Shana Tova

To everyone everywhere, I wish a happy and healthy Jew Year. May this year bring peace to all of God's creation through a collective raised consciousness of humankind.

Homework, Homewreck

Recently I took upon myself a lot of extra homework. My children's homework that is.

An article in the Daily News (9/25/06-yeah six) by Sarah Bennett and Nancy Kalish, authors of "The Case Against Homework," describes a 2006 Duke University review of 180 studies which shows that there is "almost ZERO correlation between homework and achievement in elementary school, and only a minor correlation in middle school. Even in high school, homework benefits decline after two hours." So can any one tell me why I have an hour to 1.5 hrs of homework with my 5th grade son? Even in the lower grades, the time I spent going over homework seemed inordinate. Homework raised the level of tension in my home, created conflicted between me and my already fatigued child. And this new math, forget about it. The wording in the textbooks take simple math and makes it more complex and unnecessarily verbose.

What was interesting was that the article pointed out that the single strongest predictor of better achievement scores was eating dinner together with the family! 10 min per grade was the max recommended. I think it should be a review of what the teacher presented in class. It is the teachers primary role to educate and provide the tools for success in this area. As a parent, I should supplement that with a review but not become the teacher.

And when are children allowed to be children? I remember having time to ride a bike after school and run around with friends (eventually girlfriends). Kids need to play with others to burn off their energy and hone their social skills, which happen to be an integral part of their future success. Kids need to be kids. My father learned from Rav Hutner the following. R. Hutner was asked, "Isn't recess bitul torah?" to which he replied children need that time to reset themselves and they will learn 10 times better after they played.

I ended up reading the book, "The Case Against Homework." I recall it giving stats that countries that give little or no homework are far outshining the rest of the countries that give regular amounts. American educators recognize that we are lagging, so their solution is to expand the load. They demand that the teachers teach more, in less time. One of my daughters is allotted 15 min for recess yet during that time, the class must review the calendar and eat their snack, plus gather their things and be ready to walk across the building to computers. But the system doesn't get it. Recess and enrichment type classes are diminished, students are developing anxiety earlier from all the added stress from school and from their parents who are further pressuring them to keep up. Homework is tearing up the family and hurting the child. Much of the homework is busy work. Homework should review the topic to demonstrate competence. Couldn't English grammar lessons use interesting facts from science or history to at least make the work somewhat interesting to the child? Educators miss the point. School should be teaching kids the skills to acquire knowledge and especially the love of reading and knowledge. An inspired child will more likely be a successful one.

Now I must get back to my own research and homework on the topic.
For a related article see here.
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People Can Be Bird Brained

This week’s Parasha Ki Seitzei, speaks of Shiluach HaKen" [Devarim 22:6-7]. I am reminded of an argument that Tali and a friend had earlier in the summer when they noticed a mother bird hovering over her nest of newly laid eggs. The friend, Judy, was excited to send away the bird and take an egg so she could get the mitzvah but Tali objected. Judy explained that sefer Kol Dodi said it was a segulah for a childless person and for other things as well. Felgercarb (=BS) said Tali and all you battlestar galacticites. Yeah, I know the Torah promises increased days but anyone who is married or has a steady job doesn't necessarily want this.

R. Frand points out that “the teaching of the law of the mother bird's nest is CALLING OUT to him that he should take note: perhaps his practice of the attribute of compassion needs improvement.” Also, “The Talmud [Chulin 141] infers from the tautology (shaleach teshalach) that the law applies even if the birds are needed for a matter involving a mitzvah. Rav Mordechai Katz observes that there is a tendency sometimes to trample on peoples' feelings when we are on the way to do a mitzvah. We may tend to feel that "the performance of the mitzvah takes priority over people's feelings".”

Now, if the purpose of the mitzvah is to teach compassion for the mother bird’s feelings with the ultimate purpose of teaching compassion for all of humankind and God’s creation AND if it teaches that in doing mitzvot that you should take people’s feelings into consideration THEN shouldn’t we take into account the mother’s feeling and not cause it any distress at all just so you can get a mitzvah or try to access some avodah zarah mystical magic. When the pasuk says that you “happen upon” this nest and proscribes how you should take the eggs, the whole reason you are taking them is because you want to eat. There were no Easter egg searches going on back then. So if you need the eggs, take them, but in the most compassionate manner possible. And if you are so compassionate, you merit lengthier days. But if you don’t need the eggs, for God’s sake, don’t distress a living creature for your own sake. Even if you put the eggs back, you have pained the bird who had to flee and not be there to protect her children. And once you get your scent on the egg, the mother may reject that egg or chick that hatches.

