK to yell, act passive aggressively (and certainly not aggressively). You should never give up who you are while still being accepting of the other. You need to be a team, with each person giving the best part of themselves.

So get out there, have fun dating, pursue Your Wildest Dreams and fulfill your spirit. And, for God's sake, lighten up and be happy!
Drop the Moody Blues so that I'll only find happiness 'mirrored in your eyes.'
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Number one reason for divorce is:

MARRIAGE!!!
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Bashert

Bashert. It's a difficult concept to wrap my finger around (or should I say, wrap around her finger). We have all, at some point in our lives, let our mind dwell on our perfect soul-mate. Yep, that one. The one God has created solely (soul-ly) for us. The one some bas-kol calls out from the womb that so-and-so is destined to join with what's-her-face. The concept of bashert can be intoxicating perhaps even addicting. It may even be counterproductive. The bashert WE envision in our minds eye is the standard to which we hold every perspective candidate that applies via on-line, singles mixers or even through eye contact on the Q-train (should be renamed Q-ute train). Even after marriage, divorce, serious relationships, I still believe there is my direct complement waiting for me to compliment her and get the balls-a-rollin'. My bud fears for such a world where there may be two like me and so do I. But dream and wish I do, maybe even to say 'I do" just like you do too. (untwist tongue here).

But how can it be that there is this one person right for me when I have really fallen in love multiple times over the course of my life and at the time, that one was right for me? Ms. Right Now. I guess ultimately we can only make that determination through hindsight. Yes, people say I have acted like, and look like, an ass but I refuse to be the butt of their jokes. I tend to think that we make our own destiny through our own choices, making them, hopefully, by considering all the information we have at hand. Being honest with ourselves with what we can handle, if we can be fulfilled, are we in love or just in love with the concept of being in love. I used to believe that love conquered all. I think it has tremendous powers to overcome many obstacles but not necessarily everything. I'm just being honest with what I can handle just as others have done when considering my large family or limited resources. It can only get worse by denying my needs, desires, & rich fantasy life (whoops, did I say that out loud?). I will come to regret my choice, come to resent my partner, and passive aggressive may turn into another failed relationship.

So now, I'm dating from the other extreme. Hypersensitive to every nuance, telescoping the whole relationship such that I play out all the variables that I can envision without actually letting life play itself out. I haven't given at least two women a fair chance based on that nervous cut n run reaction. Sometimes you have to take the chance, the chance to really get hurt, to really end up hurting someone for the opportunity to maybe, just maybe, win the gold and give the gold. I keep second guessing myself. I see the red flags, I hear my gut calling out and it ain't for chow. So do I ignore and get burnt later? Do I play it out and up the ante, only to watch my castle in the sky crumble? Fission is so much easier than fusion. In the end, it probably has to be a balance between the two extremes, acknowledging the risks and handling each development as honestly and gently as possible.

Gotta run....
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Shidduch Crisis

I was reading an interesting post here. According to the North American Shidduch Initiative, 'the Shidduch Crisis is caused by the large age gap between husbands and wives...So if the logic that there's an even number of guys and girls of each age holds water, then, yes, bridging the age gap would pair up more couples close in age, thereby having more people available to others.'

My comment was that I think this concept is WAY OFF. Age is not the issue. I know that I have been able to relate to woman of variable ages. It's the personality that matters. Sometimes, a woman my age but with dissimilar life experiences, can not relate to me but to someone a decade her senior.

The shidduch crisis is primarily a result of the lack of understanding between genders. It is fostered by segregation of the sexes such that the social skills necessary to relate and understand of the thought processes of the other are stunted.

It also stems from the unrealistic expectation that society and individuals place upon themselves and their mate whether it be financial success, body type, style of dress or level of religious observance.

You must look for the inner fine character and be wary of the external trappings. He may treat you nicely on a date but look how he treats the parking attendant or the waiter. Observation is key to finding out what you need to know. So is good communication. Without it you will never truly be able to relate to you partner.

People need to learn how to relate, how to listen, how to consider others needs without hurting their own. Couples should have Mutual interests, common goals, similar religious level, the commitment to work hard, and most importantly mutual respect. Without respect disaster looms. It's ok to disagree, argue your point of view but it's not ok to yell, act passive aggressively (and certainly not aggressively). You should never give up who you are but rather be accepted and be accepting of the other. You need to be a team and not selfish or childish. If college could require courses in gender understanding and relationships (and tax preparation, how to change your oil, simple home repairs), people would have a better shot at finding true happiness and managing a functional home life.

