Shidduch Crisis

I was reading an interesting post here. According to the North American Shidduch Initiative, 'the Shidduch Crisis is caused by the large age gap between husbands and wives...So if the logic that there's an even number of guys and girls of each age holds water, then, yes, bridging the age gap would pair up more couples close in age, thereby having more people available to others.'

My comment was that I think this concept is WAY OFF. Age is not the issue. I know that I have been able to relate to woman of variable ages. It's the personality that matters. Sometimes, a woman my age but with dissimilar life experiences, can not relate to me but to someone a decade her senior.

The shidduch crisis is primarily a result of the lack of understanding between genders. It is fostered by segregation of the sexes such that the social skills necessary to relate and understand of the thought processes of the other are stunted.

It also stems from the unrealistic expectation that society and individuals place upon themselves and their mate whether it be financial success, body type, style of dress or level of religious observance.

You must look for the inner fine character and be wary of the external trappings. He may treat you nicely on a date but look how he treats the parking attendant or the waiter. Observation is key to finding out what you need to know. So is good communication. Without it you will never truly be able to relate to you partner.

People need to learn how to relate, how to listen, how to consider others needs without hurting their own. Couples should have Mutual interests, common goals, similar religious level, the commitment to work hard, and most importantly mutual respect. Without respect disaster looms. It's ok to disagree, argue your point of view but it's not ok to yell, act passive aggressively (and certainly not aggressively). You should never give up who you are but rather be accepted and be accepting of the other. You need to be a team and not selfish or childish. If college could require courses in gender understanding and relationships (and tax preparation, how to change your oil, simple home repairs), people would have a better shot at finding true happiness and managing a functional home life.

The problem, even with the concept of "shidduch crisis," is the incorrect assumption that marriage is the GOAL. Marriage is only a means to develop and grow spiritually and physically with your soul-mate. It is but an indication of commitment to make this journey together. But when marriage is THE GOAL, people lose sight of what marriage is all about and meant to be. Marriage should be a journey of sharing & growth. Instead of getting all depressed (which is a turn off by the way) about not being married, be determined to keep seeking out your complement. Good luck to us all.

In the background, I hear the famous soccer announcer yelling, GOOOOOALLLL!
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Post Rabbinic Post

OK, so you graduated college and you think you'll never be bothered by another boring lecture. But there I go and shatter your illusions. You may kick my post-erior later. My-bad (I can't believe I just wrote that). I wrote a clearly dry and academic post chock full of important historical facts presented in a manner that will rival your best insomniac-curing professor. He knows his stuff but No-Doz, Red Bull, and an IV caffeine drip can't help you focus. And still you complain?!? I long for the days of that foggy glazed-look daze.

When I write a post like that I really am taking notes for myself, summarizing the major points of concern so that one day I can look back and get the whole gestalt without the fluff. Now I'm tempted to summarize that post so that your ADHD minds can get the point and move on.

So here goes. Torah ain't what you think. It's not a unified work and it has undergone major evolutionary/revisional changes over time. Judaism of first temple monarchy had different theology and concerns than second temple priestly rule. And varying and competing schools of thought merged or were rejected in a long process that leads us to what we practice today- a Judaism guided by the 'wise' interpretation of our ruling Rabbis (not priest and certainly not king).

The point was that evolution of religion was based on who was in power. Power as much as theology has determined the direction of our religion. And the winners get to tell their story.

So what do we do with this knowledge? Should this change anything we do? Well that's up to you. Some will reject religion as propaganda and a means of population control while others will accept that we are part of a long chain of good people searching for, but not always finding, the perfect unquestionable truth. And in what direction do we wish to see our religion heading? We were to be a light unto nations so should we move away from our insular nature and aim for more universal ideals? In the end we each have to find the best balance for ourselves.

For all you seekers out there, "Pilgrim, in your journey you may travel far, for pilgrim it's a long way to find out who you are..."- Enya.

Now I'm quoting Enya, kill me now!

Not Your Childhood Battlestar

I remember when I was young…maybe I’m crayyyzee...(Gnarls Barkley); I thoroughly enjoyed the Battlestar Galactica TV series. I was too young to find it overly simplistic. I reveled in the sci-fi adventure, futuristic technology, and mechanical/diabolical Cylons. The series began with a brief history of a long war between man and the machines he created to serve him and the subsequent rebellion. Finally, after many years of war, there was to be a peace treaty. The left-wing politicians, in their infinite gullibility in the ultimate good of people (or in this case Cylons), fell for the trap hook, line, and sinker. The result was a devastating destruction of the human home world. Only a handful of survivors led by Adama, the single voice of caution (that went unheeded), escaped in search of a lost world, all the while pursued by the bloodthirsty Cyclons.

