The Power of Purse-uation

Have you ever wondered why women ask men to hold their purse when they enter the loo? Have you noticed how sheepish, downtrodden, and let's get right to the point, emasculated, a man looks when exposed to the public's scrutinizing eye under such circumstances?

To answer these and other enigmatic questions, we might well start from the following mystery: What do women do when there is no man to hold their purse? Contrary to what any man might imagine, they do not politely ask a stranger, security guard, or passing fellow to be a gent and hold their bag for a bit. What they do will surely surprise you. They take it in with them! But where do they put it, you ask? How do they store it? Surely not on the floor, which is way too unsanitary even without the errant spray of a man? Why, these lone mall-walkers close the door and use the already provided hook to hold their purse, coat, or leashed furry chihuahua!

So why subject a man to this abject torture and humiliation? Plain and simple...she is marking her territory, her man, to let any passing woman know that it's hands off. No oooh-ing, no pursuing and neither shall there be any straying on his part. Notice the shape of the purse. It looks like a lock. She has clamped down upon him and locked him up like a bicycle to a post. The message,"You're mine and you ain't goin' nowheres, baby! There shall be No riding around and certainly NO pursuing today!"

Dressed to Rappel

"Hi my name is Ryan!"

"And my name is Ty! We will be your guides on today's episode of Wilderness Walkway where you get to share our lives living on the edge...of the cliff and sanity! Look Ryan, the veils of morning hazes are parting as we speak, almost in a manner reminiscent of the fabled Red Sea parting."

"Yes, and here comes our first model. Notice his confident, Moses-like stride, as if it is his God-given right to mark this territory. And oh what a mark that would be! Look how well he is selling that outfit. Don't you feel like you just want to run out and buy one?"

"Well, Ryan. I don't think just anyone could get away with that look, it takes a strong personality, poise, confidence, and a great sense of laisse-faire to pull off that look. But my, wouldn't you just love to believe you could?"

"Indeed, Ty, I would. That outfit just screams, "Get out there into the wilderness, into the desert where our forefathers tread; out there, where time seems to stand still and the mystery of the universe is as dark as the coat he is wearing."

"God, Ryan, I wish I knew where you come up with this stuff."

"Ty, here's my shameless plug for Allie, the 'Shiksa with style.' She's my number one go-to for all that is fashion, and, by golly, isn't everything about fashion?"

"True but here this outfit is telling a story. It's the time-old story about conquering your yatzer hara (evil inclination, for all you devil wanna be's) and being prepared for anything. Just look closely at his outfit. Let's begin with the skullcap which keeps his head warm on a brisk fall day, allowing him to enjoy the rich vibrant colors of the fall foliage. It has a fine velvety surface for a pleasurable sensory experience, yet the inner layer is a synthetic design to wick away perspiration under the most extreme conditions.
"Notice his long black coat, definitely appropriate for the season and you really can never go wrong with a wide selection of black. This man has the two essential qualities you would want, style and practicality. Like his multifaceted mind, he has layers. His clothing layers allow him to add or subtract as the weather demands..."

"Er, Ty, have you ever seem him subtract any layers even in the summer?'

"Ryan, you are forgetting that temperature at elevation and in the wilderness can drop quite suddenly even in the summer. I think what you are seeing is a fully prepared wilderness wanderer. Think 40 years of wandering capability built into that outfit."

"I tell you, Ty, I've been thinking about all the great outfits we have seen so far this season here in the great outdoors but this one certainly is my favorite."

"Ryan, I'm not sure I agree with you, don't forget the innovative techno-socks, where our rappeller's socks were enclosed in what looked like regular plastic bags. Now that's ready to wear, easy to obtain from any household kitchen. And remember dry feet are the key to avoiding blisters, fungus and other maladies."

"All true but I consider that a 'fashion Fall-pax' and anyway that was just an accessory, this is the real deal. Have you compared the relationship between the mid-length beard and the mid-leg length of his trench coat? This coat is totally ready-to-wear! Did you recognize the aerodynamics to the break in the cuff of his pants? This man looks like he really enjoys what he is wearing! He is totally dressed to thrill!
"And who could forget the shoes, tough rugged leather, the right size heel and a no-slip tread that not only works on well-polished department store floors but would certainly put Timberland to shame? Notice his finesse doing the three step back, three step forward maneuver, reminiscent of the Shemona Esray prayer or the Penguin Shuffle as we backseat temple goers call it."

"Truly dressed to rappel, the only question remains, "Repel what?"

"Well, look how time has gotten away from us. So as the bunny once said, "That's all, folks!""

"Keep an eye out (not literally) for our next episode where our model discovers that money doesn't grow on trees..."

"This has been your host Ryan, and I am out!"

"It's about time, and til next time, I'm Ty!"

Leak in the Mikva

I knew something was not Kosher when I found myself actually turning the pages of Kashrus Magazine. I noticed an strikingly odd advertisement for a Jewish radio/TV personality. The full page ad touts, "More informative than a trip to the mikva." Now, I'm for all forms of informative radio even though I choose not listen but what exactly is the comparison? And how is the show that-extra-special-something that even mikva information couldn't provide? What on earth is informative about a mikva? Can anybody just show up at the mikva and the librarian-like mikva lady will whip out her card catalog and direct said person to the appropriate reference? Well, I've been trying to get an interview with the mikva lady to delve into those depths but with no success. Apparently things are well covered up even in the mikva.

Was this a feeble attempt at punning whereby 'knowing' a woman in a biblical sense is very intimate knowledge and his program offers intimate knowledge of the issues? Is he implying that he is exceptional at uncovering the issues? Feels like a stretch, even to a punster like me. To be frank, or whomever else you want me to be, it feels like quite an inappropriate use of language in a kosher magazine. I think his advertising agency will be all washed up after this one.

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