Hey, You're Not Rachel

I recently went to the wedding of a close relative that is ultra-orthodox. She wore a thick veil during the ceremony that entirely concealed her face. It occurred to me that the photographers, who were snapping away, were creating ambiguous memories. One would be hard pressed to ascertain whether these photos were from the groom’s wedding to her or someone else. As I watched, an image popped into my mind and I had to refrain from giggling. It was the most pointless family photo I had ever seen (credit: haemtza):



Another pet peeve I have pertains to saying tehillim while walking down the aisle and under the chupah. This is one of the most emotional moments in a person’s life. It is a rite of passage, a transforming experience. But that experience is suppressed and thoughts are now elsewhere. Prayers can be said later and with better kavanah (concentration). The whole point of living is to experience life to its fullest. Be in the moment, that’s where life is happening. Why squander a (hopefully) once in a lifetime experience?

Up SHIFTS Creek

By your overwhelming response and commentary, I take it that you don’t care for the archaeology I’ve been shoveling.

So let’s return to the reel world, that of movies. I just watched Breakup with Jennifer Aniston. Actually it was with a buddy but anyway it hit close to home. Aniston laments over how her relationship could have sunk to such a dysfunctional level. There was anger, shouting, malicious activity and intent from two people who had a short time earlier loved each other deeply.

There were poignant insights that seem so simple yet people who are in a relationship easily overlook them. Aniston was nagging and complaining that he didn’t do the dishes. When he finally gets up to help, he doesn’t display the proper intent. He should have WANTED to do the dishes, she says. To which he replies, “What man wants to do the dishes????” Aniston failed to convey what was really bothering her, she acted like she believed men to be mind readers and expect them to fathom the depth behind every comment.

Her point was that if he really was in love with her and committed to making the partnership work, that should be incentive enough to want to help her (and she shouldn’t have to ask every step of the way). She was trying to express that his apathy was symptomatic of selfish behavior. But instead of phrasing her concerns in a manner that he could understand, she jumped from issue to issue (dishes, incorrect shopping order, not setting table etc.). To him, it sounded like nagging; like complaining that he was a failure; like nothing lived up to her standards. And so the defense mechanisms geared up and presto: World War III. To be fair, the guy in the movie was an ass and acted like an imbecile so I don’t fault Aniston for the breakup. It is the dynamics of a breakup in general that were interesting to me.

In the movie, of course the guy recognizes he was a jerk and insensitive (which is a whole other topic see Guys Are Buffoons here) but it was too late because Aniston said she experienced a ‘SHIFT’ in they way she views him. It was too late, for both of them.

It’s difficult to access those feelings now, but I know my ex and I were truly in love. People thought we were the cutest couple yet somehow the stress of life, fertility, children, and finances took their toll on our marriage. Communication broke down; she didn’t get what she expected from me nor did I from her. A point was crossed from which there could never been any return. And that point marks the SHIFT. Before the shift, I was optimistic that we could get past the negative and reach a point where we could rebuild. But once the shift occurred, the person who I once envisioned an eternity with, was now seen through a different set of eyes. The love has died. No, it was killed.

I’m past the anger and I do wish her the best but I could never imagine ever living with her, let alone loving her, again. The shift is finally complete.

Now back to me, my ex thinks (knows?) I’m an ass. I’ll let her tell that part another time. From my vantage point, our dynamics were similar. I felt that nothing I did was good enough and that she expected to be a mind reader and read her every word like Rashi read the Bible. An innocent question became a springboard for seven different interlocking and branching arguments. Sometimes I just wanted to scream “Just spell it out in English and then problems will get resolved.” But she lived in the past, she never forgave and she never forgot. That I think is her greatest curse; the inability to transition and move forward. She expected all her needs to be met yet she refused to meet my needs. That was selfish. I often gave up my concerns to insure she was happy but even that didn’t work. I lost myself in the venture; negating all that makes me who I am, just to keep her happy. Some people will never know happiness and I fear she is one of them.

Fast-forward to an ongoing relationship I have. I find that I am repeating the errors of my marriage by walking on eggshells lest I say something the wrong way or at the wrong time. I love to be playful and joke around but I feel stifled when I’m told I can only make jokes at certain times. I can’t interrupt her when she is serious because it means I’m not listening. I feel like I’m doing everything in my power to fit her mold and still I’m under appreciated and made to feel incompetent, inadequate and often criticized. Doesn’t sound like a recipe for success. I feel that I go well out of my way (happily so) to ensure the happiness of my partner and meet her needs because I love her and that’s what a loving partner should want to do for the other. But she doesn’t act the same way. I don’t think I’m at all selfish about my needs but I think she is about hers. So even if she loves me, she will drain me and eventually end up resenting me or I her. I feel like I’m losing myself again. Ain’t life grand?

