Leave Meme Alone!

I was tagged by Frum Female. I did a post over a year ago with a meme. The post has 5 of the seven things about me. When I reread it, I noticed that I was quite cocky back then. If you want you can reread it. I will just add 2 more things here.

But before I do, I will quote from The Secret Scroll by Ronald Cutler p.56 sentence 2-5: '"It doesn't look like we are being followed." "What was that about?" Danielle said [shouldn't Cutler have written, Danielle ASKED? How anal is that?]. She didn't seem frightened. In fact, she seemed a little annoyed. Josh glanced out again to see if it was safe.'

Apparently this meme requires you to turn to page 56 of the nearest book and then write down the 2nd to 5th sentence. Pretty hit or miss regarding relevance, level of interest etc. Next state 7 facts about yourself and then tag others and link them and to leave a comment on their blog saying they've been tagged.

Two more things about me, because as Anon in Critical Opposition post implies, it must be all about me, me, and meme because I'm narcissistic:
6. I'm not a narc.....
7. I miss Tali.

I now tag any TAG girls out there in an entirely shomer negiahdicka manner. Anyone else who has no life should consider themselves tagged as well.

Don't Just Be Bad, Be...

Superbad! I was at a Chanukah gathering of a good friend. He pointed out his nephew, around 16 yrs old, curly black hair, a bit on the chunky side. I said, "Hi, Seth." He said, "Hi, Sam" even though neither of us were introduced by name. I don't know how he knew my name but his likeness struck me as being a clone of Seth from the movie Superbad. So much so that I just had to blurt out, Seth! Ironically, that was the kid's real name. They say art imitates life.

Drive Through Window

Photo is generic, not from this story.

If you haven't heard yet, you will soon. An SUV driven by an elderly man smashed through the window of a Chabad Chanukah family festival where at least 150 people were celebrating the day with crafts, games, etc. My heart goes out to the father-daughter, and two siblings who are in critical condition as well as to all the others injured (I believe 14 in all). At first I thought it may be a terrorist attack because someone told me the driver was young and still managed to keep accelerating through the building until reaching the opposite wall. I understood it wasn't when I heard 'elderly'. My storefront has twice been visited by elderly drivers who think they are pressing on the brake, wondering why it's not stopping, and are pressing harder and harder on what turns out to be the accelerator. Once I actually ran outside, reached in to shut off the lady's engine while she was still pedal to the medal and in shock.

I have seen and heard from relatives how my dad's reaction time has decreased, he has blown stop signs and I believe he should not be driving. But he won't hear it. "We are trying to make him an invalid," he says. Meanwhile, it's a matter of time before he hurts/kills himself, my mom, others in the car, or innocent bystanders. My sister refuses to be in the same car while he drives. It's time to read him the riot act. The elderly are so stubborn and don't recognize their limitations. Everyone else must be overreacting, he thinks. I bet I will be the same way. I don't admit that my body can't handle the challenges as well as it did 20 years ago. Maybe I'll look back over this post and stop myself when the time is at hand. Ah, who am I kidding, I won't be able to see then.

I can't image the pain those families are going through right now. All I can say is, "God help them." What has made this tragedy more real to me has not been what I see in my own aging father but the fact that my kids where right there with their mom, one window over. They described in detail seeing the bleeding faces, the man stuck under the vehicle, the screaming, the fear. My daughter says she isn't afraid of scary shows anymore because it isn't real but this was. "Isn't Chanukah supposed to be happy? Why couldn't it happen when it wasn't a holiday?" I could only tell her that accidents happen, that I love her and that God was watching over her. I didn't let her hear me cry as she described the scene while I imaged their crumpled bodies. I don't know what nightmares they will have but I thank God they are safe.

Refuah Shelaimah to all and God Speed (but don't let the elderly).

11pm update: Yitzchak ben Hadassa Devorah Basya Fayga, is in serious but stable condition. His daughter Yakirah Breindel bas Rochel is Boruch Hashem Home.
Rivka bas Chana is recovering from multiple injuries and her son Daniel bas Rivka is doing Boruch Hashem better.
Please also have in mind Shmuel ben Tova and Yehudis bas Tova - a brother & sister who both have severe head trauma.
Please also have in mind Yitzchak Zev ben Masha Ehsha and Yaakov Zvi ben Sora.
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Antigonus and Tradition

Before I get to Antigonus, I need to do a bit on Chanukah.

My daughter came over to me last night and asked me a question. She asked if we know Antiochus, who is uncle-ochus? The apple doesn't fall far!

