Filthy-Rich

{Southern drawl} My momma told me that her own momma used to say that you can find a good man who is rich just as well as one who is poor. {Resume normal vocalizations}To be clear, this was not meant to be passed on to me as such nor was I taking her words literally for me. I wasn't even interpreting it to mean that I can just as easily find a sweet, pretty woman who is also financially stable. Money and I don't seem to get along very well. Like any good mathematician or scientist with conflicting data, I factored it out of my life.

I have had occasion to impart momma's wisdom upon many an unsuspecting female, though. One woman's story, in particular, begins in a quandary. In the midst of turmoil as to whether to walk away from a rich but unattractive man, she was told by her friends that she "would be crazy to do so, she could learn to find him attractive, he is high society, after all." Now all those friends of hers that were looking out for her financial well-being have no concern at all for her emotional well being nor do they have a clue as to what it takes to have a successful relationship. The worst thing of all is that these friends are ruining it for all of us laymen, blue-collar, average Joe's, who are, by our own accounts, nice and good hearted but lacking in that one particular area (no, not that! Unfortunately, no testimonies available upon request).

I felt it was my duty to take the ancient wisdom that I had imprinted upon my brain and reinterpret it in light of more enlightened cultural progress and in the spirit of equality and progressive psychologically sound thinking (stop laughing please). "Friends and family may have aspirations for your acquiring a filthy-rich man," said I, "but sometimes for the sake of sanity and happiness you just have to settle for filthy."

Astronaut's Perspective

As with any divorce, I have my share of financial problems. Some are my own fault, some are the ex's and some are just the nature of the beast and what life throws my way. I try not to let it eat at me as much as it used to. There was a point when things were so bad that I literally felt like crying and had even sought the counsel of a bankruptcy lawyer. Thank God the tide had changed and is moving in the right direction albeit at a petty pace. One needs only to look at the fortune of others to gain perspective on their own fortune. We meet people with failing health, loss of loved ones, overall those less fortunate than ourselves. We meet people who do everything right and are handed sickening verdicts from deranged judges and scheming lawyers.

I recall a very powerful drasha that has lasted with me since high school. The main thrust was that a person should ask themselves why they witnessed or heard about a given event (tragedy or otherwise). What is lacking in me that I witnessed an accident on the side of the road? Am I a reckless driver and need to slow down or perhaps that would be an inspiration to join Hatzolah? Another person's judicial nightmare makes me want to be easier on my ex and avoid court as much as possible.

A good friend of mine purchased a business a few years ago and recently I found out that it was not only failing but he max-ed out his credit cards and couldn't even make this months rent. Tears were welling up in his eyes as he talked to me especially when he described how his wife broke down in tears when she found out their savings were lost. All the money they could have used for their kids college fund or for family vacations gone up in smoke. What doesn't kill you makes you stronger he quoted, 'but this will kill me,' he concluded. He couldn't look me in the eye when he described how the loss of the business made him feel like a failure, a failure as a man, the breadwinner, the one responsible for the security of his family. If I had anything of my own to give, I would have. I briefly considered letting him use my credit card but I'm already 10's of thousands on credit. I just listened instead and watched him leave, a broken man.

I recently watched Astronaut Farmer about a man determined to go into space against all odds. He stood up to the government, ridicule, and risked his families farm and all their savings for his dream. I half wanted it to be a realistic ending and a depressing failure. Well life ain't like the movies folks. Sometimes 'You got to know when to hold 'em, know when to fold 'em, know when to walk away and know when to run.'-(Kenny Rogers) But when a person has a vested interest, walking away with a moderate loss is painful to the point where he convinces himself that he can turn it even at the risk of devastating loss. But more than that, the emotional investment has been substantial, he hadn't had a good night sleep in months. He needs to be set free and with time, forgive himself for life beyond his control. He has an amazing talented, musical family, the kind of family you see in shows from the 50's and 60's. I hope he can climb out of his hole and rebuild his blessed life.

And now I thank God for all he has given me. My perspective while viewing on-high is that my situation is far better than many others and certainly not worth bitching about.

Damn it.

The Code

Apparently there exists a CODE, immutable and inviolable. The penalty for its transgression is ostracism, scorn, and perhaps a black eye. The code to which I refer is, 'Thou shall not covet thy best friends EX-girlfriend'. It is of this I write today and let the pieces fall where they may.

