No Fault Relationships

Fault. We tend to find it in others and if you date long enough, or perhaps even just a tad, others will find it in you. Each gender has its own propensity towards fault finding. Women are exceptional in identifying character flaws, faulty actions or words expressed with no forethought (I got that skill down pat). Men gravitate towards finding fault in a woman's appearance. It's all in how they view their prospective mate through cultural and self imposed lenses. Too short, too tall, wrong eye color, etc is enough to sink his battleship. Come to think of it, we are all influenced by those self-same cultural and psychological lenses.

Let's face it, many relationships don't last because of faults found in our partner, whether it be physical, emotional, situational, religious level, character traits, and just about anything you can think of. But imagine a state like NY, which is a no-fault state. It doesn't matter who wronged whom or that one party might be more at fault than the other. It's no ones fault, so settle your differences, kiss and make up. Life is good. Imagine the same of our relationships. A no-fault relationship would truly be nirvana.

Just don't blame me if you can't find it, it's not my fault!

Fasting

So what do you think about all day when you fast? Do you inspect the errors of your ways and plan to modify your behavior? Or do you do what everyone else did yesterday on facebook..."I'm hungery...headaaachhhhe...one hour to go..." or bake all day in anticipation of the end of the fast?

Instead of elevating the mind to contemplate God or the meaning of historical tragedies, in the end, pushing the body to such levels of deprivation, focuses us almost entirely on our body and its needs. Food and drink become the holy grail, the new messiah that we anxiously anticipate.
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Tisha B'av Excellent Adventure

For only $19.95 you too can have a temple to the Lord!..

As I sat on my floor, legs akimbo, my mind contemplated the great words of our sages Wayne & Garth (ty shoshana), "We're not worthy, we're not worthy..." I reflected on the human tragedy depicted in Eichah, on our national calamity and loss of our temple. I considered if I felt we, as a people, deserved to have our temple rebuilt (as if I had any right to pass judgment at all). I considered the recent chilum Hashem publicized in the press. I compared the shortcomings of our ancestors, whose errant ways led to constant castigation by our prophets and eventually to the fall of our temple and exile from our land. "There is nothing new under the sun," says Ecclesiastes. And indeed there is nothing new in human nature. Our past only vaguely serves to warn us of the dangers of our unwitting actions. Denial allows us to wander in a blissful haze and we feel broadsided when life and reality hits us over the head. We don't properly consider the implications and impact of our actions. "No one will catch us, who will it hurt?" we rationalize to ourselves. But our actions have universal implications, far beyond the individual, the family, the nation. Religion directs us to grow spiritually, to evolve beyond the limitations that nature imposes on our physical and cognitive being.

My hydration deprived brain began to sway back and forth regarding rebuilding the temple. As I considered my very own thoughts, that our nature and tendencies have not been perfected and that we have not corrected the errors of the past, I wondered if that was really a criteria for having a temple. The second temple's building was not contingent upon it. Maybe its building would aid in strengthening our religious identification. Then again who could really identify with worship through sacrifices, in this day and age.

My stomach growled as I accepted that there won't be any building of a temple soon. I lamented the tragedies of the past, lessons unlearned, warnings unheeded. I lamented that as a species with the greatest potential, we have so far to go to become truly good. For these I mourn.

Im EshKachaych Yerushalayim TishKach Yeminee
(I think I must have forgotten Mecca because my left wrist is messed up)

Hope Reclaimed

You know you couldn't get enough of matzah and indigestion, and apparently so did God, so here it is folks, Pesach Sheni. In Parshs BeHa'alotcha, Pesach Sheni was given for those who missed the opportunity to partake in the korban of the Passover holiday, which marks the foundation of our nation. Pesach Sheni teaches us that there ARE second chances in life, especially from God, who is more forgiving than any mortal. But even mortal matters may be repaired, redone. Don't think that just because we made a mistake, make a bad decision, bad choices, we are forever beholden to the ensuing destiny. We are NOT necessarily doomed.Today is the first day of the rest of our lives. Do with it what you really want done. Pesach sheni is a message of hope that we can alter our destiny and right the wrongs of our past, if we are brave enough to face it.
(Squeak, Squeak)
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I'm No Cardiologist

Read this post first.