(Onward Christmas soldiers...)
I was discussing with my dad the third Mishnah in Aboth which continues the list of through whom the oral tradition was transmitted. It says, "Antigonus of Sokho received from Simeon the Righteous." Although there were others in the third and fourth century BCE that had the same name, this Antigonus was the first Pharisee (Rabbinic Judaism) on record to have a Greek name. My father considered the importance of names in Judaism, an example, Yaakov was so named because he held onto Akev (heel) of Esau. Other Biblical names have meaning as well. Perhaps Antigonus is Anti-gnos. Maybe he represents an anti gnosis. Gnosis being the philosophy that one can have direct knowledge of God if he has the proper tools or knowledge. Antigonus represents the politically correct approach to religion (as the mishnah sees it), that knowledge of God can be achieved through the proper vehicles; ie. those who received the tradition and passed it on. Follow the Torah, its rules, its priests and prophets not the gnosis approach. At the time of Antigonus there was a major debate among philosophers as to the proper means to have knowledge of God.

It is peripherally interesting that Simeon the Righteous is a cohen gadol of the Zadokite line. There was also a major conflict during the emergence of Rabbinic religion as to who has the authority to determine the course of Jewish teaching and law. The Zadokite line of priests who had ruled the temple for hundreds of years claimed that Sinaitic tradition is meant to be passed through the priestly line. The rabbis contested this and developed the mishnah in Aboth specifically to legitimize their rule. They also needed validity from a recognized power in a similar manner that a famous actor would be used for an infomercial. They used a Zadokite priest who adheres to the Rabbinic modality.

Gabrielle Boccaccini's, The Roots of Rabbinic Judaism, describes this as follows. By focusing on Moses and Joshua the rabbis bypass the hereditary line of priesthood (cutting off Aaron and descendants). Interestingly, The sages included Zadokite high priest Simon the Righteous (described as receiving his Torah based on being a survivor of the men of the great synagogue NOT because he was a priest). He then passed Torah on to disciple Antigonus rather than his sons as would be expected of a priest.
For more on Antigonus because you just can't sleep without it see:
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Antigonus_of_Sokho

Critical Opposition

The following is a lengthy comment decrying my negligence in handling the Tali situation. I think it deserves a stand-alone post rather than be relegated to the comments:

Let me get this straight. You go out with the woman, she has kids. You get to know the kids, and you see problems early on.

You say you want to wait a year (or more) to get engaged, yet, knowing the problems with the kid integration, you propose anyway, and not even after a year.

Then, without warning, without trying to deal with her on your fears, without co-parenting help from therapists together, without any discussion, you break the engagement, break this woman's heart (probably her kids too) totally unilaterally?

And then you come onto your blog and complain about YOUR broken heart?

What about this isn't narcissistic?

How can you say you did everything you could, when you didn't talk to her, didn't try and protect the love of your life by going to specialists in this area?

Did you handle the situation in a way you would have appreciated it handled if the woman were holding that power?

How are you going to trust that you're ready to go back on frumster when you don't have a handle on what made you get engaged knowing the problems, made you break the engagement knowing it was unilateral, and so very damaging without going every inch you could to make sure it would work?

Would you like your daughter treated this way?

My response to Anon:
I'm not complaining about my broken heart. I'm sharing my current feelings. I know I broke it and I broke hers, that doesn't mean I can't express a feeling of loss even if it is my own doing.

I did indicate in one of the posts that I deluded myself into thinking that the problems were manageable and I really wanted to spend eternity with Tali. You are right I shouldn't have proposed, yet even if I hadn't, the let down when I realized how untenable the merger would be, would still have cause her great pain. No way to escape getting hurt in this situation.

Yes I should have talked to her about the misgiving but once I realized the grave error I made, there was already a engagement party scheduled. There is a crucial part of the merger problem that I feel is inappropriate to discuss in an open forum. That one crucial element is one that I tried to learn about, to deal with and in the end recognized that I would NEVER be at peace with it and the family dynamics would end up being totally dysfunctional. So what would a therapist do? What more is there that wasn't in the book? What more is there than my belatedly honest recognition that no matter what said or done, it won't work out? Any ideas????

So I asked her friends how they would end such a situation and their answers where entirely elusive. I asked how I could have handled it better and the best they could respond to my very serious question is how could I have handled it worse. I'll tell you how, we could have had the party the following week and been that much more embarrassed after the big show with gifts to be returned etc. I could have waited until after the civil ceremony planned for about 2-3 weeks in the future. She could have changed schools for her kid, sold her house and then have to start all over. That sounds worse to me.

You are right I should have discussed it with her but in the end I couldn't make it work no matter what she said. We could have cried together, gone to therapists, but there is no answer.

I mentioned earlier on that I would be OK if we lived in separate houses but that was unacceptable to her, I very early on mentioned that we should go out a LONG time to make sure the issue gets worked out but she very clearly said she has no intention of waiting around for years to see if a problem is resolved just to find out later that it doesn't. (Think of what an emotional let-down that would have been).

I joined Frumster again but I have no real interest now in doing anything about it. I don't think I can handle a serious relationship now nor do I believe I will ever meet anyone as good as Tali. But I may feel different about dating in a month or so. It's a three month deal.