What an awkward situation. Over the past few weeks my Bud had detailed to me the troubles in his relationship and how his woman, Cassi, has been at odds with him, pushing for a different level of interaction than he believed he was already providing. She finally ended their few-month relationship.

A VERY short time later I asked her to join me at a club just to get out and have some fun. I had no intentions for anything more, nor did she. We talked extensively about many areas of common interests. As the night progressed and the music held sway, our eyes locked. Unexpected and unintentional though it was, it was, nonetheless, captivating.

Now what? How do I break it to Bud? Obviously he would have liked to continue with Cassi but she didn't feel they were meant for each other (and he didn't seem too upset about it). And what of the Code??? I thought for about a week and could not think of any gentle way to tell him without hurting his feelings but, of course, within a week he found out anyway. He was PISSED to say the least and told me we couldn't be friends if I act this way.

What could I do? Give up a decade of friendship? Risk losing a life partner or was she just another passing fancy? Not an easy call.

So I went to Cassi's house that evening and told her the timing was wrong and a long-term relationship with the intent on merging our families impossible. I couldn't believe that she started to cry, which was odd because we went out twice over the span of only one week. I felt horrible that she became so attached and I know if I had gone out with her a while longer I would have as well. Then I patched things up with Bud but in the end there were no winners here. Cassi won't speak to me or Bud, Bud's feelings trampled, I lost a girlfriend, friends of friends somehow got dragged into things and others don't speak with each other anymore. YIKES, with great power comes great responsibility!

Some unresolved thoughts on the matter revolve around considering a buddy's feeling but at the same time recognizing that he is no longer a contender for a relationship with this woman. Why is it OK for another man to ask her out and have a chance at love but by virtue of my friendship, I am penalized? Does any person have the right to dictate to another who they can or can not date? Obviously, if he was still courting her, pining away for her, or their situation not clearly delineated to the point where it was clear that at least one party was not interested, then of course, no one would sanction a cock-block. But once it is clear that the relationship is over, anyone should be free to date her.

If the situation was reversed and I was put out to pasture, I would obviously mourn my lost opportunity but I would not begrudge him the right to find happiness. Yes, it would hurt but better a good friend of mine than some dumb loser. I would have put aside my petty jealousy or insecurity for his happiness.

Post divorce, with children, increasing in years, limits the pool of datable women. Invariably, we are going to overlap in this area. Further limiting that pool based on some code is ridiculous. Does dating someone somehow confer the right to have ANY say in her future relations or mine, for that matter? To some it does. I don't necessarily agree and every situation must be evaluated on its own merit. What if that fateful evening occurred 2 months, 6 months, one year later? Does that change the rules? How long is acceptable time to wait before asking out a buddy's ex-girlfriend? Is there anytime? Should one have to ask permission? What about here, where it just happened and wasn't even planned? What about if the same thing occurred 6 months or a year henceforth? Would it make a difference if they were going out for a long time? If he had been in love with her? If he had mentioned that he intended to win her back?

I know I'm playing with fire expressing these thoughts so I caution you all to please, remember, during this holiday season, to put the EX back in Xmas.

Check out a great set of articles (17+) at the Nondating Life blog about dating.

The Meeting

Well it finally happened. I decided to meet a long time blogger of the opposite sex. My friend had gone out with her about a year ago but the relationship ended. I started following her blog since then and as of late we have been speaking on the phone. She has a great laugh and finds my corny humor warped albeit in a good way. I meant to bring a great BBC series called coupling to watch but I forgot it. She was kind enough to treat me to dinner. We danced to Regina Spektor's music, specifically Fidelity and Better. The music itself was the force behind the following. What was memorable was feeling that we were in a movie where the guy and the girl finally embrace and the music rises to a feeling good crescendo. It was a cool feeling. I don't mean to imply that we were at that level, we had only just met. It was a pleasant encounter.

I made plain my intentions, though, that I wasn't interested in a serious relationship and that we should stay friends. Let's see if that's possible. I really hope not to mislead or cause someone to fall for me (maybe this is just my ego talking now and she never would have had such intentions anyway). She has a quality that many women I went out with don't have, a totally accepting personality. Issues are not complicated, things are understandable, live life and all is cool. NO DRAMA.

This post is unrelated to the fiasco of the upcoming post. Although I suspect that someone will connect the two in an unnecessary, off-the-mark way.