The problem, even with the concept of "shidduch crisis," is the incorrect assumption that marriage is the GOAL. Marriage is only a means to develop and grow spiritually and physically with your soul-mate. It is but an indication of commitment to make this journey together. But when marriage is THE GOAL, people lose sight of what marriage is all about and meant to be. Marriage should be a journey of sharing & growth. Instead of getting all depressed (which is a turn off by the way) about not being married, be determined to keep seeking out your complement. Good luck to us all.

In the background, I hear the famous soccer announcer yelling, GOOOOOALLLL!
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I'm No Cardiologist

Read this post first.

There is no way to sugar coat it. No manner to make it more palatable, more acceptable. I broke our engagement and Tali's heart. It will never feel right even if I justify logically the need to separate. Since it is so fresh, so raw, I expect her friends to defend her vehemently and pour forth their righteous indignation. And they have. I deserve it; I accept their rebuke.

So how does one delicately tell the person he loves and wishes to spend every waking moment with, that there is no way to make it work. Compound it with a commitment of engagement with a ring and watch exchanged. Her friends deplore the fact that I just, out of the blue, amputated her from my life. Is there an easier way? Should we have had long tearful, gut wrenching discussions for weeks on end, only for me to come to the same realization, that I can't make this merger work. I know she tried her best and was succeeding (as far as I know). I gave it my all and I failed. The past many months have had the specifics addressed and all the techniques that we could think of were put out forth. There was only one major discussion on the matter a few months ago and more specific minor discussions as to how to handle the problem as each incident arouse.

I guess she and her friends are mortified by the fact that she was unaware of my feelings. I should never have proposed if I had made peace with the issue. (I thought I had). The reality is that I was trying to make those feelings disappear and if they vanished from my mind, everything would be OK. But once I started realizing that it can't be ignored, it was already too late and the merger untenable.

I even seriously considered marrying her and living in separate homes but she wouldn't hear of it. Yeah and it is kinda weird. I saw a psychologist to give me insights into child behavior. I read books about transforming the difficult child and family dynamics. I tried having the kids interact often and in the end I just felt like I was losing my mind from them as is clear from the previous post.

So, again I ask you how do you end it? I told her simply the facts, that I tried, I thought I could do it but I can't. I love her dearly but it's not going to work. Was I supposed to put my arms around her while I dropped the bomb? Was I supposed to start acting distant, then pick or look for fights, then escalate over time so that when it finally comes she would say, "Good riddance he's an ass for the way he treats me."?

Believe me if I felt there was any more answers to make this work, I would jump on it in a second. But there isn't. She told me in August, "If it's right, you make it work." She told me to speak to the psychologist, to read the books. Living separately was not an option nor was waiting many years to see if the kids grow out of their behavioral issues. I thought I was OK but I wasn't. I thought the kids were getting more manageable but they weren't. Love blinded me and I wanted to be blind just to have Tali. But my insides were torn apart by my inability to find resolution. From all our discussions over the past few months, there was nothing new to add, only perhaps guilt that plans were made, that we were going to town hall in a week to let the government once again interfere with our lives. There was very little time left and I know ultimately my decision was right for me and my family, horrible for Tali, and maybe not so bad for her children.

So, I am curious to hear how you would have ended it; what marvelous techniques I failed to employ? It had to be done and there was no way to make it hurt less. I AM SORRY for all of us but most of all, for Tali.

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Saw You At Sinai 2008

Fantastic Saw You At Sinai back to camp weekend. More on that later.

I was stuck by a heated debate regarding when to divulge information that can influence/hurt a shidduch. Some of my divorced friends at the table were quite emphatic about the importance of providing strategic information (not just spreading rumors). A marriage is one of the most major decisions in life and as with all weighty prospects all variables should be properly considered. It is then up to the parties involved to pursue the information, clarify and decide for themselves if the 'damning' information is indeed so or if it can be accepted. We all have faults, after all. What may be unacceptable to you may be manageable for me.

What struck me was that the majority of the others including the rabbi felt quite strongly that unless it is physical abuse (AS IF mental abuse doesn't matter), for the sake of the shidduch, one should refrain from revealing information. You can't imagine how dumbstruck I was by this reaction. How myopic!

I later reflected on their motivation. Of course, they felt that they didn't want to hurt anyone and they didn't want to be the one that interfered in a shidduch and thus take the blame for relegating a friend to more years of loneliness. Noble enough. HOWEVER, they fail to consider the flip side. Shouldn't a person know the truth and then make a conscientious decision? What if you could have saved them from many tortuous years living with the unbearable or spending years and countless fortunes in civil court or be bullied by religious court? Two people who can't accept all (ok, most) aspects of their spouse are going to have a hard, if not miserable marriage. What kind of environment will their children grow up in when there is so much tension or unresolved issues? I can tell you first hand that emotional distress from a difficult relationship is excruciatingly painful, perhaps as much as physical abuse.

