Adar Happiness

"It's the most wonderful time of the year..." I hear this song in my mind as I read all the joyous well wishes being exchanged. Yes, it's Adar-time with no adder snakes to spoil the fun. So what is it about Adar that makes people happy? Are they reacting to longer daylight hours, giving them a ray of hope that spring is on its way and their seasonal affective disorder can be boxed until next winter? I know it isn't the impending drink-a-thon sponsored by AA rebels. Is it that they get to dress up in their fantasy outfits on Purim and go adarrly crazy? (<--my favorite). Do they recognize that they will shortly celebrate the only Jewish holiday that let's us really have fun and enjoy ourselves? Maybe some people need state-sponsored levity. They need to be TOLD it is time to be happy, so that they can lower their protective, insulatory shield and allow themselves to be uninhibited (or perhaps slightly less so). It's a little weird to be told that it's time to be happy. Can't we just have one extra fast day or deprive ourselves of chocolate leben? This unusual happiness feels un-Jewish and is certainly antithetical to all the OCD control of our lives the rest of the year.

So now you know, it's Adar. What is really making you happy?
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Default Settings

Default settings. We all have them. Occasionally life allows us to deviate from them. We can ride the high of a new career or the low of a divorce but sooner or later we return to our natural selves. Hence DEFAULT setting. It's not our fault, you know.

Here's a mirror. Go take a good honest look at yourself. Ignore the fact that I'm staring too. You know you look nice so let's get past that. What do you notice about yourself when you have the chance to see yourself as others perceive you? Can you identify who you really are?

There is just a little problem here; one that requires not a leading psychologist but rather a good author to identify. In Michael Crichton's book, Prey, in the midst of all the action, there is a 2 page digression that held a fascinating insight into self-reflection. "There's one problem with all psychological knowledge-nobody can apply it to themselves. People can be incredibly astute about the shortcomings of their friends, spouses, children. But they have no insight into themselves at all...Psychological knowledge doesn't work if you look in a mirror." He then compares this to a computer procedure called recursion which causes the computer program to loop back on itself. Sometimes the computer gets lost in a infinite regress and is stuck there like "those fun-house mirrors that reflect mirrors, and mirrors, even smaller and smaller, stretching away to infinity...something similar must happen when people turn their psychological insight-apparatus on themselves. The brain hangs. The thought process goes and goes, but it doesn't get anywhere. It must be something like that, because we know that people can think about themselves indefinitely. Some people think of little else. Yet people never seem to change as a result of their intense introspection. They never understand themselves better. It's very rare to find genuine self-knowledge."

So at the risk of many more years of bad luck (if you really believe being single is so bad), let's shatter those mirrors and consider the 'crisis' attitude, in general. A prevalent situation within the religious community is the singular mindset and focus on 'getting married.' It seems that some people exist just to get married. They are entirely incomplete without another person. They wake up unhappy because they're alone, they experience their sense of incompleteness regularly. Their default setting is unhappy. They have missed the point of life. Life is to be lived in the moment. There can be so much joy in the moment, even during the arduous journey that will eventually lead toward finding a partner. But to live in the gloom is indicative of an unhappy default setting. What happens when the goal of marriage is achieved? What will the next obsession be? How will this person live in that new here-and-now? Who are they? Do they know themselves? What is their essence, their core? Will they suddenly be bubbly, laugh a lot, project happiness? I fear not. They will eventually come down off the high of wedding bells and return to default unhappiness. Maybe the new unhappiness will focus on disappointment in their partner, maybe on the troubles of life, who know? But the default setting is where they will be.

People have to solve their own problems and discover who they are before they attempt merging with another life-form. Then they can bring a happy complement to the table when approaching a prospective mate. Someone who expects others to solve their problems will ultimately be disappointed and perhaps even unfairly blame the spouse for not helping them achieve that goal.