As for the question of the woman having the power, that is ridiculous. The woman has just as much ability to break off a relationship unilaterally as does them man. It has happened to me, some even based solely on my infant children being too much to handle. And I'm sure it has happened to everyone on this planet at one time or another. Of course I don't want my daughter to lose her love but if it isn't going to work, what choice is there and yes relationships have great potential for pain. I'm sure she will shed her share of tears through the years, sad as that may be.

Tali's friends told me, immediately after the breakup, quite explicitly, to never have any form of contact with her again. I assumed that was her wish. It may actually speed the healing, though I wish to tell her I love her and I'm sorry. She is the most amazing woman I ever met. Everything was just so easy, nice, loving, caring and quite frankly perfect between us...if not for the merger problem. I don't believe I will ever meet anyone like her. I still dream of her nightly.

Damned if I do, damned if I don't.

Season of Misgivings

Tis the season not only to be freezin' but experience emotional turmoil. There are some lucky people out there who spend time with their loved ones, exchanging gifts and cherishing their time together. Many other people have come to dread the holidays because it brings an acute awareness of their loneliness or they become depressed. For me, aside from all the previous posts about Tali and how much I miss her, there is something else that really attacks my psyche. While others suffer Seasonal Affective Disorder and the like, I suffer aWrapnophobia. Not a fear of spiders nor or ghetto music, no, it is the fear of having to wrap all the gifts for Chanukah's and Christmas. I'm having misgivings about all these givings.

I used to work at Macy's and there I learned the fine art of wrapping while hanging out at the gift wrapping department. The reason for those sojourns are for another time. I watched intently at their techniques and thought I mastered it. But now so many gifts come in odd shaped boxes especially those things like discmans that come in this hard plastic body wrap. Not only is it shape not conducive to fine wrapping, it posses, at least to me, a mortal danger when attempting to cut it open. I almost gave in one night to respond to an infomercial about a special cutting blade specifically designed just for such packaging. But in the end, I decided to live dangerously and just take my chances.

So, although I thought I was the Tupac of wRapping, I concede defeat. I'm not as anal as I used to be and just don't have the patience anymore. In ten seconds all the effort will be torn away, crumpled up and used to line the litter box. I give up, just be happy I found time to get you a gift.

Frumster Chanukah Special

If you recall, I met Tali on Frumster. For those who are inclined, Frumster is running a 3-month special. I think tonight it's $7.95/mon, tomorrow night it goes up a dollar a month and so on for the next few days. So sign up if you dare.

I'm No Cardiologist

Read this post first.

There is no way to sugar coat it. No manner to make it more palatable, more acceptable. I broke our engagement and Tali's heart. It will never feel right even if I justify logically the need to separate. Since it is so fresh, so raw, I expect her friends to defend her vehemently and pour forth their righteous indignation. And they have. I deserve it; I accept their rebuke.

So how does one delicately tell the person he loves and wishes to spend every waking moment with, that there is no way to make it work. Compound it with a commitment of engagement with a ring and watch exchanged. Her friends deplore the fact that I just, out of the blue, amputated her from my life. Is there an easier way? Should we have had long tearful, gut wrenching discussions for weeks on end, only for me to come to the same realization, that I can't make this merger work. I know she tried her best and was succeeding (as far as I know). I gave it my all and I failed. The past many months have had the specifics addressed and all the techniques that we could think of were put out forth. There was only one major discussion on the matter a few months ago and more specific minor discussions as to how to handle the problem as each incident arouse.

I guess she and her friends are mortified by the fact that she was unaware of my feelings. I should never have proposed if I had made peace with the issue. (I thought I had). The reality is that I was trying to make those feelings disappear and if they vanished from my mind, everything would be OK. But once I started realizing that it can't be ignored, it was already too late and the merger untenable.

I even seriously considered marrying her and living in separate homes but she wouldn't hear of it. Yeah and it is kinda weird. I saw a psychologist to give me insights into child behavior. I read books about transforming the difficult child and family dynamics. I tried having the kids interact often and in the end I just felt like I was losing my mind from them as is clear from the previous post.

So, again I ask you how do you end it? I told her simply the facts, that I tried, I thought I could do it but I can't. I love her dearly but it's not going to work. Was I supposed to put my arms around her while I dropped the bomb? Was I supposed to start acting distant, then pick or look for fights, then escalate over time so that when it finally comes she would say, "Good riddance he's an ass for the way he treats me."?

Believe me if I felt there was any more answers to make this work, I would jump on it in a second. But there isn't. She told me in August, "If it's right, you make it work." She told me to speak to the psychologist, to read the books. Living separately was not an option nor was waiting many years to see if the kids grow out of their behavioral issues. I thought I was OK but I wasn't. I thought the kids were getting more manageable but they weren't. Love blinded me and I wanted to be blind just to have Tali. But my insides were torn apart by my inability to find resolution. From all our discussions over the past few months, there was nothing new to add, only perhaps guilt that plans were made, that we were going to town hall in a week to let the government once again interfere with our lives. There was very little time left and I know ultimately my decision was right for me and my family, horrible for Tali, and maybe not so bad for her children.