Bottom line: keep your hands to yourself, pray directly to God for whatever you need, bypass the voodoo and false promises and buy your eggs at Stop n Shop.

When Nature Calls

When nature calls, I must respond. And thanks to JOC, all goes exceptionally well. What is JOC, you ask? Simply put, it is the Jewish Outdoors Club. They have amazing hikes mostly for moderate to difficult. I recently went on a hike labeled easy but found that they really meant easy if you have super endurance. I did well climbing the mountain and enjoyed the breathtaking views. I thought I had found blueberries but I was told they are Ink berries. The Indians apparently used them for blue dye and ink but they are edible although not as tasty as true blueberries.

There was one thing missing and that was Tali's presence. She abandoned me to do some simple bike ride. I think it was supposed to be around 80 or so miles. Sheesh, I drove my car more than that today alone. What I really respect is that she allows me to partake in my own fun and she isn't threatened (and she need not be). You see, the JOC hike had mostly singles. It isn't marketed as a singles hike and often married people or couples (and even kids) go on these trips. I thought I was supposed to pick up 2 girls and a guy but I ended up in a car filled with women. They were very nice and if only I knew normal guys, I would probably set them up. One even offered to set me up but I did mention that I believed I was on a special path with Tali (assuming she doesn't push me off the cliff for picking up eager women (IN MY CARRRRR)).

After our respective body-breaking activities, I managed to see Tali for a half hour. Even though she was worn from the day, she still looked radiant. I can't get enough of her. So much so that I think my poor mood this past weekend and all the subsequent sequelae (difficulty getting the kids under control, which hasn't be so bad in months), may very well be her fault. Err, I mean, because I missed her so much. She is my anchor, my stabilizing drug. Speaking of which, where is my Alleve?
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Experiencing Sinai

Rabbi Wolfe from Isralight was an amazing addition to the Saw You At Sinai back to camp Labor Day weekend. Aside from good humor, good nature and personable character, he had a seemingly endless supply of magical metaphors (and similes). It appeared to me that he was able to grap the essence of experience of the Divine. Simple ideas made connection to God and even practice of religion not only palatable but desirable.

For example, he described sheet-music. When you look at it, what you see is cold, very mathematical, complicated, calculated, and unfeeling. But when you play it, the music comes alive, your body moves in tandem to the beat, your spirit soars. So too with Halachah. He didn't claim that it was the only mechanism but it is the mechanism which we have successfully used over thousands of years to experience God. Halachah is very technical and cold but when you live it, it is transformed and it transforms you. It directs you on a mission to be a light unto the nation and achieve tikkun olam.

He also described halachah as a window. We spend time cleaning our window, people compete to say my window is better and shinier than others but they fail to realize that the window is just the means to go beyond. The purpose is to see the view and that view is God. People get lost in their window never using it to its proper end.

It was a spiritually satisfying and physically rewarding weekend. I have to rate Sinai as THEEE best shabbaton I have ever been on. They (all 3 back to camp weekends) have never failed me. One caveat. This weekend was a liberal/conservadox weekend. It wasn't the uptight machmir Nachamu. I hear that nachamu was stiff and awkward, less feeling. They didn't want to sing havdalah (so I heard). We had such an emotional havdalah with guitar and singing and dancing. Poor Nachamu machmirites lost in their own rigid window never allowing themselves to glimpse the essence and experience of God. How sad for them.

Just remember life is full of sheet-music.
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Fit To Be Tied

Ropes. I like 'em. NO, not in the way you are all imagining (unfortunately). Camp Lavi had the best ropes course yet. The easiest was the zip line. More challenging yet was the 'triangle' whereby three trees become the course for three different rope tasks. The first leg, involves walking across a rope while holding another rope dangling from above from a second much higher line. As you move across, you need to reach the second dangling rope to keep yourself up and so on down the line. Tali was fearless. She has no idea how much her stock(ings) went up with that show of will and courage.

The second leg has two parallel wires which you grip with either hand and lean forward to step on a U-shaped rope dangling from those two wires. You walk from one U to the next until the next tree. The last leg involved two cables holding small planks (looks like a railroad track). You walk across this unsteady step-walkway with no hands. Yikes.