I remember how Black and white every thing was. Who was good or evil? What were the obvious choices? Who was right and who clearly wrong? I easily equated this to my emerging political point of view. I saw this story being played out in the Middle East. I thought peace with Egypt was a trap, I felt the Left was prepared to sell out the Jewish people based on a pipe dream. I lived in a world of black and white. Do what needs to be done no matter what the world thinks, no matter the backlash. Solutions were simple back then.

Fast forward 20+ years. A new version of Battlestar Galactica has entered its second season. It seems that the writers have evolved. This version is exceptional; with great depth, mystery, character development, politics, global issues, and even spirituality. What I find fascinating is that it is the mechanical Cyclons that are deeply spiritual, believing in the one God while the humans are the pagans! The Cylons wrestle with the proper way to convey the word of God. Should it be through force and if so how much do the ends justify the means? The humans fighting for their very survival wrestle with what methods are acceptable forms of resistance? Is suicide bombing justified and how is that any different from sending a soldier into a battle we know he can’t return from? In a long run, how detrimental is it to dehumanize one’s enemy? Can there be dialogue with the enemy? Does any form of cooperation imply collusion or is some level of acquiescence acceptable in the broader picture? Is it proper to sell out your compatriots to save the one you love? Can two very different species attempt to merge and build trust and even loving relations? I think there may also be some sci-fi adventure stuck in there somewhere.

WOW!

My politics have evolved greatly and my appreciation for the much broader picture has brought me to the world of grays. Black and white is reserved for the fantasies of “If only I could just do x, y, & z…” Reality is much more complicated. Through my difficult marriage and subsequent divorce, I learned to be more cognizant of the fact that there is not only one right answer and that I must account for others equally valid(?) positions.

I watch Battlestar Galactica and it gives me a different angle to more objectively view conflict (and other issues). Yet, it’s just a show. It’s not real. It’s a LIE. But I appreciate the insights I draw from the show. This in itself is a lesson. The story may not be true but the ideas and truths it espouses are very real and very true indeed.

VOYAGER

At the time, I didn’t think much of it. It was just another episode of Star Trek Voyager, which I watched out of loyalty to Star Trek but without the same interest as in the original. Voyager was caught in a gravity well of a planet at its infancy of ‘human’ development. The people looked to the heavens at this new light in the sky and worshipped it as a powerful god (apparently concurrent with Voyager’s arrival, gravitational stresses began to rock the planet with frequent earthquakes). The rate of evolution on this planet was accelerated so in Voyager’s brief time, they witnessed the people evolve. New technology shifted the people’s focus from an unknowable god to understanding that there is a vessel in space yet still revered as a powerful force. It remained an icon where children had toy models and stories were told of its arrival. Technology reached a point where the people realized that Voyager was the cause of the quakes and they literally went ballistic by launching a nuclear strike at Voyager. They were quickly dissuaded and eventually the culture was able to assist Voyager in breaking free.

An old man looks to the heaven and sees the light that ‘thousands of years ago’ had appeared in his sky to influence the religion and culture of his people, disappear in the blink of an eye.

As I was nodding off to sleep the other night while thinking about the impact of religion on society, this episode of Voyager took on a whole new meaning to me. I thought of how primitive human’s sought, to the best of their abilities, to explain the universe and worship that which they could not comprehend. As time went on, human’s gained knowledge in the sciences and began to explain the forces of nature as just that. While still remaining an integral part of our culture, the attacks on God had begun. Many feeling that ‘God’ is the root of many of the evils that we witness today (suicide bombers, Jihad, ethnic cleansings, etc.). Others believed God to be a social construct as Emile Durkheim wrote that man projects his image onto the cosmos. Marx felt it was the opiate of the masses, a political tool to achieve control and compliance. The skeptics have deconstructed the Bible and have removed the foundation of western religion. Nietzsche has declared that ‘God is dead.’

But what will our wise old man think or see as we move to the next stage of our evolution. Will we lose our God completely? Will our culture suffer such a shock that it can’t recover? Will God be successfully redefined to meet the spiritual needs of modern society and will God be a universal God of all the people’s of the earth? We are at a very crucial crossroad in understanding and appreciating the role God has played in our culture and history. The lessons we can gain from analyzing history with an open mind can lead us to greater insights into human nature and a more honest & sensitive approach to our interactions with our fellow humans.