Shidduch Crisis
I was reading an interesting post here. According to the North American Shidduch Initiative, 'the Shidduch Crisis is caused by the large age gap between husbands and wives...So if the logic that there's an even number of guys and girls of each age holds water, then, yes, bridging the age gap would pair up more couples close in age, thereby having more people available to others.'
My comment was that I think this concept is WAY OFF. Age is not the issue. I know that I have been able to relate to woman of variable ages. It's the personality that matters. Sometimes, a woman my age but with dissimilar life experiences, can not relate to me but to someone a decade her senior.
The shidduch crisis is primarily a result of the lack of understanding between genders. It is fostered by segregation of the sexes such that the social skills necessary to relate and understand of the thought processes of the other are stunted.
It also stems from the unrealistic expectation that society and individuals place upon themselves and their mate whether it be financial success, body type, style of dress or level of religious observance.
You must look for the inner fine character and be wary of the external trappings. He may treat you nicely on a date but look how he treats the parking attendant or the waiter. Observation is key to finding out what you need to know. So is good communication. Without it you will never truly be able to relate to you partner.
People need to learn how to relate, how to listen, how to consider others needs without hurting their own. Couples should have Mutual interests, common goals, similar religious level, the commitment to work hard, and most importantly mutual respect. Without respect disaster looms. It's ok to disagree, argue your point of view but it's not ok to yell, act passive aggressively (and certainly not aggressively). You should never give up who you are but rather be accepted and be accepting of the other. You need to be a team and not selfish or childish. If college could require courses in gender understanding and relationships (and tax preparation, how to change your oil, simple home repairs), people would have a better shot at finding true happiness and managing a functional home life.
The problem, even with the concept of "shidduch crisis," is the incorrect assumption that marriage is the GOAL. Marriage is only a means to develop and grow spiritually and physically with your soul-mate. It is but an indication of commitment to make this journey together. But when marriage is THE GOAL, people lose sight of what marriage is all about and meant to be. Marriage should be a journey of sharing & growth. Instead of getting all depressed (which is a turn off by the way) about not being married, be determined to keep seeking out your complement. Good luck to us all.
In the background, I hear the famous soccer announcer yelling, GOOOOOALLLL!
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Labels: dating, marriage, psychology, relationships, Religious Journey, shidduch
posted by smoo @ 2:06 PM
5 comments
5 Comments:
Smoo, I'd add one observation to yours to complicate things.
Marriage does have the personal objectives you identify. There's a communal objective, too - without marriages, our community disappears. That's because we need marriage as an institution to advance the growth of children that carry our values to the coming generations. If we could do that without marriage, I'd wager that people wouldn't see marriage-the-institution as such a big deal, and indeed in Western Civilization, which has become confused about the values it carries over the last decades, has seen an epidemic of failed marriages and children born outside of marriage. Nothing appears on the horizon to change that trend.
This brings me to a point, which loops back to yours - what are our community's values, such that we need marriage to pass it on to children? Marriage's function as a context for personal growth has become a lost art, the same way that community's function as a context for personal growth has become a lost art. After all, "marriage" between two people is, in essence, a very small community - one that expands when children are born. The loyalties and relationships that occur within it when it's functioning well are similar to how good communities function.
Jews think they know what their values and their community and their marriages are supposed to be about, but they are obviously confused for all the reasons you identified, just to name a few (money, appearance, etc.). I'd go further and note that there are instances where two Jews marry each other today, have children, and NONE or few of our community's values are passed on, and the partners in the marriage don't use the marriage as a context for personal growth. Yet, nobody takes notice of that as a failure, as long as the partners don't get divorced. THAT'S the ikkar of the problem. Our religion is not based on performance standards (hashkafa), it's based on checklists (halacha). Ideally, it'd be based on both, since both have their role. But only the latter finds expression on the level of communal values.
My own opinion is that people consume marriage and community like they consume laundry soap, today - they are consumers and not shareholders, and it's easier to buy (marry) prepackaged "ideals" that the community's they buy into or the people they marry symbolize. It's simpler to do that than to work on building them, and it's from this consumeristic attitude prevalent in all western society (not just Jewish society) that is causing the shidduch crisis.
So, people keep waiting till somebody "developed" or some "developed" community come along - until then, they often "tread water" until they are well into their 40-s and 50-s rather than go out and build their vision.
Shai
Shai makes an interesting and essential point. We see emphasis being placed on items on a laundry list, items from like what school he went to, if he plans to learn and where, to if he wears a black hat or not and what kind of table cloth is used in his home.
However, I also think that there is tremendous pressure, especially in RW communities, to marry early and marry quickly. A girl who is 25 and yet unmarried is automatically on the B-list; after all, if she were A-list material, she'd be married, wouldn't she? And there is also pressure from the community and peers to decide quickly whether you're going to marry any given person; three dates or even 5 dates and it's fish or cut bait. There's no time to het to know a person, build a relationship, and gain insight into their characters. The divorce crisis and the shidduch crisis are opposite sides of the same coin.
>Age is not the issue.
Actuarilly speaking, it is. It has to do with birth rates and the issue is not limited to the Frum population. It is exaccerbated in the Frum community due to the high
"increasing" birth rates. Let's look at it from the Man's perspective. With an Increasing birth rate, marrying at the same age, is fine, there's one man for one woman. But if you marry younger than you, then with an increase in birth rate, means that there are more women available for each man. In a decreasing birth rate, i.e. in secular society, or even in Frum society during financial distress, if men marry younger then them, the women have the advantage.
Baal,
The crisis that everyone is talking about isn't caused by age or population birth rates. There are many single men and many single women out there but neither gender is able to find their mate. It is more than just a simple numbers game.
When I was engaged to my Ex,all I kept thinking was "let me get through the wedding and everything will be all right." I had no clue what marriage would entail and neither did my husband. I cringe when I think about this, but it's true: I was more worried about the wedding than I was about the marriage.
Stupid. Clueless.
What people don't realize is that dating has almost nothing to do with marriage. The stuff you look for in dating (charm, attraction, sense of humor, wit, personality) is virtually insignificant when it comes to the sorts of things that make up a good marriage (generosity, kindness, respect, hard work). I also had no clue about how to make our joint finances work, how to set mutual goals, and how to resolve differences. The "Shidduch Crisis" (I really hate that expression) is happening because so many people who are dating are completely clueless about marriage and aren't even aware that they are clueless.
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