Number one reason for divorce is:

MARRIAGE!!!
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Love Bites

It's been a year and a half since my pal, Gaston, got divorced. He has three kids, is good looking, and has all his hair (no fair). I think he still has feelings for his ex but he was broadsided (by his broad, no less). Since then, he has been the king of dating. What I can't fully comprehend yet is why he is aggressively dating if he sabotages his chances by revealing his lingering feelings and his deep-seated fear of commitment. I fear that when he finally IS ready to get serious, he will have no one left to date because all those who could've potentially been attracted to him, have already crossed him off their list.

This past Shabbat, he told me he met a nice woman from NJ who has FOUR kids and she is able to relocate. He has expressed that his former love is still ever present in his mind but he is starting to develop feelings for this woman. The biggest concern he has currently is how seven kids can live in one house. More specifically, neither of the two have a home that can accommodate more than what they already have. Do they sell both homes to buy a bigger one or do they build? And if so, who sells, whose kids get uprooted, how can you determine if the children can adjust to all these changes especially the addition of rival step-siblings? Should he even continue this relationship and perhaps fall in love, only to find that logistically it is impossible? How can he balance finding love with practical realities? Does he risk getting hurt or hurting her by continuing the potentially doomed relationship only to end up experiencing premature exasperation?

I don't have answers for him, just a few thoughts. Discuss the scenarios from the onset. I feel that if you know something can't be resolved, don't risk love. But if things have potential to work out, it's worth the risk of falling in love, even at the risk of extreme pain. As Jonny Cash sang, "Love, is a burnin' thing..." Your playing with fire, folks. Invariably, someone is going to get burnt.
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FREEDOM

Good news ladies and gents. The 'ex' has finally signed off on the, hopefully, last revision to the stipulation of settlement. I'm going to give my John Hancock next week and be done with it. I guess I got off kinda easy considering that it has only been five glorious years in divorce court with custody battle. I have earned my wings and I'm ready to soar.

You might imagine me to be ecstatic or overcome with joy but the reality of all the recurrent delays have led me to a callous state. I could only feel relief. I'm happy that court is over but I temper that with knowledge that she could apply for custody in a year and I'll be back in court. At least I have an honest, interested judge. Compared to other friends, my story is tame and I feel horribly for them and the pain that the system has inflicted on them.

In this passover season, I wish everyone (who needs it) freedom from the bondage of a bad marriage and affliction of a cruel system.

Astronaut's Perspective

As with any divorce, I have my share of financial problems. Some are my own fault, some are the ex's and some are just the nature of the beast and what life throws my way. I try not to let it eat at me as much as it used to. There was a point when things were so bad that I literally felt like crying and had even sought the counsel of a bankruptcy lawyer. Thank God the tide had changed and is moving in the right direction albeit at a petty pace. One needs only to look at the fortune of others to gain perspective on their own fortune. We meet people with failing health, loss of loved ones, overall those less fortunate than ourselves. We meet people who do everything right and are handed sickening verdicts from deranged judges and scheming lawyers.

I recall a very powerful drasha that has lasted with me since high school. The main thrust was that a person should ask themselves why they witnessed or heard about a given event (tragedy or otherwise). What is lacking in me that I witnessed an accident on the side of the road? Am I a reckless driver and need to slow down or perhaps that would be an inspiration to join Hatzolah? Another person's judicial nightmare makes me want to be easier on my ex and avoid court as much as possible.

A good friend of mine purchased a business a few years ago and recently I found out that it was not only failing but he max-ed out his credit cards and couldn't even make this months rent. Tears were welling up in his eyes as he talked to me especially when he described how his wife broke down in tears when she found out their savings were lost. All the money they could have used for their kids college fund or for family vacations gone up in smoke. What doesn't kill you makes you stronger he quoted, 'but this will kill me,' he concluded. He couldn't look me in the eye when he described how the loss of the business made him feel like a failure, a failure as a man, the breadwinner, the one responsible for the security of his family. If I had anything of my own to give, I would have. I briefly considered letting him use my credit card but I'm already 10's of thousands on credit. I just listened instead and watched him leave, a broken man.

I recently watched Astronaut Farmer about a man determined to go into space against all odds. He stood up to the government, ridicule, and risked his families farm and all their savings for his dream. I half wanted it to be a realistic ending and a depressing failure. Well life ain't like the movies folks. Sometimes 'You got to know when to hold 'em, know when to fold 'em, know when to walk away and know when to run.'-(Kenny Rogers) But when a person has a vested interest, walking away with a moderate loss is painful to the point where he convinces himself that he can turn it even at the risk of devastating loss. But more than that, the emotional investment has been substantial, he hadn't had a good night sleep in months. He needs to be set free and with time, forgive himself for life beyond his control. He has an amazing talented, musical family, the kind of family you see in shows from the 50's and 60's. I hope he can climb out of his hole and rebuild his blessed life.