There is no way to sugar coat it. No manner to make it more palatable, more acceptable. I broke our engagement and Tali's heart. It will never feel right even if I justify logically the need to separate. Since it is so fresh, so raw, I expect her friends to defend her vehemently and pour forth their righteous indignation. And they have. I deserve it; I accept their rebuke.

So how does one delicately tell the person he loves and wishes to spend every waking moment with, that there is no way to make it work. Compound it with a commitment of engagement with a ring and watch exchanged. Her friends deplore the fact that I just, out of the blue, amputated her from my life. Is there an easier way? Should we have had long tearful, gut wrenching discussions for weeks on end, only for me to come to the same realization, that I can't make this merger work. I know she tried her best and was succeeding (as far as I know). I gave it my all and I failed. The past many months have had the specifics addressed and all the techniques that we could think of were put out forth. There was only one major discussion on the matter a few months ago and more specific minor discussions as to how to handle the problem as each incident arouse.

I guess she and her friends are mortified by the fact that she was unaware of my feelings. I should never have proposed if I had made peace with the issue. (I thought I had). The reality is that I was trying to make those feelings disappear and if they vanished from my mind, everything would be OK. But once I started realizing that it can't be ignored, it was already too late and the merger untenable.

I even seriously considered marrying her and living in separate homes but she wouldn't hear of it. Yeah and it is kinda weird. I saw a psychologist to give me insights into child behavior. I read books about transforming the difficult child and family dynamics. I tried having the kids interact often and in the end I just felt like I was losing my mind from them as is clear from the previous post.

So, again I ask you how do you end it? I told her simply the facts, that I tried, I thought I could do it but I can't. I love her dearly but it's not going to work. Was I supposed to put my arms around her while I dropped the bomb? Was I supposed to start acting distant, then pick or look for fights, then escalate over time so that when it finally comes she would say, "Good riddance he's an ass for the way he treats me."?

Believe me if I felt there was any more answers to make this work, I would jump on it in a second. But there isn't. She told me in August, "If it's right, you make it work." She told me to speak to the psychologist, to read the books. Living separately was not an option nor was waiting many years to see if the kids grow out of their behavioral issues. I thought I was OK but I wasn't. I thought the kids were getting more manageable but they weren't. Love blinded me and I wanted to be blind just to have Tali. But my insides were torn apart by my inability to find resolution. From all our discussions over the past few months, there was nothing new to add, only perhaps guilt that plans were made, that we were going to town hall in a week to let the government once again interfere with our lives. There was very little time left and I know ultimately my decision was right for me and my family, horrible for Tali, and maybe not so bad for her children.

So, I am curious to hear how you would have ended it; what marvelous techniques I failed to employ? It had to be done and there was no way to make it hurt less. I AM SORRY for all of us but most of all, for Tali.

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Experiencing Sinai

Rabbi Wolfe from Isralight was an amazing addition to the Saw You At Sinai back to camp Labor Day weekend. Aside from good humor, good nature and personable character, he had a seemingly endless supply of magical metaphors (and similes). It appeared to me that he was able to grap the essence of experience of the Divine. Simple ideas made connection to God and even practice of religion not only palatable but desirable.

For example, he described sheet-music. When you look at it, what you see is cold, very mathematical, complicated, calculated, and unfeeling. But when you play it, the music comes alive, your body moves in tandem to the beat, your spirit soars. So too with Halachah. He didn't claim that it was the only mechanism but it is the mechanism which we have successfully used over thousands of years to experience God. Halachah is very technical and cold but when you live it, it is transformed and it transforms you. It directs you on a mission to be a light unto the nation and achieve tikkun olam.