Again, the problem is the incorrect assumption that marriage is the GOAL. Marriage is only a means to develop and grow spiritually and physically with your soul-mate. It is but an indication of commitment to make this journey together. It is a natural outgrowth of a healthy bond that develops when two people find love in each other. But when marriage is THE GOAL, people lose sight of what marriage is all about and meant to be. Marriage should lead to a journey of sharing & growth. Instead of getting all depressed about not being married (which is a turn off by the way), be determined to keep seeking out your soul-mate. It's a process that can be frustrating but we have the capacity to choose our ATTITUDE towards life even if we can't change what life sends our way. During this journey we need to learn how to relate, how to listen, how to consider others needs without hurting our own. Couples should have Mutual interests, common goals, similar religious level, the commitment to work hard, and most importantly mutual respect. Without respect disaster looms. It's OK to disagree, argue your point of view but it's not OK to yell, act passive aggressively (and certainly not aggressively). You should never give up who you are while still being accepting of the other. You need to be a team, with each person giving the best part of themselves.

So get out there, have fun dating, pursue Your Wildest Dreams and fulfill your spirit. And, for God's sake, lighten up and be happy!
Drop the Moody Blues so that I'll only find happiness 'mirrored in your eyes.'
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Round The Cauldron

As a guy, I shouldn't be expected to know that challahs have nothing to do with cauldrons but I believe the connection here is more on the side of witchcraft and superstition.

"Looking for a group of 43 challah bakers to bake Erev Shabbos... in the zechus of a refuah shelama for..."

This is a common email I receive on the 5-Towns shul postings. I never quite understood the concept of baking challah or making a blessing that would somehow propitiate God to provide a speedy recovery. What is the connection? Why challah and not another act that has a bracha attached to it? How did they come up with 43? Wasn't it 40 last week? Are there controlled experiments to see which number of challah brachas are successful? Perhaps there should be a severity chart that correlates number of challahs to intensity of condition. What if the challahs fail to rise to the occasion? Is that essential? Should we bake a red string inside just in case?

Boyer, in Religion Explained, noted that most religious ritual is NOT logical. You swing the chicken 7x over your head and your grass will grow. No logical connection. The reason is that things that are unusual or unexpected tend to be better remembered and better transmitted. Hence the success of religions in embedding these memes in our mind and passing on many odd traditions.

So why do smart people continue believing these seemingly illogical things?
One reason that people associate a given segula with a particular act or time period is because someone once noticed a particular outcome actually occurred (coincidentally). Unfortunately, they have fallen in the trap of what is known as Confirmation Bias: Once you consider a hypothesis, you detect and recall confirming instances better than non-confirming. All the other times that these segulas failed are not registered with nearly the same intensity. Someone once got better after a bake-a-thon and a segula was born/baked.

I see this phenomenon at work. I noticed, as have all my coworkers, that anytime I am free but go to the fridge, try to prepare or eat food, a client comes in. I can be free for 6 hours until I touch food. This has happened so consistently that a legend has emerged from this. Yet, when I consciously try hard to imagine all the times I touch food, there are indeed times when no client magically appears. But the confirmation bias is so strong that it feels like fact.

I think people err as to the purpose of segulas (incl learning, praying, shmirat halashon, charity). These actions do not cause a direct result. God is not under our power nor is he obligated to respond in a defined, mechanical manner to our actions. Instead the purpose is to remind us that everything comes from God (incl. blessings, failures, successes, protection, marriage, children, health etc etc). These actions invoke in us a potential; a potential to recognize God in everything as well as act as a stimulus towards tikon of the individual and eventually tikun olam.

It is, of course, our hope that God deems us worthy of blessing but that is up to Him.

NJG coined a few great terms. He, at first, called this "vending machine" Judaism where you press a button (do action A) and get your candy (receive what you want from God). Then he called it "slot-machine" Judaism because you can put the lever but often you don't get what you would like. Instead, he pointed out that "the 'segulah' is for the person to stop and contemplate. Like all prayer, which God doesn't "need", the purpose is to narrow your focus, and work on YOURSELF." There is great power in prayer. In The Brother’s Karamazov, Dostoyevsky writes ‘Every time you pray…there will be new feeling and new meaning in it… and you will understand that prayer is an education.’

I do believe that the human mind needs the reassurance that it is not insignificant and powerless in an uncertain world. "[E]mbracing rationality while denying the existence of any mystery to life and its meaning-that is no less a form of madness than eager devotion to unreason." -Odd Thomas in Forever Odd by Dean Koontz. The power of the segulas can also lie within its ability to mollify the frightened spirit, lest it sink into depression and despair. People need to believe. Sometimes having faith (even misguided) allows the person to accept the challenges of life with greater resolve and handle the pain in an equally efficacious manner.