So, I am curious to hear how you would have ended it; what marvelous techniques I failed to employ? It had to be done and there was no way to make it hurt less. I AM SORRY for all of us but most of all, for Tali.

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Engaged In Something Funky

This is a long post. If you are just joining there are some nice short ones that will be below this one. This one takes place over a span of months, gaps indicated by dashes (----).

I’ve been here before. You know the place. The one where your mood is dulled and your spirit muted. While different things can cause these feelings, my funks seem to center around my relationships. I don’t get too upset or down when business is bad because I trust things will turn around and I will find a way to succeed or at least provide the basics for my family. But in my relationships with women, no matter how amazing, there is something that feels like an SAM missile that locks in on me and shoots me right out of the sky, right out of my high. An example would be, a lovely woman I started dating a few years back. Things were exciting and enticing. After a while we even settled into a long term relationship. Then it hits me. To be more exact someone else hits me, so to speak. I run into an old friend who sees the excitement in my eyes and asks, “Soooooo, what’s happening???” I describe the woman and then I see a facial change, a pensive look. “Are you sure you what to get into this?” Needless to say I have to fish a bit before some ungodly secret/defect/dysfunction is revealed to me. I know everyone has baggage and problems and I’d like to think I’m the kind of guy who rolls with the punches and will step up to the plate. But some things can’t be compromised. I can’t abide by mental illness for example. Been down that road and she destroyed my life on many levels.

Other relations since then involved short stints (Freud would have field day with the fact that I actually wrote "stinks" by accident instead of "stints"). I was surprised to find so many really nice women, pretty, funny, who are willing to take on my load….... of children. My kids happen to be wonderful but they are a handful and a lot of work.

And now to my latest quandary. I have fallen in love with Tali. I can find no faults with her nor has any top secret information been delivered that would create an international incident. She is pretty, so much fun to be with, and easy going. I rarely encounter a woman who consistently thinks logically. Hence, I suspect she must be abusing testosterone hormone pills. I’m comfortable being with her in all situations and she makes me happy. She even takes on all my children as if it was a walk in the park (NO, not Jurassic Park). She acknowledges that they are a handful and can stress her out, which is expected, but she says, “If it is right, you find a way to make it work.”

Those very words were uttered to me regarding our future together. I had initially told her we would go out for a year before I would commit to anything. After a half a year, I apparently added the word MINIMALLY. She is not prepared to spend years of her life in limbo or without a clear objective of marriage, she’d rather move on. I respect that. But here is the kicker and the funk-maker. Our children have significant issues related to merging of our families. I believe both our sets of children are adorable and even lovable in their own right but together it's a volatile mix.

I can't find peace, I'm entirely overwhelmed. I feel that I have to be so vigilant that I can’t enjoy my time with the kids. Often I can’t find my happy place, so even though Tali and all the kids are together, I can’t find the love or pleasure. I’m on guard. I don’t like myself when I’m like this. I don’t believe I can sustain this level for an appreciable amount of time. I feel like I need medication when their together. Sometimes I hear myself mumbling I wish I were dead. Scary.

But I love Tali. Shouldn’t that be enough? Shouldn’t that give me the strength to overcome this obstacle to inner peace? I can’t relax. People have told me that kids can ruin a marriage & ruin a family. I wanted to go out for an extended time, watch them hopefully mature or at least allow me to learn how to better cope and see for myself that it is totally implementable. But the pressure has been put on to come up with a timetable and that pressure imbues in every interaction so much more meaning for the ultimate outcome of our success or failure. Times I feel I can do it, others I can’t. I feel like I owe it to all of us to continue to slowly built tolerance/immunity rather than jump ship at the first port of call. I believe I can find a way to learn to deal with this and train myself to react or feel more at ease even under stress.

I don’t necessarily believe that if it’s right I can make anything work.

God please help me. I’m in a funk and feeling funked up. I don’t want to lose Tali or hurt her feelings but I don’t want to lose myself either.

----------------------- -------------
As time passed and our love grew deeper, I forced myself to repress my feelings of misgivings regarding the ultimate success of our family merger.

I drew a line in the sand never expecting to cross but the shifting winds and passage of time have erased the painful markings of the past and allowed me to once again transverse the dunes of engagement. So scarred was I, that I made myself promise to wait a year before I dare utter any proposition. I had close friends take an oath to protect me and set right, my errant wanderings. Some were to give their consent, others to be the voice of reasons-past, ever vigilant with words of encouragement to be firm, advise caution to be wary. The fruits of nine months of labor, a time well spent in contemplating the unthinkable. Do not imagine this nine month courtship to be anything but a marvel. For we did not fight, our disagreements were kneaded out without the banter of raised voices or hurt feelings. In short we functioned like a Swiss timepiece (not a Rolex, heaven forbid. They are notoriously poor at timekeeping). Our time had come.


