Jaws of Life

This holiday be the first on your block to experience the Jaws of Life. An expert crafted, unique design, tailored to allow you to rip away the klipah, outer-coating, that distorted mangled materialistic worldly garment you wear day-in and day-out, to finally rescue and expose your inner divine soul.

You don't need police, firefighters or Tzivos Hashem to show up in your time of need. This prayerbook-sized, hand-held, mind-meld, can-opener for the soul is available to you for a nominal fee. So, you devil you, turn in your horns or shofars and get cranking!

This year, may we all be incised in the Jaws of Life!

Forgiveness Settlement Agency

We will settle your spats, arguments, wrongdoings this holiday for half the tension you normally would experience when you, yourself, directly ask for forgiveness from the offended party. We offer also a discounted 3/4 off any anticipated righteous indignation, and GET THIS, 1/3 the unwanted attitude and 1/4 off the stonewalling or whining. You may find this service especially useful when dealing with ex-spouses or significant others. Imagine no guilt-trips, tears, yelling, withholding basic marital obligations, and the all important passive-aggressive behaviors that usually accompany the smoothing over process. And let's face it, who wants to make all that small talk anyway? Do you really even care about being friends as much as relieving your guilt over an uncomfortable situation?

As for those sins between you and God, we have a service where we will fax the graves of famous arbitrators (whose spirit will surely work on your behalf), as well as, well-know non-Easterly facing walls, with notes detailing your position and why His forgiveness is the only logical choice. For an extra fee it can be voice messaging as well.

Tired of sitting hours in prayers? Well we have pre-recorded prayers that can be placed on you designated chair in your local temple. (James Earl Jones voice-over add 15%). Let's face it, you have no idea what you're saying and God has heard it all before.

Is fasting not your 'thing'? Our stunt doubles are there for you. Trained in self denial (usually previously married men), they will suffer for your sins. (Where have I heard that one before?)

Remember this year, forgiveness can not only be an easy one but it can also be FAST.
Open up your FSA account, today!

Altar-native Lifestyle

Rosh Hashanah sets the tone for the year. So for all of us who slept late, through prayer, & napped in the pm- may it be a restful, dream filled year!
Such were the great words of the Altar of Chelm.

This past year, as now, many of us have set out on our quest for the Holy Grail. Inspired by the Rosh Hashanah reading of the binding of Isaac, we too wish to journey to the altar in order to make our ultimate sacrifice. Note to self: choose the blade.

There are two types of altars in the Bible: Mizbe'ach and MaTzeivah. The first is made of multiple components and the second of a single stone. It is significant that the last Torah reading before Rosh Hashanah is always Netzvavim (which has the same root as MaTzeivah). In that Parsha, R.Frand notes that the transfer of leadership has the people assembled (netzavim) as a unified one, accepting the new ruler. On Rosh Hashanah we assemble before God as one people unified in our acceptance of the oneness and singular rulership of God.

But why did the Torah elsewhere exhort us NOT to made a MaTzeivah of/for ourselves?" For accepting Divine rule, there, it is necessary to be of singular mind. But in human existence being one or by oneself isn't ideal. Spiritually, a person who is standing still as a single, solid golem-like MaTazeivah, is uni-dimensional. The Torah wants us to be more than that, to always progress, to move forward and not stagnate (That's why Nitzavim is often connected to Vayelech- our leaders mission is to take these intransient obstinate people and move them forward spiritually and socially). We need to strive to higher levels, refine our character, and overcome our baser nature.

Socially, people were not created to live in a vacuum (Hoover or otherwise) or as hermits. Being alone makes one focus only on himself. But when joined with a partner, he would be challenged to be a better person, learn how to give and not be self-centered so that the two could share and enjoy in life's journey. As with Abraham and Isaac, the altar is the test. Which altar we choose for ourselves could very well determine what kind of altar we merit finding.
-

Fasting

So what do you think about all day when you fast? Do you inspect the errors of your ways and plan to modify your behavior? Or do you do what everyone else did yesterday on facebook..."I'm hungery...headaaachhhhe...one hour to go..." or bake all day in anticipation of the end of the fast?