The danger is that, on the flip side, believing in a power that fails you, may lead you to abandon everything. Damned if you do, damned if you don't but at least you get to eat fresh challah.
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Hyperactive Dating Disorder

HDD. Hyperactive Dating Disorder. Look it up. You'll find it in the textbook of life. (Now read that again as Rod Serling would).

NJG and I were discussing the singles event that we recently attended. He made an interesting observation about a severe disadvantage to the method of dating that is prevalent in the religious community. It's a numbers game and people feel their number must come up ASAP. There is the pressure of time, or biological clock, community and family pressure, as well as frustration that things take so long. To expedite the process and take in a representative sampling, they become serial daters. Many date in parallel as well as in sequence. How they can keep track of multiple partners is beyond me although the idea of multiples is intriguing...

The OCD behavior reinforces itself and an HDD develops. Often by the third date, a decision is made to continue seriously or move on. And so for the most part, it's on to the next victim. An HDD individual experiences only one brief snapshot of a person before bolting to the next snapfish in the sea. There isn't the lengthy time necessary to really explore a prospective's personality, watch how a relationship develops and evolves, or experience the ups and downs of their respective life experiences. Most importantly, Mr. (or Mrs.) HDD has lost the opportunity to look back on this would be, complex interaction and view it as a learning process. He could have then taken the sum of all the knowledge gleaned regarding those intricate facets of life and intergender (species?) relationships and apply those pearls of wisdom to the next relationship and so forth. Thus after successive relationships, emotional maturity, better insight into his own needs as well as his partners, he could have developed a greater sense of how to better succeed in the next set of circumstances. But the HDD sufferer does not allow for such in-depth growth. Instead, his illness restricts and forces him to remain singularly focused on his own reality and himself rather than getting close to another human being.

HDD. An experience of a frenzied mind searching from body to body, making only a brief stop here in the ...... Dating Zone!
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Number one reason for divorce is:

MARRIAGE!!!
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Pre-Purim Dating Shpiel

Nice Jewish Guy's ex had a saying that four seasons of dating were required before the words engagement/marriage could be uttered. I always promised myself that I would wait a year before I considered marriage. I didn't take my own advice and really screwed things up between me and Tali. It was close to Purim time when I first met Tali. I should have paid closer attention to the Megilah rather than stroking my groger. How many times have I heard, but never really appreciated the brilliance of the part where King Achashverosh had the women in his harem cared for and observed over the course of a year before they were brought to him. He was no fool, as we have been led to believe. He found out how their mood shifted monthly or if they had winter seasonal affective disorder. Did missing their mom cause a bought of bulimia? Were they caddy, petty, materialistic, and could they acquire beauty skills so sorely lacking in many old-world girls? It was only after proper research, over the course of the reasonable time of a year, did he then consider them worthy of joining with him. People can hide personality defects (Lord knows I try), quirks, bad habits, addictions, and other anomalies for only so long. Time is the great equalizer such that strategic information will ultimately make itself known. So my advice to you, and certainly to me, is wait patiently, watch closely, build intimacy, really get to know your partner before you dare make it official and allow the government (and many other relatives) to have a say in your life.

Avoid chairem and start your harem early.
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Religious Dating

A rabbi! Who would have thought. I recently went on a date with a real rabbi. For those who don't know me, I am not female (no surgeries scheduled either). For all you homophobes, the rabbi I speak of is FEMALE. She is a conservative rabbi and gosh darn it, cute as can be. We had such interesting conversations on evolution, religion, dating, our hopes and dreams. It was serious yet playful at the same time. I thought she would be an outspoken women's rights bra-burning type but instead found that she just came from a long line of rabbis and wanted to continue the family tradition. Her passion was for the spirituality that all of us could achieve. I actually was able to envision potential here. Alas, she had two concerns. The first, a minor, probably erroneous one was that I am to religious for her (I'm not). The second more damning is that I come with a prefab family and she has never been married and wants to start her own personal congregation.