And now I thank God for all he has given me. My perspective while viewing on-high is that my situation is far better than many others and certainly not worth bitching about.

Damn it.

The Code

Apparently there exists a CODE, immutable and inviolable. The penalty for its transgression is ostracism, scorn, and perhaps a black eye. The code to which I refer is, 'Thou shall not covet thy best friends EX-girlfriend'. It is of this I write today and let the pieces fall where they may.

What an awkward situation. Over the past few weeks my Bud had detailed to me the troubles in his relationship and how his woman, Cassi, has been at odds with him, pushing for a different level of interaction than he believed he was already providing. She finally ended their few-month relationship.

A VERY short time later I asked her to join me at a club just to get out and have some fun. I had no intentions for anything more, nor did she. We talked extensively about many areas of common interests. As the night progressed and the music held sway, our eyes locked. Unexpected and unintentional though it was, it was, nonetheless, captivating.

Now what? How do I break it to Bud? Obviously he would have liked to continue with Cassi but she didn't feel they were meant for each other (and he didn't seem too upset about it). And what of the Code??? I thought for about a week and could not think of any gentle way to tell him without hurting his feelings but, of course, within a week he found out anyway. He was PISSED to say the least and told me we couldn't be friends if I act this way.

What could I do? Give up a decade of friendship? Risk losing a life partner or was she just another passing fancy? Not an easy call.

So I went to Cassi's house that evening and told her the timing was wrong and a long-term relationship with the intent on merging our families impossible. I couldn't believe that she started to cry, which was odd because we went out twice over the span of only one week. I felt horrible that she became so attached and I know if I had gone out with her a while longer I would have as well. Then I patched things up with Bud but in the end there were no winners here. Cassi won't speak to me or Bud, Bud's feelings trampled, I lost a girlfriend, friends of friends somehow got dragged into things and others don't speak with each other anymore. YIKES, with great power comes great responsibility!

Some unresolved thoughts on the matter revolve around considering a buddy's feeling but at the same time recognizing that he is no longer a contender for a relationship with this woman. Why is it OK for another man to ask her out and have a chance at love but by virtue of my friendship, I am penalized? Does any person have the right to dictate to another who they can or can not date? Obviously, if he was still courting her, pining away for her, or their situation not clearly delineated to the point where it was clear that at least one party was not interested, then of course, no one would sanction a cock-block. But once it is clear that the relationship is over, anyone should be free to date her.

If the situation was reversed and I was put out to pasture, I would obviously mourn my lost opportunity but I would not begrudge him the right to find happiness. Yes, it would hurt but better a good friend of mine than some dumb loser. I would have put aside my petty jealousy or insecurity for his happiness.

Post divorce, with children, increasing in years, limits the pool of datable women. Invariably, we are going to overlap in this area. Further limiting that pool based on some code is ridiculous. Does dating someone somehow confer the right to have ANY say in her future relations or mine, for that matter? To some it does. I don't necessarily agree and every situation must be evaluated on its own merit. What if that fateful evening occurred 2 months, 6 months, one year later? Does that change the rules? How long is acceptable time to wait before asking out a buddy's ex-girlfriend? Is there anytime? Should one have to ask permission? What about here, where it just happened and wasn't even planned? What about if the same thing occurred 6 months or a year henceforth? Would it make a difference if they were going out for a long time? If he had been in love with her? If he had mentioned that he intended to win her back?

I know I'm playing with fire expressing these thoughts so I caution you all to please, remember, during this holiday season, to put the EX back in Xmas.

Check out a great set of articles (17+) at the Nondating Life blog about dating.

Singles Comingle

A single guy moved into our neighborhood and put into action a plan that had been spoken of for years but never realized. Why not have all the singles get together on Shabbat afternoon and develop a strong support system? Brilliant, but who was going to organize it? No one, that is, until he came along. There have been a few gatherings so far but I have been so busy with my kids that I felt I couldn’t get away. In reality, I had no excuse because the invitation clearly stated children are welcome so as to encourage full participation. So, when my niece popped over in the afternoon, I politely begged her to watch the kids for an hour while I indulge myself in the guilty pleasure of adult socialization. I decided not to bring the children because I would end up being the babysitter and never get a chance to really connect with anyone. Everyone must have had the same idea or have had enough of their children because no one brought them!

As an aside, one of my buddies was there. His current girlfriend was horrified to hear that he would be attending a singles event. He explained that this was more of a support system than a meet-market. I happened to share his take on the reason for this group and figured that we could all share some stories from the trenches and maybe someone knows someone who know someone…But truth be told, in the back of my mind I was hoping to meet a someone special. Perhaps we all did. So I guess my buddy’s girlfriend has reason to feel insecure.

