Face Lift

Come Running sent me a Daily Lift because it too follows in the theme of my mirroring posts.

Daily Lift #233
King Solomon’s Wise Formula

In the book of Proverbs (27:19), we find an amazing formula for peace. “As in water, face is to face, so too is the heart of one person to another.”

When you look at your reflection in a pond or in a mirror, you will see the exact same expression that is on your face. If you frown and scowl, you will see a frown and scowl staring right back at you. And if you smile and wave, you will see a smile and a wave. This is a natural law of physics. To frown and expect to see a smile on the image of your face in a mirror isn't a wise expectation.

King Solomon teaches us that this natural law has a counterpoint in the laws of human nature. The inner feelings you experience towards someone will be reflected back to you from the heart of that person.

See the good in other people. See them as being souls who have high aspirations even if at present they are not yet using all of their potential. See people as they will be when they are at their best. Judge people favorably. See the positive intentions of what they say and do even when it would be preferable if they chose better ways to accomplish those positive intentions.

The way to influence people to feel better towards you is to radiate unconditional love and respect towards them. When someone likes and respects you first, it's easier to reciprocate those feelings. It is a step towards greatness to be the one to create unconditional love and respect when you need to sustain this in the face of challenges. Be willing to take this step.

(from Rabbi Zelig Pliskin’s book, Harmony with Others, pp.32-3, artscroll.com)


This snippet can apply to understanding human-God relations as well. There is a famous pasuk where God says "If you leave me a day, I will leave you for two days (Im ta'azvaini yom, yo'mayim eh'ezveka)." Now that sounds rather harsh and spiteful. God is saying, "If you withdraw from me a day, HAH, I can do worse, I'll withdraw from you two-fold." I believe I heard this from R. Frand that this is an incorrect rendering of the deeper meaning behind the saying. God mirrors human behavior towards Him. If you come closer, he meets you halfway. If you withdraw in one direction, he too withdraws but in an equal and opposite, directly proportional direction.

See diagram for your basic geometry of our relationship with God. Center '0' is the point of ultimate oneness with God (obviously a theoretical point). You end up twice as far from God when you travel one unit (as he moves the same amount in the opposite direction). Your actions and attitudes directly impact on your relationship with the Divine as well as others in you life.

This reminded me of Rebbetzin Jungreis' lecture at SYAS Back to Camp Moshava weekend in 2005. She described all the sadness and heartbreak people have shared with her about their dating situation. The one thing she stressed to all of them was that they have every right to experience their own pain but what right do you have to make others experience it as well? She elaborated that you should always smile at people. If you are depressed by your situation and show it in your face, that affects MY mood. What have I done to deserve that negative aura? Obviously, it isn't easy to always show the world a happy face but it's certainly worth the effort. It may even start to affect your own mood in a positive manner.

Cue Mr. Rourke on Fantasy Island, "Smiles everybody, smiles."

Odd Dog Out

I read my first Dean Koontz book after a few disparate sources espoused his works. Well worth it and I look forward to more. What I like to do when reading fiction is glean words of wisdom or insights into human nature presented parenthetically. Tidbits of reality mixed with an engaging, albeit fictional, story makes for a more poignant message. (I have been saying this about the Bible but that is not the direction I'll be taking this). I first noticed my real appreciation for this method of reading when I began reading Michael Crichton even though sometimes the line between fact and fiction sometimes became blurred. In Crichton's book Prey (not my favorite), in the midst of all the action, there was a 2 page digression that held a fascinating insight into self-reflection. I guess I'm reminded of this because it follows somewhat along the lines of my last post.

"There's one problem with all psychological knowledge-nobody can apply it to themselves. People can be incredibly astute about the shortcomings of their friends, spouses, children. But they have no insight into themselves at all...Psychological knowledge doesn't work if you look in a mirror." He then compares this to a computer procedure called recursion which causes the computer program to loop back on itself. Sometimes the computer gets lost in a infinite regress and is stuck there like "those fun-house mirrors that reflect mirrors, and mirrors, even smaller and smaller, stretching away to infinity...something similar must happen when people turn their psychological insight-apparatus on themselves. The brain hangs. The thought process goes and goes, but it doesn't get anywhere. It must be something like that, because we know that people can think about themselves indefinitely. Some people think of little else. Yet people never seem to change as a result of their intense introspection. They never understand themselves better. It's very rare to find genuine self-knowledge." Nice.