When I reviewed what I just wrote, I noticed that I’m doing the same thing that I’m accusing the women in my life of doing- expecting my partner to read my mind and realize just how I feel and recognize what needs improvement. I have not expressed these thoughts to her because I didn’t want to hurt her feelings or lose her but in the end the negative feelings don’t just go away, they just lingers to haunt our relationship. I guess it’s important to feel comfortable enough to safely express one’s concerns, needs, and issues.

Unfortunate Amongst Us

Guest appearance by ZeRabbi:
Two Choices What would you do?....you make the choice. Don't look for a punch line, there isn't one. Read it anyway. My question is: Would you have made the same choice? please read the Rabbi Paysach Krohn article about God's Perfection HERE. Then continue below...

...pause...elevator music...pause...

Shay didn't make it to another summer. He died that w inter, having never forgotten being the hero and making his father so happy, and coming home and seeing his Mother tearfully embrace her little hero of the day!

AND NOW A LITTLE FOOTNOTE TO THIS STORY: We all send thousands of jokes through the e-mail without a second thought, but when it comes to sending messages about life choices, people hesitate. The crude, vulgar, and often obscene pass freely through cyberspace, but public discussion about decency is too often suppressed in our schools and workplaces.

If you're thinking about forwarding this message, chances are that you're probably sorting out the people in your address book who aren't the "appropriate" ones to receive this type of message. Well, the person who sent you this believes that we all can make a difference. We all have thousands of opportunities every single day to help realize the "natural order of things." So many seemingly trivial interactions between two people present us with a choice: Do we pass along a little spark of love and humanity or do we pass up those opportunities and leave the world a little bit colder in the process?

A wise man once said every society is judged by how it treats it's least fortunate amongst them.

-ZeRabbi 10/25/06

Fifth (??) Book of the Shulchan Aruch

My child brought home a weekly Parsha sheet with its Mitzvah of the week. I expected to read the latest edition of the chumrah-of-the-week club but instead I was quite impressed.

A young man was being tested on the entire four volumes of the Shulchan Aruch. One of the questions the Rabbi asked him was if he had studied the fifth volume (even though only 4 exist)! The Rabbi then explained, “The fifth volume is common sense…One can know halacha, but still not know how to speak to people…[one] has to be able to read between the lines of the question and see what is truly bothering that person. Sometimes the tone of voice you use…can save or break the person.” A person should know their audience and approach each issue with an open heart and open mind. “Most important, understand that sometimes there is a need to do more than what is written in the Shulchan Aruch.”

WOW!

Postscript: Ari told me, "In my Israeli alma mater, Neveh Yehoshua/Tzion, we were taught that the 5th chaylek of shulchan aruch is the one that says not to apply the other 4 if doing so will make Judaism and Jews look bad."

When Elephants Attack

The big topic for today is Elephants. Attacks by elephants are on the rise worldwide. The New York Times Magazine dated Oct. 8, 2006 has a front-page story titled “Are We Driving Elephants Crazy?” Apparently, elephants of decimated herds have exhibited behavior typically associated with post-traumatic stress disorder. Loss of habitat, culling of herds, and poaching has taken a more devastating toll on those pesky pachyderm's society and ‘culture’ than we ever imagined. The elder matriarchs and caregivers as well as the elder bulls play an important role in keeping the younger males in line. The females teach proper behavior and give the support necessary to deal with the stress, empathy and social regulation. With their absence or reduction from the herd, a very aggressive behavior has been on the rise that mimics post-traumatic distress disorder such as “abnormal startle response, unpredictable asocial behavior, inattentive mothering and hyperaggression.” Similar to humans, emotional attachments to caregivers affect the emotional growth. If the experience is a negative one, for example with the baby elephant witnessing slaughter of its mother or other family member, psychological damage occurs. This negative experience “impairs normal brain and behavior development in young elephants.” When a matriarchal elephant is introduced into a wayward herd or one with relatively young members, she succeeds in bringing about a more recognized social order.

This article illustrates just another example of the irresponsibility of humans towards other members of our planet. It is quite sad to be aware of the collapse of a once thriving society especially since man has been the cause. One can only see a reflection of the failures of human society played out in the animal realm. How have parents emotionally scarred their children? Has the breakdown in the fabric of our society and the loss of its close-knit base added to the aggressive asocial behavior of many of its individuals? Is it to late to rehabilitate our society? Are we going mad (or am I just projecting)?

Is God Green?

Last night on PBS, Bill Moyers had a special about the recent break in the ranks of Evangelical Christians from their all-or-nothing approach to the ideals of the Republican Party line. Moyers states “they are one-fourth of the electorate and white evangelicals voted for the president in 2004 by a four to one margin.” They remain pro-life and anti gay-marriage. However, the shift was in the area of the environment and GLOBAL WARMING. Moyers states, “On February 8 of this year, eighty-six influential evangelical leaders broke ranks with their brethren and called for action on global warming.” While Reverend Pat Robinson and Oklahoma Senator James Inhofe, part of the committee in charge of the environment, believe that global warming is a hoax, many others are beginning to see global warming as scientific fact. “The Reverend Richard Cizik is … Vice President for Governmental Affairs of the National Association of Evangelicals. [which is]… America's most influential Christian lobbying group representing 59 denominations, 45,000 churches, and 30 million believers.” He recognizes that we pump “seven billion metric tons of greenhouse gases annually” and he agrees with the results published “In 2004 [when] the Journal of Science surveyed 928 papers on climate change that were published in peer-reviewed scientific publications and found that quote - "none of the papers disagreed with the consensus."

