I'm No Cardiologist

Read this post first.

There is no way to sugar coat it. No manner to make it more palatable, more acceptable. I broke our engagement and Tali's heart. It will never feel right even if I justify logically the need to separate. Since it is so fresh, so raw, I expect her friends to defend her vehemently and pour forth their righteous indignation. And they have. I deserve it; I accept their rebuke.

So how does one delicately tell the person he loves and wishes to spend every waking moment with, that there is no way to make it work. Compound it with a commitment of engagement with a ring and watch exchanged. Her friends deplore the fact that I just, out of the blue, amputated her from my life. Is there an easier way? Should we have had long tearful, gut wrenching discussions for weeks on end, only for me to come to the same realization, that I can't make this merger work. I know she tried her best and was succeeding (as far as I know). I gave it my all and I failed. The past many months have had the specifics addressed and all the techniques that we could think of were put out forth. There was only one major discussion on the matter a few months ago and more specific minor discussions as to how to handle the problem as each incident arouse.

I guess she and her friends are mortified by the fact that she was unaware of my feelings. I should never have proposed if I had made peace with the issue. (I thought I had). The reality is that I was trying to make those feelings disappear and if they vanished from my mind, everything would be OK. But once I started realizing that it can't be ignored, it was already too late and the merger untenable.

I even seriously considered marrying her and living in separate homes but she wouldn't hear of it. Yeah and it is kinda weird. I saw a psychologist to give me insights into child behavior. I read books about transforming the difficult child and family dynamics. I tried having the kids interact often and in the end I just felt like I was losing my mind from them as is clear from the previous post.

So, again I ask you how do you end it? I told her simply the facts, that I tried, I thought I could do it but I can't. I love her dearly but it's not going to work. Was I supposed to put my arms around her while I dropped the bomb? Was I supposed to start acting distant, then pick or look for fights, then escalate over time so that when it finally comes she would say, "Good riddance he's an ass for the way he treats me."?

Believe me if I felt there was any more answers to make this work, I would jump on it in a second. But there isn't. She told me in August, "If it's right, you make it work." She told me to speak to the psychologist, to read the books. Living separately was not an option nor was waiting many years to see if the kids grow out of their behavioral issues. I thought I was OK but I wasn't. I thought the kids were getting more manageable but they weren't. Love blinded me and I wanted to be blind just to have Tali. But my insides were torn apart by my inability to find resolution. From all our discussions over the past few months, there was nothing new to add, only perhaps guilt that plans were made, that we were going to town hall in a week to let the government once again interfere with our lives. There was very little time left and I know ultimately my decision was right for me and my family, horrible for Tali, and maybe not so bad for her children.

So, I am curious to hear how you would have ended it; what marvelous techniques I failed to employ? It had to be done and there was no way to make it hurt less. I AM SORRY for all of us but most of all, for Tali.

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