Hellllooooo, you're getting married, you are supposed to be an adult, you should be able to make rational decisions! You are not a foolish child (perhaps you are) that your friend's have to protect you. GROW UP, ALL OF YOU!

The real underlying issue can be lack of perspective, especially on the part of the overprotective friend. They see marriage as THE GOAL and they could possibly interfere with you crossing the finish line. But marriage is not the goal, it is only the means whereby two people could actualize their potential, could find happiness and satisfaction. But there you go and feel you are doing them a favor when in reality you could have prevented the wrong people, two people who wouldn't be good for each other, from getting together. Marriage, for them, is a recipe for disaster. At least clue them in and let them take responsibility for their choices.

People can modify some behavior with a lot of work but personalities don't change much (barring good drugs). Book of Proverbs 22:6, says 'Train up a child in the way he should go, even when he is old he will not depart from it.' But the point is to teach him according to his ways/personality because even in his old age his personality won't deviate. The education must reflect the needs of each individual personality so that it can be accepted and incorporated. This person with the character flaw ain't gonna change just because he met a nice spouse.

So, be smart, consider the facts, make a conscientious decision. Your decision has far reaching consequences. In the end, the ultimate decision should be yours.

So, let the buyher beware (and get out of the lending library).

Adventures in Breslov (Updated)

Lately I have been hanging out at various restaurants, minding mine own business as well as that of everyone else who happens to pass by. Then he appears out of the blue. Tall, Dark... overcoat. I immediately recognize him as the roving Breslov tzedakah collector armed with a myriad of "How-to' books regarding relationships, life, happiness etc. I failed to dive under the table in time when he was already upon me. "Tzedakah for hachnasat kallah (wedding money)," he asked, while wishing me and Tali happiness and Brachah. I give a dollar because I don't like to turn people away empty-handed but the truth is that no one collected money for my wedding (parent company excluded). We had a wedding within our means as should everyone. It's not like a wedding is a life-saving procedure withheld by the evil insurance empire. It's an extra, a frill. In fact, if most people saw what would become of their life after marriage, they would save their money for a lawyer or a good set of earphones for the stereo. But I'm getting off topic here.

Last week, Tzedakah-man gave me mishnah Avot. Not bad for a dollar. Last night, I got the book you see in the photo. A large volume of advice how to live, Breslov style. I tried to make a profit on it once T-man left. I went around the store and up and down the street asking for a two dollar donation for the book but there were no takers. People told me they were saving it for the opening of Indiana Jones movie that night. Can't blame 'em.

But something struck me as hilarious. Look at the title and see if you can figure it out. I'll post the answer next week if no one gets it.

UPDATE:

Kudos to the Feds. Mr. FedUp correctly identified the underlying theme. If said quickly, the title translates as 'Short gleanings from a MORON.' Cassuto originally posited that there was one author with varied ideas and his name was MoHaRon. Luckily, Wellhausen was able to identify the multiple authorship as the work of many bored Breslevs who refused to get a job. Most probably there were four but it is possible there were other contributors. Along came the great redactor Ezra MeBreslov and amended the title so that no one in their right mind would know that this was a work of morons. And since then, every one of us exposed to these books given out at the restaurants, eats it all up.

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Gut Reaction

Now I don't know if I believe in life in the great beyond or in communication between that world and ours but something made me stop and think. I was pondering what happened to me shortly after my engagement to be married. I was struck with a bad case of hepatitis of unknown etiology. I was out of commission for a week but sad to say I recovered without learning my lesson. You see, my brother also contracted this nefarious condition just after he proposed as well. He too recovered but not before praying for his release. Until this day, I thought he meant release from the pain of this world during the darkest moments of his illness but in truth he meant release from the bonds of marriage. I was discussing this with a friend who pointed out that he got pneumonia after his sheva brachot and another of his friends developed diabetes at his engagement party.

I'm starting to see a pattern here. Is it a message from beyond, a warning from a higher being as to the cost of this ungodly enterprise? Or perhaps this is a visceral aversion borne out of evolutionary forces against monogamy. Shall I place my eggs in one basket, I ask myself? I'm leaning towards the latter proposal (if I dare say that word in public).

If you survive the gut wrenching warning klaxons and choose not to heed them, doom is on the horizon. One ritual gives a glimpse into your future. When the bride walks seven times around the groom, it symbolizes his impending downfall like that of the walls Jericho after seven circuits. Whether you fall to the warning message or fall for the bride, you will certainly have your kishkas eaten out of you.