I found the crowd very pleasant and engaging and I do look forward to more gatherings.

I am currently reading a section of Mom’s House, Dad’s House by Isolina Ricci that has offered me some perspective on this new group and how to view the people there. Dr. Ricci points out that a mistake newly divorced people have when meeting others of the opposite sex is that they immediately evaluate them based on all the qualities that they would require in a mate. There obviously is a proper time for those analyses but it is important to expand your circle of friends and support systems. The qualities that can make a good friend are not as stringent as those for Mr. Right or Ms. Wonderful. Social relations need not be predicated solely upon the search for a new mate. There are things we need to do to increase our ‘personal income’; things that satisfy our emotional needs so that we can in turn be better givers to our children and others. I have neglected this area for too long; played the martyr and have succeeded only in draining myself as well as my patience. I need to expand my circle or support and have some downtime to recharge my batteries.

Hey maybe this new group could offer a new perspective on life. And seeing a nice smile once in a while can go along way to brighten my spirits.

Kohl Dichvin

I was invited out for lunch this past Shabbat. I am sad to report that this was my yearly invite. This person is close with my family and thus I am close to him only by association. So I really don’t expect anything from him. In fact, I think it’s amazing that this person invites me at all. We discussed this and he opened up that a bit about himself. He said he had lost a child many years ago and found how quickly a person in need falls off the radar. When there is a birth or shiva, the community steps up to the plate and delivers. But if there is any extended crisis or need, fuhgetaboutit. He related stories of community members who experienced great suffering, amazingly more than he, and the response of the community progressively waned and even became hostile. For instance, he organized meals for a woman whose child became handicapped and needed 24/7 attention. He received responses like, “Can’t she just order out already?” One person said she would make a meal and didn’t even show up.

As a divorced man, I have experienced similar responses. I have many children who reside with me and I work 6 days a week. At first, girls came by for chesed hours, to lighten my load. Slowly, over time, I received less and less Shabbat/holiday invites. Perhaps my large family scares them, but it hadn’t before the divorce. Perhaps, I need to take the initiative and invite others first, although this is a major undertaking if you really knew my family dynamics. I imagine that I have fallen off the radar. It’s very hard to get everyone out for shul and I have drifted apart from my pre-divorce friends. But there are people who live on my block, who pass my house regularly, who I interacted with nicely before the divorce and now barely give a nod of acknowledgement let alone an offer for a meal for my kids. I’m not contagious (I think) and I don’t bite (hard).

I know everyone is focused on his or her own Daled Amot (personal space); I have been guilty of the same. But somewhere out there are people in need of a little support or a sense of belonging. I intend on taking this to heart and will take the first step with others. I hope others will in turn reach out and not forsake those in need.

Kohl dichvin yaysay veyaychol… “Whoever is hungry-let him come and eat! Whoever is needy- let him come and celebrate Pesach”

The Joys of Marriage

It doesn’t take very long for tension to build between two people living together. A coworker of mine wed a few months back. He was all smug and confident that his relationship would outshine his friends’ marriages and certainly those who got divorced. I gently warned him at the time that life has a big surprise waiting for him. I told him that all the jokes people make about their dissatisfied married lives are not really jokes but rather a form of venting frustration.

There is some biological drive that propels us forward in the face of all odds. At that time, the universe is in alignment and the gods show their countenance. So, bravely he entered into the pact, not once suspecting with whom that pact was really made.

As all first months go, it was joy, reveling in the newfound attention from well-wishers, enjoying a home cooked meal upon return from work. But the novelty soon wore off. The tension built. What seemed like minor issues that could easily be surmounted became Everest squared and then some.

The issue: Church and Estate.

His wife wanted him to move north, over the bridge to be closer to her parents. Currently he lives 10-minute drive from work in a nice condo. She also wants him to go to church every Sunday. Her church is the one up north by her parents. After services they always end up spending the rest of his day off at the in-laws.

He explained the added expense and inconvenience of commuting. He also tried negotiating by suggesting they go to church every third Sunday or every other Sunday. “NO, NO, NO,” she said its every Sunday or else.

Sure enough, he awoke the next morning to find she had packed her things and went to her parents. She remained there for a week and when she returned, her mother came back with her.

(...red flag, Klaxons blaring…)

I’m not clear if she was informed that parents are not included in the marriage contract. I also see a very selfish woman who thinks of herself before her spouse or her marriage. People make sacrifices for the sake of the greater cause i.e. the marriage. But there are things to sacrifice and there are ways to compromise. I think it quite childish to threaten divorce in order to enforce compliance. If this young man should capitulate now, then at every turn she will threaten to turn his life upside down, destroy all that they built, just to get her way. There are ways to negotiate. The sooner those methods are learned, the happier the relationship, and the less likely those skills will be needed in a court of law.