He also described halachah as a window. We spend time cleaning our window, people compete to say my window is better and shinier than others but they fail to realize that the window is just the means to go beyond. The purpose is to see the view and that view is God. People get lost in their window never using it to its proper end.

It was a spiritually satisfying and physically rewarding weekend. I have to rate Sinai as THEEE best shabbaton I have ever been on. They (all 3 back to camp weekends) have never failed me. One caveat. This weekend was a liberal/conservadox weekend. It wasn't the uptight machmir Nachamu. I hear that nachamu was stiff and awkward, less feeling. They didn't want to sing havdalah (so I heard). We had such an emotional havdalah with guitar and singing and dancing. Poor Nachamu machmirites lost in their own rigid window never allowing themselves to glimpse the essence and experience of God. How sad for them.

Just remember life is full of sheet-music.
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Post Rabbinic Post

OK, so you graduated college and you think you'll never be bothered by another boring lecture. But there I go and shatter your illusions. You may kick my post-erior later. My-bad (I can't believe I just wrote that). I wrote a clearly dry and academic post chock full of important historical facts presented in a manner that will rival your best insomniac-curing professor. He knows his stuff but No-Doz, Red Bull, and an IV caffeine drip can't help you focus. And still you complain?!? I long for the days of that foggy glazed-look daze.

When I write a post like that I really am taking notes for myself, summarizing the major points of concern so that one day I can look back and get the whole gestalt without the fluff. Now I'm tempted to summarize that post so that your ADHD minds can get the point and move on.

So here goes. Torah ain't what you think. It's not a unified work and it has undergone major evolutionary/revisional changes over time. Judaism of first temple monarchy had different theology and concerns than second temple priestly rule. And varying and competing schools of thought merged or were rejected in a long process that leads us to what we practice today- a Judaism guided by the 'wise' interpretation of our ruling Rabbis (not priest and certainly not king).

The point was that evolution of religion was based on who was in power. Power as much as theology has determined the direction of our religion. And the winners get to tell their story.

So what do we do with this knowledge? Should this change anything we do? Well that's up to you. Some will reject religion as propaganda and a means of population control while others will accept that we are part of a long chain of good people searching for, but not always finding, the perfect unquestionable truth. And in what direction do we wish to see our religion heading? We were to be a light unto nations so should we move away from our insular nature and aim for more universal ideals? In the end we each have to find the best balance for ourselves.

For all you seekers out there, "Pilgrim, in your journey you may travel far, for pilgrim it's a long way to find out who you are..."- Enya.

Now I'm quoting Enya, kill me now!

Can You Dig It?

Last night I attended a biblical archaeology lecture at Queens College given by Dr. Ann Killebrew of Penn State. I won't bore you with the details of the lecture even though I love this stuff. Instead, I would like to note how refreshing her attitude was towards the Bible and religion. Some questions from the audience seemed bent on using the lack of archaeological finds for an exodus as proof the Bible was false. Others used archaeology to voice that early Israelite were really not monotheistic. The audience also had a strong modern orthodox representation who obviously were not prepared to accept the Bible as less than true regardless of archaeological evidence.

Dr. Killebrew's response was so well tuned that I wondered if she shouldn't become a diplomat instead. She claimed that archaeology should serve to illuminate the Bible but not to serve as a means to prove or disprove the Bible. Within archaeology there is no clear cut consensus of interpretation of data. Certainly in areas of C-14 dating but also even in analyzing the statigrafy or the material find within its given context. Religion, she went on, is a matter of faith and a matter of how one chooses to view their role in the universe and how to conduct their lives. Why should her evaluation of someone else's garbage be the definitive word on how to serve God. Her work should only shed light on the development and evolution of a people who have since had a unique history and enduring tradition.