Instead of elevating the mind to contemplate God or the meaning of historical tragedies, in the end, pushing the body to such levels of deprivation, focuses us almost entirely on our body and its needs. Food and drink become the holy grail, the new messiah that we anxiously anticipate.
-

Tisha B'av Excellent Adventure

For only $19.95 you too can have a temple to the Lord!..

As I sat on my floor, legs akimbo, my mind contemplated the great words of our sages Wayne & Garth (ty shoshana), "We're not worthy, we're not worthy..." I reflected on the human tragedy depicted in Eichah, on our national calamity and loss of our temple. I considered if I felt we, as a people, deserved to have our temple rebuilt (as if I had any right to pass judgment at all). I considered the recent chilum Hashem publicized in the press. I compared the shortcomings of our ancestors, whose errant ways led to constant castigation by our prophets and eventually to the fall of our temple and exile from our land. "There is nothing new under the sun," says Ecclesiastes. And indeed there is nothing new in human nature. Our past only vaguely serves to warn us of the dangers of our unwitting actions. Denial allows us to wander in a blissful haze and we feel broadsided when life and reality hits us over the head. We don't properly consider the implications and impact of our actions. "No one will catch us, who will it hurt?" we rationalize to ourselves. But our actions have universal implications, far beyond the individual, the family, the nation. Religion directs us to grow spiritually, to evolve beyond the limitations that nature imposes on our physical and cognitive being.

My hydration deprived brain began to sway back and forth regarding rebuilding the temple. As I considered my very own thoughts, that our nature and tendencies have not been perfected and that we have not corrected the errors of the past, I wondered if that was really a criteria for having a temple. The second temple's building was not contingent upon it. Maybe its building would aid in strengthening our religious identification. Then again who could really identify with worship through sacrifices, in this day and age.

My stomach growled as I accepted that there won't be any building of a temple soon. I lamented the tragedies of the past, lessons unlearned, warnings unheeded. I lamented that as a species with the greatest potential, we have so far to go to become truly good. For these I mourn.

Im EshKachaych Yerushalayim TishKach Yeminee
(I think I must have forgotten Mecca because my left wrist is messed up)

Dairy Heir

I was never satisfied with the reasons given for our tradition of eating dairy on Shavuot, although quite satisfied with the cheesecake. Gematrias of chalav (=milk) equaling 40, which amazingly enough corresponds to the days Moses was on the Mt...feh! We could have used the same letters to spell chevel (=rope) and required that we tie each other up in ropes to symbolize our bondage to God.

But recently I read something interesting on the Aish site. The tradition for eating dairy symbolizes our recognition that all our needs in this world are provided for by God just as a mother gives of herself to her child. What is milk? It is the most elemental form of sustenance for a newborn. It has everything that the baby needs to flourish. On this holiday, our fledgling nation is given the Torah, the spiritual sustenance that will nourish it and allow it to grow to spiritual heights.

And we stay up all night, like babies, to milk it for all it's worth.
-

Season of Misgivings

Tis the season not only to be freezin' but experience emotional turmoil. There are some lucky people out there who spend time with their loved ones, exchanging gifts and cherishing their time together. Many other people have come to dread the holidays because it brings an acute awareness of their loneliness or they become depressed. For me, aside from all the previous posts about Tali and how much I miss her, there is something else that really attacks my psyche. While others suffer Seasonal Affective Disorder and the like, I suffer aWrapnophobia. Not a fear of spiders nor or ghetto music, no, it is the fear of having to wrap all the gifts for Chanukah's and Christmas. I'm having misgivings about all these givings.

I used to work at Macy's and there I learned the fine art of wrapping while hanging out at the gift wrapping department. The reason for those sojourns are for another time. I watched intently at their techniques and thought I mastered it. But now so many gifts come in odd shaped boxes especially those things like discmans that come in this hard plastic body wrap. Not only is it shape not conducive to fine wrapping, it posses, at least to me, a mortal danger when attempting to cut it open. I almost gave in one night to respond to an infomercial about a special cutting blade specifically designed just for such packaging. But in the end, I decided to live dangerously and just take my chances.

So, although I thought I was the Tupac of wRapping, I concede defeat. I'm not as anal as I used to be and just don't have the patience anymore. In ten seconds all the effort will be torn away, crumpled up and used to line the litter box. I give up, just be happy I found time to get you a gift.