God of the Gaps

A poll of the average shopper has clearly identified the God of the Gaps as the force behind extreme sales initiatives and marketing in the fashion industry. But of course what do people know?

Religious groups have claimed that the God of the Gaps is the power behind major changes in creatures over time, seen in the fossil record. Scientists call this evolution and point out that just because we don't have every fossil to show every stage along the way doesn't mean that evolution isn't happening. To the devout, the gaps are too great to fathom, too incredulous to be random and so God is inserted into these (ever narrowing) gaps. But since when does religion provide a more logical approach than science? What do these people know?

And so I have been searching for the true God of the Gaps. This God was found this morning during my 4-mile run with a good buddy. I have to say he has much more stamina than me (he claims in all areas but we have yet to set up the appropriate double-blind(folded) randomized trials). Slowly after mile 3 he was outpacing me. I called out to the God of the Gaps, praying for that burst of unearthly energy. I was struck so suddenly by the intense light (perhaps I was fainting from exhaustion or having a mystical vision or more likely an episode of temporal lobe epilepsy). It allowed me to shift into overdrive and finish at the same time as him. I realized the reason that I didn't outdo him (aside from the fact that he's better) is that the God of the Gaps can only narrow or close the gaps for the supplicant who is behind. For the one in the lead the God of the Gaps can indeed increase the gap so as to extend the lead but unless the guy behind you has a knife or has caught you with his wife, most of the time this prayer goes unrequested. So now, you too can know the one true God! I call him God of the Gasps!
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Careful How You Tread

I was sitting at a Chinese restaurant with Tali last night when she allowed me to glimpse the inner workings of a divorced females mind possibly blinding me forever. It may well be the mind of females in general but that information is privileged. She said that she keeps waiting for me to do something wrong (or possibly she said Bad or Crazy but being a guy with a smaller...hippocampus than gals, somethings just won't ever stick in my mind). BTW, the hippocampus is where memories are formed. I'm still scratching my head (hush, now) trying to figure out her birthday. Just kidding but I sure as heck hope she doesn't randomly ask.

So let's assume she's looking for me to take a misstep. Does she anticipate that because I am from the opposite team that I will certainly do something to upset her? Well DARN TOOTIN she does and you better believe I will. Who am I to disappoint? Any two people in close proximity and especially in a close relationship will invariably do something to aggravate, irritate, or just piss the other off. Apparently, I have successfully avoided that already although I was certain I hadn't.

No one could be totally in tune and in the proper frame of mind, always. Even expecting a mild spate of sanity is unusual for most relationships.
I won't even go into the obvious things like trying to be sensitive and anticipate each others feelings and needs. Finger down throat. Hmm...finger...guy brain activated. Thoughts of sex become a clear segue to shark sex. Apparently, the shark if the first creature to invent/discover sexual reproduction around 400 million years ago (at least that's what Evolve on the History Channel claims). The male bites on the extra-padded dorsal fin to turn the female over and maintain position. He even has an extra protrusion by his penis that clasps himself in her while mating. Who's the hooker now? I told this story to a female coworker and like the typical female she says, "He raped her." I tried to animate the scene by playing the role of the female shark talking to her dolphin female friends who tell her she should wake up and smell the krill, she was raped. I'm only a little embarrassed to say I used my best gay voice to simulate a female chain-smoking shark, to say, "But, I really like it rough."

I began to recall my own 'experiences' (haven't tried shark yet, their not kosher). I find that I grab hold to my partner tightly during those climactic moments when all oxygen leaves my brain and my basal ganglia and rudimentary earlier systems go into overdrive. Is this a similar by-product of evolution? Just as the shark bites the dorsal fin to hold position whereby the female can't escape, to ensure a completed act, so too I increase my grasp or do I just have an odd technique unworthy of Cosmo or Vanity Fair.

Where was I? Oh, what I need from all of you is suggestions on how to take my first misstep. I want to make mine memorable because you always remember your first. I'm usually of the mindset that I should just be myself and ouila, poo on the shoe. Any thoughts?

On a warped side note and mixing metaphors, make up sex after overstepping the bounds of normal behavior lead to a ...
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Righteous Indignation

When the flames of passion are ignited for a cause not your own, you can be assured that evolution is on your side. 'In-group' thinking has many components that together allow for a cohesive and functional group. Someone considering actions or thoughts not in line with consensus is subjected to mocking or economic or physical punishment to enforce compliance. The compliance is two-fold, that of the individual in question and that of the remainder of the group who sees what happened to the first person and derives the appropriate lesson. But evolution added a critical feature: righteous indignation. By firing up an adverse reaction to non-compliance or 'illegal' activity, members of the group are driven to react in a manner that will attempt to enforce societies rules whether physically, or by reporting the offense, or by jeering the person with feelings of contempt. And so society can have its checks and balances and the social order preserved. Those individually who had a propensity to function within those effective means of social order were more likely to survive (with all the benefits afforded by group living) and pass their genes on.

So I spoke with a Righteous Indignator last night who 'lost respect' for me because of how I treated my best friend by going out with his ex-girlfriend shortly after their break up. Her role here: None. Yet she felt it was her place to not only feel passionately offended but moved to the point of expressing those denigrating thoughts to me concerning what she considered inappropriate behavior for friends or a group. I listened to her piece, told her she has a right to her opinion, that my life is not meant to be judged by the court of public opinion. She couldn't process any of my explanations for mitigating circumstances so I abruptly said that I just don't really care what others think or that she lost respect, it's not her business.

Modern society allows much more fluidity such that the consequences for defecting from the group-think is much lower. If I don't like this group or community, I can withdraw or leave or even find different friends. And while there is a lot of value I recognize and obtain by being in the group, I have an independent streak that will not be silenced.

But what ever you do, don't repeat anything I just wrote! In the immortal words of Ahmed the dead terrrorist: Silence! I kill you!