The Philistine's who were colonizers from Cyprus and Cilicia (she goes against most her colleagues who feel they were Aegean) existed side by side with the Israelites from the 12th century BCE until they were exiled along with the Israelites to Babylon. They disappeared in history but the Jews did not. Faith in God or the lessons of the Bible or the traditions of the Jewish people do not need the validation of archaeology. The unfortunate politicization of archaeology loses sight of this fact and causes more harm than good.

She feels that many archaeologist maintain their positions, dig in firmly, and are not open enough to new and changing evidence. She admits that her lecture today would be different 10 years from now because she won't let her ego get in the way of the most current evidence. An open mind is what we all need in archaeology and in all areas of our life.

Beyond A Doubt

-"Halacha course canceled due to lack of interest."

That was the shocking yet vaguely amusing announcement we heard over the PA. It was my Junior year in an orthodox day school in what is now a very frum community. Apparently some administrator took it upon himself to actually consider areas of student interest, or disinterest for that matter, even to the point of sidelining a hallmark of Jewish education. Obviously, it is imperative for a religious student to absorb the tenants of the faith or in the very least be aware of the rules which he is breaking. It's somehow more fun that way. But that year was to be robbed of its mischievous transgressions. If we didn't know the laws, we couldn't be guilty of violating them nor would we have the temptation to do so in the first place. Shlomo Auslander has a great related article (Hat tip:NJG).

But what is it about Halacha that seemed so useless to our school yet always served me well in cure of insomnia or as a coaster? For all of you who heard about halacha but never got to read from the text, the answer is this. It's just page after page of dry, boring facts that requires an equivalent of a law degree to become proficient. At the time, I just shrugged and said, "Great!"

But I have come to appreciate the significance behind that moment, even more so lately. I guess I had gotten used to years worth of technical educational manuals that I had forgotten what it was like to learn about life through the fictional escapades of others. Much more illuminating and better retained are the gleaned words of wisdom or useful insights from stories, in the context of an enjoyable parable rather than from dry lists.

I recently listened to the book-on-tape, The Salmon Of Doubt, compiled from Douglas Adam's writings. One 2-page story, entitled "Cookies," made a great impression upon me. Go to your library and read in the real book page 150-1 for the full flavor. Should you proceed here further, you can save a quarter on inter-library loan because I do reveal the punch line. In brief, he was sitting at a table waiting for a train with his package of cookies, coffee and a newspaper. Opposite him was a businessman who proceeded to open the package of cookies and eat one of the cookies! Douglas said nothing but ate the next of his cookies and then the man ate the following. Douglas was upset but didn't know how to deal with this affront. His tension was building as was his righteous indignation. When the package was finished the man walked off. He then looked under his paper and found his own sealed package of cookies beneath his paper. He had been eating the other man's cookies all along while that man quietly suffered the infraction!

Douglas had been so sure of his take on what was happening, considered rebuking the man, was horrified and yet resigned to refrain from confrontation. His reality during those moments seemed as clear to him as anything else he would bet his life on but one little itty bitty fact was missing and that changed the entire meaning and context of his exchange. Could there really exist another perspective?

My friend complained to me recently about the character of another friend's wife pointing to the fact that she never sent a thank you card to him for a wedding gift sent 10 years ago. First off, I was surprised he remembered who sent him thank you cards and that he could hold a grudge so long. Secondly, I told him Douglas' story and asked him to consider if his gift was lost in the mail, or her thank you card was lost as well. Perhaps, the husband had agreed to write it and failed to do so thus absolving the wife. I asked him to take a step back and consider there might be alternate realities than the one he felt so grounded in. It's a lesson that could be summed up in a book of facts as "Don't jump to conclusions or off cliffs for that matter" or "Things may not be as they seem on the surface unless you're actually on the surface" or "Don't judge a book by its cover unless its pornography" but in the absence a very telling context they are just neat sayings that are so passe. Instead, Douglas Adams succeeded in forever implanting his insight into my mind in a way no dry text could ever. So drop your textbooks and pass me a trashy novel.

Please feel free to share your own stories about some faux paxs based on the third person omniscient, "If our hero had only known..."