In keeping with the post prior to this one, I seem to evaluate all the potentials of relationships and I was very clear to Reb Bruria concerning my dating philosophy. I assured her she falls within my parameters. She, on the other, had did not feel the same way. Here is her amputatory email:

"It's official... you're TOTALLY charming. AND, you've helped me clarify a lot of things in my life. I need to get clearer about what I'm looking for, and I know I wouldn't be able to join your "pre-fab" family, as you've said, with all that it comes with... it's a bummer, but I'm grateful to you for helping me get clear. I know that if I spent a little bit more time with you, I'd be likely to spend a LOT more time with you, and I don't think that ultimately, that would make either of us happy. Thanks for forcing me to get honest."

So you see, we must follow our gut, know what's right for us. In the end, I will find the right one and so will she. At least I get to say I dated a rabbi! The beard was a bit of a turn off, though.
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Bashert

Bashert. It's a difficult concept to wrap my finger around (or should I say, wrap around her finger). We have all, at some point in our lives, let our mind dwell on our perfect soul-mate. Yep, that one. The one God has created solely (soul-ly) for us. The one some bas-kol calls out from the womb that so-and-so is destined to join with what's-her-face. The concept of bashert can be intoxicating perhaps even addicting. It may even be counterproductive. The bashert WE envision in our minds eye is the standard to which we hold every perspective candidate that applies via on-line, singles mixers or even through eye contact on the Q-train (should be renamed Q-ute train). Even after marriage, divorce, serious relationships, I still believe there is my direct complement waiting for me to compliment her and get the balls-a-rollin'. My bud fears for such a world where there may be two like me and so do I. But dream and wish I do, maybe even to say 'I do" just like you do too. (untwist tongue here).

But how can it be that there is this one person right for me when I have really fallen in love multiple times over the course of my life and at the time, that one was right for me? Ms. Right Now. I guess ultimately we can only make that determination through hindsight. Yes, people say I have acted like, and look like, an ass but I refuse to be the butt of their jokes. I tend to think that we make our own destiny through our own choices, making them, hopefully, by considering all the information we have at hand. Being honest with ourselves with what we can handle, if we can be fulfilled, are we in love or just in love with the concept of being in love. I used to believe that love conquered all. I think it has tremendous powers to overcome many obstacles but not necessarily everything. I'm just being honest with what I can handle just as others have done when considering my large family or limited resources. It can only get worse by denying my needs, desires, & rich fantasy life (whoops, did I say that out loud?). I will come to regret my choice, come to resent my partner, and passive aggressive may turn into another failed relationship.

So now, I'm dating from the other extreme. Hypersensitive to every nuance, telescoping the whole relationship such that I play out all the variables that I can envision without actually letting life play itself out. I haven't given at least two women a fair chance based on that nervous cut n run reaction. Sometimes you have to take the chance, the chance to really get hurt, to really end up hurting someone for the opportunity to maybe, just maybe, win the gold and give the gold. I keep second guessing myself. I see the red flags, I hear my gut calling out and it ain't for chow. So do I ignore and get burnt later? Do I play it out and up the ante, only to watch my castle in the sky crumble? Fission is so much easier than fusion. In the end, it probably has to be a balance between the two extremes, acknowledging the risks and handling each development as honestly and gently as possible.

Gotta run....
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Password Protected Photos

Mars and Venus all over again. I wonder what on earth women are thinking by password protecting their photo or not putting a photo at all. "Oh, I believe that a relationship isn't about looks...he should get to know me first to see if he likes me..." Translation to men, "I'm ugly but maybe I can sucker you in to wasting time and effort." Now truth be told, I understand, as do many men, that a relationship is more than just based on looks. There should be like-minded goals, compatible personalities and religious levels etc. But all you women have absolutely no concept of the male gender when you withhold basic elements like appearance. If a woman's looks fall nowhere within the parameters of my attraction, even if everything else is right, it ain't gonna work. I need to know I can wake up to that face and smile. You may find me outside your parameters and that's totally ok by me because I know there are others who are into the way I look (for a modest fee, of course). Men are very visual and we need to be attracted to our mates (and so do women so stop kidding your self). Any man who denies this is an evolutionary anomaly, liar, or been pussywhipped enough to say what you want to hear.

So you still insist that maybe your psycho ex is out there and you don't want him to see you. If you're so afraid that you feel you can't date safely maybe I don't want to take a chance that this guy will interrupt our date and kill us. As for general privacy, hellloooo, your dating, you need to meet people who don't know you. Anyway, people know your not married, should they be surprised that your on a dating site? What are you really hiding?