Kudos to fundamentalists that are willing to recognize the validity of science.

What I found more amazing was Dr. CALVIN BEISNER’s justification for mans’ freedom to pollute and use the world as he pleases. Dr. Beisner helped draft the - The Cornwall Declaration on environmental stewardship, which… called fears of manmade global warming "unfounded." The private market, they said, offers the best way to care for the earth.” He quotes ‘Genesis, chapter one, verse 28. "And God blessed them, and God said unto them, be fruitful, and multiply, and replenish the earth, and subdue it: have dominion over the fish of the sea, and over the fowl of the air, and over every living thing that moveth upon the earth." For Beisner, that verse implies that humans should govern the earth using what he calls "forceful rule..."’

I recall reading Wresting With Angels by Naomi Rosenblatt. She used this verse to prove the opposite. Something more in line with what preacher TRI ROBINSON said; that God created this world. He commissioned us to take care of it. N. Rosenblatt notes that ‘replenish the earth’ comes before ‘subdue’ or having ‘dominion over’. It is our responsibility to see to it that the wonders of God’s creation are properly cared for and preserved for us and our future generations (as well as for their intrinsic value of being God’s handiwork) BEFORE we use them.

My bud, Bob, once told me that he was not worried about the Earth, per se, because the planet has an amazing ability to heal itself. What he fears is that we will destroy the quality of life for our future progeny.

TRI ROBINSON Preached: “God has revealed himself through his creation. He has revealed himself in anyone who would just open their eyes and take a time and the moment to look and see the majesty of the creation…” When we abuse the world we make a mockery of God but WE are the real losers.

The transcript of the Moyers episode can be found here.

Not Your Childhood Battlestar

I remember when I was young…maybe I’m crayyyzee...(Gnarls Barkley); I thoroughly enjoyed the Battlestar Galactica TV series. I was too young to find it overly simplistic. I reveled in the sci-fi adventure, futuristic technology, and mechanical/diabolical Cylons. The series began with a brief history of a long war between man and the machines he created to serve him and the subsequent rebellion. Finally, after many years of war, there was to be a peace treaty. The left-wing politicians, in their infinite gullibility in the ultimate good of people (or in this case Cylons), fell for the trap hook, line, and sinker. The result was a devastating destruction of the human home world. Only a handful of survivors led by Adama, the single voice of caution (that went unheeded), escaped in search of a lost world, all the while pursued by the bloodthirsty Cyclons.

I remember how Black and white every thing was. Who was good or evil? What were the obvious choices? Who was right and who clearly wrong? I easily equated this to my emerging political point of view. I saw this story being played out in the Middle East. I thought peace with Egypt was a trap, I felt the Left was prepared to sell out the Jewish people based on a pipe dream. I lived in a world of black and white. Do what needs to be done no matter what the world thinks, no matter the backlash. Solutions were simple back then.

Fast forward 20+ years. A new version of Battlestar Galactica has entered its second season. It seems that the writers have evolved. This version is exceptional; with great depth, mystery, character development, politics, global issues, and even spirituality. What I find fascinating is that it is the mechanical Cyclons that are deeply spiritual, believing in the one God while the humans are the pagans! The Cylons wrestle with the proper way to convey the word of God. Should it be through force and if so how much do the ends justify the means? The humans fighting for their very survival wrestle with what methods are acceptable forms of resistance? Is suicide bombing justified and how is that any different from sending a soldier into a battle we know he can’t return from? In a long run, how detrimental is it to dehumanize one’s enemy? Can there be dialogue with the enemy? Does any form of cooperation imply collusion or is some level of acquiescence acceptable in the broader picture? Is it proper to sell out your compatriots to save the one you love? Can two very different species attempt to merge and build trust and even loving relations? I think there may also be some sci-fi adventure stuck in there somewhere.

WOW!

My politics have evolved greatly and my appreciation for the much broader picture has brought me to the world of grays. Black and white is reserved for the fantasies of “If only I could just do x, y, & z…” Reality is much more complicated. Through my difficult marriage and subsequent divorce, I learned to be more cognizant of the fact that there is not only one right answer and that I must account for others equally valid(?) positions.

I watch Battlestar Galactica and it gives me a different angle to more objectively view conflict (and other issues). Yet, it’s just a show. It’s not real. It’s a LIE. But I appreciate the insights I draw from the show. This in itself is a lesson. The story may not be true but the ideas and truths it espouses are very real and very true indeed.