In Brother Odd by Dean Koontz, Odd Thomas, as he is named, reflects on the nature of dogs. "All that is wanted is affection, while all that is offered is everything, symbolized in the defenseless posture of the exposed tummy.
Dogs invite us not only to share in their joy but also to live in the moment,...where the enchantment of the past and future cannot distract us, where a freedom from practical desire and a cessation of our ceaseless action allows us to recognize the truth of our existence, the reality of our world and purpose-if we dare."

It's funny where the circuits of the mind can take us sometimes. When I read this, I was taken back to some previous relationships I had been in. There were a few women, including my now ex, that I felt that I would do anything for them and all I asked in return was to be loved in return. I do not mean to imply that I consider myself or men in general to be dogs but far be it from me to restrict the path which your mind wanders. To these women, I exposed myself (cancel that image, please), I opened my soul, bore out my deepest secrets and desires. I thought women wanted a man to be open about his feelings and be able to share them. Well, that crock of crap I was fed growing up (by TV, other women, magazines, etc) was entirely baseless. Women want their man to be strong and once they see their man as having weakness and vulnerability it becomes an exploitable commodity. They need to respect their man so he needs to maintain his image and aura. As a friend, such levels of openness are OK but not safe for a monogamous relationship. One of the main things I have noticed among the married couples I have had lunch with on many Shabbatot is the lack of respect the wives afford their husbands (yes, it does go both ways but you can write your side on your own blog). There is something about these men that disappointed their wives and that disappointment manifests as subtle and sometimes not so subtle public degradation. "I don't get no respect". Rodney Dangerfield wouldn't be funny if it didn't ring true.

I watched an episode of BBC's Coupling where Sally wouldn't introduce her new boyfriend to her gal pals until "he's finished." A woman has all sorts of visions how she can mold her man only to be disillusioned later because he remains who he is. And what right does anyone have to change another person? If you love someone, love them for who they really are, flaws and all. But don't pay lip-service to the concept and throw it all out the window once the ring is on.

Women feel the need to be empowered, they want to be independent and make their own choices (and they should have every right to pursue success) but in the end they want a guy who will stand up and make the decision like about where to go out. They don't want to hear, "So where would you like to go for dinner?" Rather it should be "I'm thinking about 2 places A & B, do you have a preference?" Thus they feel empowered, part of the decision making but the man has laid out the options available. I was out with a bunch of female friends one night and we went to a party. We suspected it would be lame but I took my cue from the women, 'maybe we should try it, it can't be bad.' So we went in and it was a disaster. Later they told me not to be a buffoon and that they had hoped I would just stand up and say this would be lame, let's not even waste our time. Am I a mind reader? Apparently, I need to be to hang out with them. But what they were really saying was that they want the guy to take charge, protect them, make sure things work out. I can't tell you how many women have told me they are so turned on by a guy who takes charge. So while I believe in equal rights, I do believe that many women are deluding themselves into thinking that they don't have the same instinctual demands on their mates that they have had for thousands of years. As much as they say they want a sensitive man, the reality is they want a strong, take charge man. Women can go to their ladies groups for all the emoting they need. The male's role is different and he should not cross to the other side. They want an alpha male but in the end they settle for you and never let you forget it.

If you want a good laugh on the matter see Chris Rock on relationships on you tube.

Mirroring

I recently was introduced to the concept of MIRRORING as it relates to how individuals act in relations to people they meet. One particular element that struck me was that what makes some people more successful at their relationships and interactions is that they mirror their counterpart. To elaborate further, if I know you like canasta games and shuffleboard and found out that you even go to senior homes to seek out tournaments in those areas, I would unconsciously find myself interested in those areas, talk about it, offer to go play, and perhaps express a desire to improve my own skills. By doing this, you recognizes in me things that are not only familiar to you but also become excited that things that are meaningful to you are also meaningful to me. That makes me more attractive to you than someone who says, "Who the hell plays that shit?"

If I purposely sought out such information and used it with intent to deceive or lure, that would be unconscionable. But there are people that do this naturally and unwittingly. They really assume the qualities of the people they are with, with the side effect of rendering themselves more likable. I have met people like that and they are truly a sight to behold because, "gosh darn it, people like them."

I suspect that we all have some element of this in our personality unless we have Asperger's or Autism. It made me realize that I, too, fluctuate and vacillate between the various levels of my persona. Sometimes I find myself more religious amongst the more frum or suddenly appreciate art more so than I do normally whilst hanging with an art major. In honest reflection, I don't feel that I am out to deceive anyone or myself but that there are levels of appreciation I can achieve and differing aspects of my persona that I can bring to the forefront and still be me. In the past, I actually suppressed important aspects of my personality or desires to please the person I was with. I have since recognized that I still have to be me and true to myself but still have flexibility to broaden my world.

Though, I think I need to reflect on this a bit more.