It is interesting that your modesty doesn't extend to facebook where everyone connects with everyone else. Even though you have privacy setting, Yanki is your friend. He in turn has Mo and Larry over who proceed to check you out through your legitimate contact anyway.

Tali had the brilliant idea for a gemach for shidduch photos. This would be a great service to all the men and women who must have better photos than the massacres they choose. Also make sure it is big enough and clear enough that we can get an accurate idea of what you look like. I don't care about the pet or the boat in the background, I want to see and hopefully get to know, you! And remember you are human and the mating game can't ignore looks. Sooner or later you gotta come clean and show me what you look like. So stop wasting everyone's time and put up your picture.

[Photo Deleted by Editor]
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Amputation

Breaking up. It's never easy. We've all experienced rejection in some form or another. Can't recall it ever being pleasant. During high school, I had a crush on a sweet girl. I told her how I felt in a love letter. She was kind enough to put me out to pasture as gently as she could but needless to say it hurt. I have had the pleasure of being rejected a few times but I have also assumed the role of the ejector. And sometimes I had to really break her heart. Sometimes, I have been able to do it as gently as possible but for one stalker I had to be outright nasty. The worst, of course, has been the Tali-go. Her dear friend Eve called it an 'amputation.' One minute everything was intact and whole. Life was complete and satisfying and then without warning I amputated her from my life, leaving her devastated and broken. I know she is strong and she will find true love with someone better for her, someone who will accept the whole package. I don't expect forgiveness but I did what I had to do, just like a surgeon who must remove a limb for the greater good. Doesn't mean it was fun to do or that it hurts any less or that there wasn't a permanent scar. I must describe this break up as a complete amputation, permanent, no looking back, total radio silence by both parties.

Recently, I had the privilege of meeting another wonderful lady on Frumster. We were extremely comfortable with each other and felt connected immediately. Unfortunately, there was an area where I recognized a potential for a major problem and I nipped it in the bud. I discussed my concerns, my risk assessment that continuing to get deeper involved would just hurt that much more later. If you have been following the Tali fiasco and read the comments, Eve basically rebuked me and warned me never to let this happen again. So I listened and amputated early before it would be too devastating. She was heartbroken but sensible and understood the issues. Even though she claimed we could rise above it, my analysis was that it would only come back to haunt us. Yet since this was done early, Sari, wanted to remain friends. "We really get each other and have fun together," she said. I warned her that I have played that role that she was undertaking and that when one party secretly wants the other more, it is a recipe for disaster and real heartbreak. Sari said she understood the risks. We speak and IM daily, she tells me of her dates and I tell her of mine. Once in awhile she starts to revisit the issue and I tell her not to go there because I'm not looking back, that isn't what this friendship is about and she's just setting herself up for pain. We'll see just how foolish this experiment is. I hope my prediction is wrong.

I call this relationship with Sari a partial amputation with retention of feelings of a ghost limb. Feeling lingers, emerges from time to time, the separation isn't complete. Which is worse, partial or full amputation? I don't know. Maybe a lot has to do with how it was carried out, the nature of the relationship at the time of surgery, and the emotional state of the parties involved. Let's face it folks, it sucks to be rejected, it sucks to have to hurt someones feelings, and it sucks to have to live with all the painful emotions that linger (for both sides). But hey, love is a battlefield says Pat Benatar and the risks are scarring and loss but all in hope of ultimate glory. I truly believe that we shall all find the right person for us as long as we are honest with ourselves about what we are looking for, what we need, whether those needs are being met, could we make things work, and could we handle all the baggage that has been piling up. See it's that simple.

And yet I'm still haunted.

Another night and my subconscious came out to play. I really enjoy the way it veils its message in obscure and odd manifestation. But alas it didn't. I dreamt that I made a mistake and the woman I was with was just some secondary maidservant and when I saw Tali I was so excited that it was her and we were finally able to be together.

I wonder how much of this is interfering with my current dating. I met a few really amazing women and in my mind I played out the entire relationship within the first date or after only a few. Each time, I bolted because I was worried I would end up hurting them like I did with Tali. Maybe I'd better take a breather for a while and let my subconscious sort this out.