Engagement. (Flinch). I'll tell you why I dread engagement. It really has nothing to do with commitment. Everyone knows you should be committed for even contemplating marriage. The reality is that by the time the proposal for marriage comes, your heart and mind have already committed to this person who you cherish dearly and hope to spend the rest of you life. The issue is the stress that accompanies engagement. People envision this as a blissful period where you are showered in mazal tovs and well wishes, a period of starry-eyes and romantic moments. I find those to be worthy of only honorable mention. Instead, plans, projects, research, lists of who to invite and who to offend, engagement parties where a population the size of a small country are invited. Worse is not living up to all the mental images that you have been saving up since the magic moments of divorce. For my second wedding, I imagined that I would take a longer engagement time to make sure that I had time to work out all the kinks so that whatever final product we agreed upon, it would turn out as best as possible obviously, recognizing that somethings are unforeseeable.

Tali printed beautiful invitations. I volunteered to stuff the envelopes, print and stick the address labels and return labels. After many many hours, I was all done labeling and stamping. It never occurred to me that there should be a special font or that the font on the labels should match the invitation itself. Heck, I'm a guy and the truth is, all this pomp and fluff are a big waste of time BUT it makes Tali happy and to that end I'm all for giving it my best. That said, I failed. Tali, to her credit, didn't criticize me or get angry at me but when I realized what happened I beat myself up. I rode my stationary bike for over an hour (never, ever did that length of time before) at 3AM. I couldn't sleep until 530AM. I had a chance to fulfill her idea of perfect invitations and I blew it. I offered to spend another entire day of my life redoing the envelopes but Tali wouldn't hear of it. I'm watching the whole process snowball out of control. The party is huge and Tali suddenly tells me she has to cook for it. I was under the influence, er, impression that her friend would coordinate getting people to volunteer so that there would be minimal preparation on Tali's part. I guess strategies shift as the sands in the kitty's litter box. She hasn't said so but I think she is really stressing over this.
This period is torture.

And the guest list! I hate crowds. I despise walking through the human traffic jam known as Costco. I am not even looking forward to this engagement party. So many people. I want a small party of close friends. I want a small inexpensive wedding. I'm tempted right now to throw away most of the invitations from my side because I just want my closest friends and family to share in my simcha. Once it goes too much beyond that, it's just another shark-infested, shabbas-kiddush feeding-frenzy.
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I had prepared the following speech for our engagement party.
-Some people are inclined to seek out a blessing from a rabbi or a gadol to facilitate or enhance his chances of success. It was shortly after I proposed to Tali that I was relating the good new to a chasheva person and he, from his own initiative, insisted on giving me a bracha. He said it would not be the long drawn out bracha that you hear many people offer; "..a gezinta bracha, mit mazel for da whole mishpacha and..." a run on sentence that is reminiscent of the court documents that must be all inclusive to avoid any difficulties later. He promised to use proper GRAMMAR. Instead he offered a few simple words- Run for your life! (JJ). Actually he quoted the verse, "shomer p'tayim hashem." God watches over fools, so watch out. (We laughed and I told him that we intended on processing the GET first to get it out of the way so we wouldn't need to think of it again). Boy am I gonna get it.

I thought his terminology very interesting. God WATCHES over fools. As it happens, the only fancy watch I owned hadn't worked for years. As if time froze and my life had stopped in the darkness of the past. Tali, always one to offer her help, volunteered to run an errand, suggested that she would take it to a jeweler and get a new battery. I had mentioned to her that I went to two jewelers and they said the manufacturer had to do it. So Tali diligently took the watch to Tourneau and they said it had to be sent out to fix because it does not take batteries. The estimate was $800 to repair, so when the collection plate goes around, keep that in mind. I opted for a showpiece rather than a timepiece and declined the repair. When I picked up the watch, something possessed me to wind it, just for old time's sake. It suddenly and has ever since, been functioning fine!

In the movie, Stranger Than Fiction, Emma Thompson, the narrator described how Harold went on about his life not realizing that his watch was trying to tell him something. As a general rule, within the Torah world, we are entreated to look at events with a penetrating eye. Why did I witness a given scene? Is there some extra lesson that I can glean from circumstances? Here too, it was obvious to me that Tali was the impetus for me to move forward and live life again. She got my old ticker a tickin' again and when I look at the face of the watch, I consider all that I have faced and the only face I want to watch and have by my side is Tali's.

Tali clearly is a beautiful. Outwardly, easy on the eyes, and inwardly, her neshama is a rarity. She is good hearted and easy to be with and always giving of herself to her children, me and mine, and the community at large. As a seasoned EMT, I'm sure she is exceptional in providing for the patients' physical as well as emotional needs. She gave me a flu shot and I didn't even feel it. That's a talent. There shall be other kinds of shots offered later, hopefully. Though she told me she plans on calling all the shots.

