Back To School Night-mare

I'm sure I'll be getting notes home as to why my child doesn't have his work done, is unprepared for the test, is so disorganized, is daydreaming in class etc. Mea culpa, lay it on. But first there are a few things I need to bring to the techer's attention (most of whom had the summer off, or in the very least had that option). I would expect that there would be a comprehensive list of school supplies, required for your class, posted well before school started. Instead, I am given a generic list, I somehow find time in my busy schedule to shop (and frankly as a man I resent every second of that experience) only to find out that some items aren't needed. Then comes day two of school and there are more things to buy, different notebooks or folders and you want them by tomorrow. Well it ain't gonna happen so fast. I work til 8pm and cant wait to come home and try to finish all the excess homework that the kids forgot. Shop? No way! I need more advance notice. I have no spouse to run errands while I work (I guess that's really why men marry). So it will have to wait. And why did it have to go down like this in the first place?

I wonder how come I have to go to back to school night (taking off work and losing money that pays for tuition) to find out how the class is run, what color folders gets which course designation, homework policy etc. Shouldn't there be a clearly defined mission statement sent out to the parent at the start of school or earlier? My son was given a 21 question sheet on a book he read that night. OMG. He worked himself silly. Well at back to school night, the teacher said he only has to answer ONE question a week. WELL, HELLO....Do ya think you can write that at the top of the page?!? How can you expect a third grader to get all the particulars straight and even if he does, it isn't clear to me. Tension ensues.

Parenthetically, there is always one helicopter/overachiever parent in the bunch. One woman's God-honest comment: "Do you give extra credit for more homework done?....Frankly I love homework...at least they aren't wasting time...Am I the only parent who likes homework?" Holy Crap on a Popsicle, Batman. I said directly and firmly "Indeed you are." What I wanted to say was, "Shut the hell up, you and people like you are ruining it for the rest of us regular folk who want our children to experience childhood, to run and play and not have ever-looming pressure to do work, to succeed, or to make the parent/teacher happy." Read my post, "Homework, Homewreck" and the book, "The Case Against Homework, and you'll learn some of the real pitfalls of homework and how it destroys the family.

Back to our regularly scheduled rant on back to school night 2010.
On a more positive note, one of the rebbes was asked about homework grading, to which he replied that he uses it as a guide to see where the child is holding and its main purpose is review. He said that he wants the children to develop a love for learning rather than resentment and frustration. I nearly fainted. If he was a missionary, I would've got down on my knees right then and there and converted to whatever he was pushing. Now folks, THAT"S A REAL TEACHER! He gets it, he recognizes that training kids with the skills to succeed must be done through positive means. If a child loves something, he will seek it out and further his knowledge and education but if he resents it, he will shut his mind. It isn't the volume of information that must be absorbed that matters, rather it is the basics, the skills, and the desire that make success attainable.

So cut the homework insanity because frankly I don't want to have to repeat elementary school.
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Cataclysmic Discovery

I really was surprised by the letter I found in my son's backpack. He is in first grade and by all the teachers accounts, he is the bottom of the class but he shows diligence. I was expecting another scathing commentary on my lack of parenting skills that contribute to his delinquency. Well, this letter was not from the teacher but something he wrote on his own, for himself. It struck me how much my own actions can have a profound affect on others. I'm not even going to mention the recent fiasco that you have been so avidly following. Instead, I refer you back to this post. I made a decision I felt was in our families ultimate physical best interest but without realizing its long-term detrimental mental impact. Unfortunately, there are choices to be made that hurts, where either choice has its undesirable consequences. I can only use all the information I have to make the decision I feel is best for me and my kids. I originally decided not to type out what he wrote because I scanned it in, covering his name but in case your linguistic interpretive skills are infantile, here is what it says: I love my cat and I miss my cat and I wish my cat came back and my cat is so cute. Love....

Beyond A Doubt

-"Halacha course canceled due to lack of interest."

That was the shocking yet vaguely amusing announcement we heard over the PA. It was my Junior year in an orthodox day school in what is now a very frum community. Apparently some administrator took it upon himself to actually consider areas of student interest, or disinterest for that matter, even to the point of sidelining a hallmark of Jewish education. Obviously, it is imperative for a religious student to absorb the tenants of the faith or in the very least be aware of the rules which he is breaking. It's somehow more fun that way. But that year was to be robbed of its mischievous transgressions. If we didn't know the laws, we couldn't be guilty of violating them nor would we have the temptation to do so in the first place. Shlomo Auslander has a great related article (Hat tip:NJG).

But what is it about Halacha that seemed so useless to our school yet always served me well in cure of insomnia or as a coaster? For all of you who heard about halacha but never got to read from the text, the answer is this. It's just page after page of dry, boring facts that requires an equivalent of a law degree to become proficient. At the time, I just shrugged and said, "Great!"

But I have come to appreciate the significance behind that moment, even more so lately. I guess I had gotten used to years worth of technical educational manuals that I had forgotten what it was like to learn about life through the fictional escapades of others. Much more illuminating and better retained are the gleaned words of wisdom or useful insights from stories, in the context of an enjoyable parable rather than from dry lists.

I recently listened to the book-on-tape, The Salmon Of Doubt, compiled from Douglas Adam's writings. One 2-page story, entitled "Cookies," made a great impression upon me. Go to your library and read in the real book page 150-1 for the full flavor. Should you proceed here further, you can save a quarter on inter-library loan because I do reveal the punch line. In brief, he was sitting at a table waiting for a train with his package of cookies, coffee and a newspaper. Opposite him was a businessman who proceeded to open the package of cookies and eat one of the cookies! Douglas said nothing but ate the next of his cookies and then the man ate the following. Douglas was upset but didn't know how to deal with this affront. His tension was building as was his righteous indignation. When the package was finished the man walked off. He then looked under his paper and found his own sealed package of cookies beneath his paper. He had been eating the other man's cookies all along while that man quietly suffered the infraction!

Douglas had been so sure of his take on what was happening, considered rebuking the man, was horrified and yet resigned to refrain from confrontation. His reality during those moments seemed as clear to him as anything else he would bet his life on but one little itty bitty fact was missing and that changed the entire meaning and context of his exchange. Could there really exist another perspective?

My friend complained to me recently about the character of another friend's wife pointing to the fact that she never sent a thank you card to him for a wedding gift sent 10 years ago. First off, I was surprised he remembered who sent him thank you cards and that he could hold a grudge so long. Secondly, I told him Douglas' story and asked him to consider if his gift was lost in the mail, or her thank you card was lost as well. Perhaps, the husband had agreed to write it and failed to do so thus absolving the wife. I asked him to take a step back and consider there might be alternate realities than the one he felt so grounded in. It's a lesson that could be summed up in a book of facts as "Don't jump to conclusions or off cliffs for that matter" or "Things may not be as they seem on the surface unless you're actually on the surface" or "Don't judge a book by its cover unless its pornography" but in the absence a very telling context they are just neat sayings that are so passe. Instead, Douglas Adams succeeded in forever implanting his insight into my mind in a way no dry text could ever. So drop your textbooks and pass me a trashy novel.

Please feel free to share your own stories about some faux paxs based on the third person omniscient, "If our hero had only known..."