The last ropes course was very challenging. A log was suspended high up between two trees. Dangling was a ladder made of long 2x4's attached to two cables (like a ladder). But this ladder had the boards VERY far apart, progressively so. You had to use team work to help each other to the next rung. I used my knee as a step for Tali and she allowed me to pull myself up by locking wrists. You were not allowed to use the safety line. Once on the log and safe on the platform on opposite sides, you walk back onto the log towards the middle. A rope is used for support. It is attached to the tree waist high but its length only goes to middle of the log. Once both people reach the center, they reach and grab the others rope and carefully maneuver around each other and make the way to the opposite side.

My entire body is black and blue but it was totally worth it. Tali wondered why her bruises showed up to a lesser extent and mine were so obvious as you plainly see in the photo. I explained that it was a metaphor for the difference between men and women. It is obvious to others what a man is feeling. He keeps things on the surface while the woman ponders, mulls things over before exposing herself (you know what I mean).

Tali believes the rope ladder is a metaphor for relationships because it was not meant to be done alone. Teamwork, trust, dependence and leaning on each other was the path to success. Kudos my metaphoric woman!

We played roller hockey, went canoeing, swimming in the lake, danced, sang by a bonfire, saw two shooting stars, and much more. It was a good crowd. Some nebishes on either side, as expected, but a good portion had potential to make something of themselves.

There were a few couples as well as one engaged couple on the weekend. The thought behind couples going to a singles event is that it was an inexpensive way to do all these wonderful things. Some may need to test the strength of their relationship while others relish the entire camp experience that you just can't get by planning a private getaway.

I find that whoever went with the attitude they were going to have a good time and along the way get to meet nice people and possibly someone special, they weren't disappointed. While anyone who went with the singular focus of finding a shidduch almost always comes home unfulfilled. Secret: If you are having fun, living in the moment, smiling and laughing, that will be the draw. Then you can, not only have a good experience but have a better chance at meeting the right person.

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Saw You At Sinai 2008

Fantastic Saw You At Sinai back to camp weekend. More on that later.

I was stuck by a heated debate regarding when to divulge information that can influence/hurt a shidduch. Some of my divorced friends at the table were quite emphatic about the importance of providing strategic information (not just spreading rumors). A marriage is one of the most major decisions in life and as with all weighty prospects all variables should be properly considered. It is then up to the parties involved to pursue the information, clarify and decide for themselves if the 'damning' information is indeed so or if it can be accepted. We all have faults, after all. What may be unacceptable to you may be manageable for me.

What struck me was that the majority of the others including the rabbi felt quite strongly that unless it is physical abuse (AS IF mental abuse doesn't matter), for the sake of the shidduch, one should refrain from revealing information. You can't imagine how dumbstruck I was by this reaction. How myopic!

I later reflected on their motivation. Of course, they felt that they didn't want to hurt anyone and they didn't want to be the one that interfered in a shidduch and thus take the blame for relegating a friend to more years of loneliness. Noble enough. HOWEVER, they fail to consider the flip side. Shouldn't a person know the truth and then make a conscientious decision? What if you could have saved them from many tortuous years living with the unbearable or spending years and countless fortunes in civil court or be bullied by religious court? Two people who can't accept all (ok, most) aspects of their spouse are going to have a hard, if not miserable marriage. What kind of environment will their children grow up in when there is so much tension or unresolved issues? I can tell you first hand that emotional distress from a difficult relationship is excruciatingly painful, perhaps as much as physical abuse.

Hellllooooo, you're getting married, you are supposed to be an adult, you should be able to make rational decisions! You are not a foolish child (perhaps you are) that your friend's have to protect you. GROW UP, ALL OF YOU!

The real underlying issue can be lack of perspective, especially on the part of the overprotective friend. They see marriage as THE GOAL and they could possibly interfere with you crossing the finish line. But marriage is not the goal, it is only the means whereby two people could actualize their potential, could find happiness and satisfaction. But there you go and feel you are doing them a favor when in reality you could have prevented the wrong people, two people who wouldn't be good for each other, from getting together. Marriage, for them, is a recipe for disaster. At least clue them in and let them take responsibility for their choices.

People can modify some behavior with a lot of work but personalities don't change much (barring good drugs). Book of Proverbs 22:6, says 'Train up a child in the way he should go, even when he is old he will not depart from it.' But the point is to teach him according to his ways/personality because even in his old age his personality won't deviate. The education must reflect the needs of each individual personality so that it can be accepted and incorporated. This person with the character flaw ain't gonna change just because he met a nice spouse.

So, be smart, consider the facts, make a conscientious decision. Your decision has far reaching consequences. In the end, the ultimate decision should be yours.

So, let the buyher beware (and get out of the lending library).