I'm looking forward to adding supermom and her children to my tribe. And I'm looking forward to adding all the dear people in her life to the dear ones in mind.
I wanted to thank all of our wonderful guests for their delightful company and their well wishes.
The End
(Little did I know)
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I thought I had made peace with the merging of the children. But as the engagement party loomed ever nearer, Pandora's Box reared its ugly contents.
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I did it to myself and that’s why I want to hurt myself.
Why bother merging many kids who kill each other and stress me to the point of wanting to cut myself or smash my head into the wall to make it all stop. They are constantly hurting each other.


Sometimes I want to give my kids them back to their mother, no matter how unstable she is, so that I can avoid these horrible interactions. I need earplugs to drown out the noise. I want to kill myself for the shit I get myself in. I swear, if I DON'T get high blood pressure soon or die of an aneurysm soon, I will be surprised and I will take that as irrefutable proof of a vengeful god.

But falling in love means short circuit your brain and fuck your life and fuck your kids lives.
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I dreamt that I went into the ocean with Tali and her kids. The next thing I new, we had drifted very far from where we started. The shoreline looked small and distant. I knew we had to get out to help her kids and feed them. I realized that I forgot one of my boys in the water and rushed back to get him. I took him ashore only to realize I neglected to put sunscreen on him and one shoulder was very red so I put aloe on it but looking at the other shoulder I realized how negligent I really was, forgetting his needs for Tali and her kids. His other shoulder was blistering with boils from the burn and as I attempted to rub cream on it, the entire skin from his upper arm started to peel off like a snake molting. It peeled all the way down to the elbow. I woke up crying.

This was but one of the nightmares that has caused me many sleepless nights the past few weeks. They reinforce what I already know, that I would be neglecting my children if I take on Tali's. I have been negligent for allowing myself to be blinded by my love for her. I know what my family needs and I know what I can handle. I can't be her superman and our families will not merge successfully.

I'm not superstitious nor do I believe that I should take dreams as gospel. But I do see a clear manifestation of my angst within these dreams. The dreams are symptomatic of the very problem I have wrestled.
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I hope everything ends soon.

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And it will. Tonight I'm going to call it off with Tali. I haven't slept well over the past few weeks. These troubling thoughts keep me awake at night. Even now, I write these words as the rest of my household sleeps. I know I will crush her and break her heart. I love her and she me. We would have been very happy with each other if only our kids got along. I failed to be her superman and I can't do what it takes to integrate the family. To continue this would be to sacrifice my happiness and that of my kids.

My major error was allowing my deep love for Tali to gloss over a real damaging issue. I wanted to spend my life with her so badly that I allowed those feelings to interfere with my judgment in this crucial area. And now there will be two broken hearts.

It hurts to give up the one you love but it will be worse to do it later after the state gets involved, after she gives up her apartment and changes her children's school. I can't worry that people made plans or that money was spent on a ring or that she gave me a watch. I know what I must do, now I must strap on my balls and do it.

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("The Horror" -Marlon Brando, Apocalypse Now).
After a dinner out, I took her home and just sat her down and told her what I wish never had to be said. I couldn’t look her in the eye. I cried as I told her that I couldn’t handle the merger and that I never meant to hurt her. She was perfect for me but it can't be. She sat there stunned. It broke my heart to break hers (and mine). She asked me to leave and we haven’t spoken since. Life is so painful.
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Interesting thing, this morning I tried winding my old fancy watch and it has stopped working again. Spooky.



Now jump here to get an update, then read any newer posts.

Avodah Zerah

Head Coverings. I'm particularly partial to this previous post on female head covering but today I'd like to kipa-way from that topic. Instead I'd like to discuss condoms. I must really be in the minority because all my guy and gal-friends hate it. So much so that they risk STD's and pregnancies on a regular basis. The sponge is out and as for the pill, a guy has to really rely on his woman's compliance. I know guys out there who now have babies because the woman 'forgot' or perhaps had other matrimonial or support needs. Most other forms of birth control, aside from abstinence (even 2008 years ago it wasn't so successful), aren't as effective as condoms nor do they provide as much protection against STD's. I know supposedly frum guys and beis yaakov girls who have got HPV or genital herpes even though they were in a committed relationship and not the type that randomly sleeps around.

My friends think I have trust issues. The reality is that I may trust my woman but not the guy before her. Some diseases like HPV have NO symptoms for the male but can lead to cervical cancer in women. HPV may not be the best example because it can be transmitted just by touching the nether regions. But there are so many other wonderful treats one can acquire that could be prevented. And let's be honest, many people just don't admit to their maladies lest they lose their partner or are too embarrassed.

I seem to be the only guy who feels entirely unaffected by the use of condoms. It doesn't affect my enjoyment nor my function and it provides me with piece of mind that I'm being as cautious as humanly possible. Abstinence is unrealistic except if you're young, never been married and saving yourself. I have heard women decry the use of condoms and how it decreases their pleasure. Not being a woman, I would have to take them at their word but the women I have consulted also say they need clitoral stimulation to orgasm, so I don't see where condoms interfere with that. And haven't their mothers told them never to trust a guy, he just wants to get some and move on? Aren't they afraid of catching something from a guys previous escapade? Better safe then sorry. Enjoy life, safely.