Conflict of Interest

Friends we make during our year abroad, post high school, seem to be the ones we can never get rid of, er, I mean, are the ones we remain so close with that even after long hiatuses we just pick up where we left off. I was lucky enough to go to a small yeshiva in Israel with a lot of personal attention and a fine group of guys. If I had to do it all over again, the one thing I would change is I would make the yeshiva co-ed.

This brings me to my friend Jonathan. He was so homesick, that regularly after night seder a group of us would sit with him, cheer him up, and ultimately convince him to stay in Israel just a little longer. He was very shy and had never spoken to a woman. We discussed women, dating, dancing, hanging out among other things but we thought he would always be the same old Johnny. After my marriage, I lost touch with him for some time.

Lo and behold, a few years later he became Mr. Upper West Side. Always having large groups of Shabbat guests including women!! I nearly fainted. He was now confident and TALKATIVE. He knew how to chat up the ladies. What a metamorphosis! But life is cruel and he had some crippling injuries that made him unable to work and he's always in pain although he hides it well. So his dating record took a nosedive. Years go by, more surgeries, poor results. But we seem to converse more often now (I guess because I'm single again and so we are in a similar stage).

A few months ago, he called with a question. His best friend Robert is pursuing this woman even though she keeps him at arms length. Jonathan and other friends get the sense that she is interested in Jonathan instead of Robert. So, should he ask her out or in the very least attempt to find out if she has feelings towards him? The serious issue being does he stab his best friend in the back while he looks out for his own best interests? Remember, his prospects are extremely limited; perhaps he should jump on the opportunity regardless of his friend’s stated intentions and feelings. I advised him to, at least through the grapevine, find out if she likes him or Robert or neither. Jonathan remained steadfast about never compromising his friend's feelings or steal his thunder. In fact, he tried to help Robert’s case by frequently mentioning his name to her with a positive spin. He put his little guy in neutral and remained loyal to his best friend. He was entirely selfless.

Last night he told me that in the end, he found out that she was interested in neither of them but liked them as friends. This episode had lasted over many months, and yet he restrained himself, so I commended him for showing me how a true friend and gentleman acts. I thanked him for giving me a life lesson just as he in turn thanked me for those I had given him all those years ago.

Now look were it got us...

Singles Comingle

A single guy moved into our neighborhood and put into action a plan that had been spoken of for years but never realized. Why not have all the singles get together on Shabbat afternoon and develop a strong support system? Brilliant, but who was going to organize it? No one, that is, until he came along. There have been a few gatherings so far but I have been so busy with my kids that I felt I couldn’t get away. In reality, I had no excuse because the invitation clearly stated children are welcome so as to encourage full participation. So, when my niece popped over in the afternoon, I politely begged her to watch the kids for an hour while I indulge myself in the guilty pleasure of adult socialization. I decided not to bring the children because I would end up being the babysitter and never get a chance to really connect with anyone. Everyone must have had the same idea or have had enough of their children because no one brought them!

As an aside, one of my buddies was there. His current girlfriend was horrified to hear that he would be attending a singles event. He explained that this was more of a support system than a meet-market. I happened to share his take on the reason for this group and figured that we could all share some stories from the trenches and maybe someone knows someone who know someone…But truth be told, in the back of my mind I was hoping to meet a someone special. Perhaps we all did. So I guess my buddy’s girlfriend has reason to feel insecure.

I found the crowd very pleasant and engaging and I do look forward to more gatherings.

I am currently reading a section of Mom’s House, Dad’s House by Isolina Ricci that has offered me some perspective on this new group and how to view the people there. Dr. Ricci points out that a mistake newly divorced people have when meeting others of the opposite sex is that they immediately evaluate them based on all the qualities that they would require in a mate. There obviously is a proper time for those analyses but it is important to expand your circle of friends and support systems. The qualities that can make a good friend are not as stringent as those for Mr. Right or Ms. Wonderful. Social relations need not be predicated solely upon the search for a new mate. There are things we need to do to increase our ‘personal income’; things that satisfy our emotional needs so that we can in turn be better givers to our children and others. I have neglected this area for too long; played the martyr and have succeeded only in draining myself as well as my patience. I need to expand my circle or support and have some downtime to recharge my batteries.

Hey maybe this new group could offer a new perspective on life. And seeing a nice smile once in a while can go along way to brighten my spirits.