I think I covered the topic for now.

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I Saw The Sign

I was driving upstate to pay a shiva call to relatives and I noticed this sign. I didn't have much time to get a clear shot with my camera phone but it says, "Life is worth living...24HR hotline phone ahead." Now, mind you that this is the approach to the Tappan Zee Bridge. Basically we are telling this obviously distraught individual, "Yeah, keep going there is phone somewhere ahead but just ignore that high, tempting, oh so tempting bridge, over the waters that will free you from all your pain. Nah, just keep going."

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Update: As I was rereading my post, it occured to me that the sign could be read with a different emphasis. Perhaps it could be understood as there is a 24hr hotline but you need to phone ahead of time. If you can't get your act together in advance, you might as well jump.

When The Moon Is Full...

Another great marketing genius shows his creative mind and sales acumen. When perusing the detergent aisle, trolling for belly lint and extra strength deodorizers, I noticed this wonder. Look closely at the picture. "2x Ultra Tide..more effective...[and clearly] useless." Now why would I want to buy a very effective container of useless material. How would that help? Do you think they are so aware of my children's ability to render their clothes impermeable to the cleansing effects of detergent?

I decided to contact Tide and I'm awaiting their response. It would have been more fun to get a live operator rather than just email but I couldn't find a phone number. Out, Out, Damn Spot!

Dreams of Tali

Every night I dream of her. But as I awoke this morning from my dream, I felt as if it was just beyond my reach. I dreamt that I was visiting Yoelly in Indiana when he informed me he would have to work on Sunday. I was excited because now I could travel back to NY to be with Tali and spend the day together. Suddenly I remembered that I could not be with her.

As in all dreams, there was a sudden shift. I was then discussing with Tali our predicament when it dawned on me how it would indeed be possible to make things work out. I was excited that we figured out a way to spend our lives together.

But just then, I awoke, unable to access the magic formula that would allow me to be with the woman I love. I laid in bed for as long as I could before I needed to get the children ready for school. I tried to drift back and unlock the secret but I failed. I couldn't get past the problem.

Jerusalem Temple Theory

Sorry folks, this is gonna be a dry post.

I received an interesting DVD recording of a lecture by James Tabor about a minority opinion of Ernest Martin that the temple in Jerusalem was not located where the Dome of the Rock is, but rather much further south. The DVD was sent to me from the Biblical Archeology Society in thanks for my responding to some survey many moons ago. I found Martin's new perspective fascinating and worth considering at least until someone can find definitive proof for any of the other 3 main theories.


Tabor made a point that his lecture was not based on archaeological finds because until now there have not been any definitive archaeological finds that indicate that the Haram is the site of the former temples. And there may never be archaeological proof, considering that "It [Jerusalem] was so thoroughly laid even with the ground by those that dug it up to the foundation, that there was nothing left to make those that came thither believe it [Jerusalem] had ever been inhabited" (War VII.1,1).
So the Herodian temple that Tabor (and Martin) would explore would be one based on the literary evidence rather than the archeology. Below is how most scholars imagine the Temple. The top of the picture is north, depicting the Antonia Fortress.



Based on Josephus’ writings, from the ramparts of Antonia fortress one could look down into the inner area of the temple courtyard. If temple was at the Dome of Rock and the fortress Antonia is to be identified by what we today call by that name (north of the Haram Al sharif), one would need periscope to accomplish this. (An alternate theory by Kaufman claims that temple must be closer to the northern fortress to avoid this difficulty).


In the above image, the temple, according to Martin, is located in the left structure (which there are no remains) instead of in the middle of the right structure (Haram). The left of the image is south while the right is due north. The current Fortress Antonia is not depicted and would be further to the right (due north) as in the first image.



From Martin: "What Josephus describes as the Temple and Fort Antonia does NOT fit any part (or in any way) the Haram esh-Sharif that scholars believe today to be the remains of the Temple .
"Josephus said the Temple of Herod was built high up on a platform that had four walls around it forming a precise square of 600 feet on each side. This description in no way fits the dimensions of the Haram. Josephus said the wall of its southeast corner had its foundations directly in the deepest part of the Kidron Valley (in the streambed itself) and that its height was 300 cubits (450 feet, or about the height of a modern 40 story building). Near the northwest corner Josephus said this external Temple wall was connected to Fort Antonia by two side-by-side colonnade roadways (each 600 feet long). Josephus then said that Fort Antonia itself was built around a notable "Rock" that was viewed as the centerpiece feature of the interior of the Fort (which was also known as the Praetorium). This well-recognized "Rock" in the Praetorium around which Fort Antonia was built was called the lithostrotos in the Gospel of John (19:13) and Christ stood on it when judged by Pilate. Josephus said that Antonia’s size was much larger than the Temple (he described Fort Antonia as the size of a city and it contained a full legion of Roman troops with many open spaces for military exercises and training). Fort Antonia was so large that Josephus said it obscured the whole of the Temple square from the north."



Specific quotes from Josephus are as follows “…the level area on its summit originally barely sufficed for shine and altar, the ground around being precipitous and steep [300 cubits/150 ft{15 story building}, cf JW 5.188]…through constant additions…hilltop…was widened (JW 5.184-185). Herod doubled its size in the 15yr of his reign (Jewish Wars 1.31)
“The interior [Antonia fortress] resembled a palace in its spaciousness and appointments, being divided into apartments of every description and for every purpose, including cloisters, baths, and broad courtyards for the accommodation of troops, so that from its possession of all conveniences it seemed a town (Polis or city!) from its magnificence a palace…three of these turrets were 50 cubits high, while at the SE angle rose 70 cubits, AND SO COMMANDED A VIEW OF THE WHOLE AREA OF THE TEMPLE…for a Roman cohort {=100 troops} (literally 'togma'=‘legion’ 6000 troops plus auxiliary) was permanently quartered there and at the festivals took up positions in arms around porticos to watch the people and suppress any insurrectionary movement. For if the temple lay as a fortress over the city, Antonia dominated the temple…The hill Bezetha was as I said cut off from Antonia, the highest of all hills…formed on the north the only obstruction to the view of the temple." JW 5.238-246


Even the mishna describes what one would see when going south from Ramallah. If temple was by Haram, then it would have been seen easier. But if Haram is Antonia and imposing and blocking of view, this better jives with the mishna that the temple was obscurred.

Martin: "All archaeologists and historians today (including Ritmeyer [who holds the dominant theory that Dome of Rock was the site of temple]) readily admit that the Haram esh-Sharif is the only facility of pre-destruction Jerusalem that survived the war with its foundation stones still in evidence. Those four Herodian walls of Fort Antonia and its interior buildings were the only man-made structures that Titus the Roman general allowed to remain for the protection of the Tenth Legion left to monitor Roman affairs. And Josephus said Antonia was built around a prominent "Rock" just like we see in the Haram esh-Sharif under the Dome of the Rock.

"In fact, as late as Maimonides (during the Crusade period), the great Jewish philosopher said the Temple was then in total ruins (while the Haram area was NOT in ruins but was heavily built upon by the Christians and Muslims).

"Then slightly later, the Jewish authority Rabbi David Kimchi [RaDaQ~ early 13th cntury CE] also stated that the Jewish Temple was still in utter ruins and (Kimchi added the important observation) that no Christian or Muslim had ever built over the spot where the true Temples stood."

Yet "in 692 A.D., the Sixth Caliph, Abn el-Malik, built the Dome of the Rock over this "oblong Rock." As late as the time of Saladin in the period of the Crusades, the court recorder of Saladin wrote that that "Rock" under the Dome of the Rock was the same "Rock" that always had the footprints of Jesus embedded on it that were left there when Pilate judged Jesus in the Praetorium (or, Fort Antonia ). So, as late as the Crusades, it was known that the "Rock" under the Dome of the Rock was the lithostrotos (the structured Rock) mentioned in the Gospel of John (19:13) where Jesus stood at his judgment by Pilate. This evidence proves positively that throughout all the historical periods up to the Crusades it was recognized that the Dome of the Rock area in the Haram esh-Sharif was indeed the site of Fort Antonia , and NOT the Temple."

Martin then tries to make an extraordinary claim, that the temple was actually above the Gihon Spring (which is south of the Haram). He says, "Another eyewitness account was given by Aristeas in 285 B.C. He said the Temple at Jerusalem had within its precincts a natural spring of water, and Tacitus the Roman historian in 100 A.D. also mentioned this inexhaustible spring that was located within the walls of the Temple just before its destruction by the Romans."


He continues and tries to quote from biblical passages that the temple was above the Gihon spring. I briefly looked at the sources and it didn't seem compelling (but I need to read more). Why would the Biblical writers not specify this fact, if it were indeed so? I guess Martin doesn't think this should be a dry post.

Martin notes that "We have absolute documentary evidence that 70 Jewish families in the seventh century were allowed by Omar (the Second Caliph) to settle in Jerusalem . They informed Omar that they wanted to reside in the SOUTHERN part of Jerusalem so they could be near the Siloam water system and to be near the site of their former Temple . Omar, who was then building his Al Aqsa Mosque in the southern extremity of the Haram, allowed them their request. This historical fact is found in a fragment of a letter discovered in the Geniza library of Egypt now in Cambridge University in England."


I wonder what makes Martin think that 'near' the temple means directly by the spring. Maybe within walking distance to Haram area is considered by these people to be 'near.'

Martin continues, "Interestingly, in this document (and in all pre-Crusade records), Jews showed no interest in the "Rock" now under the Dome of the Rock. Their sole attention was to the area SOUTH of Haram and the Muslim government buildings.

I find the earlier portions of this post and his argument stronger than the last. I will link to a few articles that either are good summaries or very detailed. Let me know what you think.

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