Our LOT In Life

Ten levels of speech were given to the world and women took nine. So sayeth the Medrash. Mohammad peered into the ten levels of hell to find nine inhabited by women. So sayeth Islamic lore. Misogynistic, you say? Well, shed your burqa and eat a boraka and let’s move on because I can’t rewrite folklore.

Legend has it that human’s have been given a finite amount of words to utter in their lifetime, after which, said-person would expire in an instant just like your parking meter did when the DOT officer came by. You may have even recognized her from Mohammad’s vision. But don’t even think of having words with her or any woman, for that matter, because you can’t win. The message is to be cautious with your speech. So save your words for productive purposes and ultimately for your fate. It is said that we can shape our own destiny and one sure fire way to survive is to keep the lip zipped.

The concept of Divine word allotment got me wondering. Not only wondering but also worrying. Worrying about the scarcely mentioned legend of Alot. The one where you thank God a-lot for it but unfortunately can’t get it a-lot (no, not that). You see, I went on a date last night. Incredibly, every stop we made in Manhattan, I found excellent parking. I found it by her apartment, TWICE (don’t we all wish to experience it twice…), by the concert hall, by the two cafes we checked out. Maybe, just maybe I was using up my parking allotment. For some reason, God isn’t as generous with city parking as with the gift of gab. I just knocked off a lifetime of parking passes without uttering a word.

Kill me now.

ALONE-ness

There are two types of Alone-ness that have been recently identified through an informal survey of divorced men. The first is really a no brainer to understand: the alone-by-myself. There are guys who have been through emotion and financial hell. Heck, let's call it the all-inclusive-trip to HELL. And now they need to escape, to cut that trip short, change course, a time to disengage, step back and lick the wounds. A time to breathe a sigh of relief and get some SPACE. Shields up! Any potential female is an alien with rotating phaser frequencies that can never be fully modulated for. And wouldn't luck have it, the universal translator can't break their code. You can't win.

Time to set course away from the event horizon of the black hole and find a dense nebulae to recoup and regroup. Being alone breaks the toxic experience. It allows the mind to breathe a bit, feel expansive without encroaching on dangerous areas. It gives one time to review previous strategies and mistakes as well as prepare the proper battle plan for the future. Because, let's face it, soon the klaxons will be blaring and the captain shouting battle-stations! INCOMING! Captain Kirk, it's time to shag the alien's girlfriend!

Others find being alone-by-themselves to be just too depressing. In such a scenario, they would succumb to a sense of gloom and failure, which would hang over them. Instead, they seek out relationships just to have some form of companionship even though they are not emotionally prepared to fully give, share and ultimately, love. The pain of previous loss or romanticizing a past love locks them in a hell of their own creation. They are not emotionally available to the one they are with, which by the way is absolutely not fair to that person. But they are also fooling themselves that they have moved forward. They cry out, "Isn't it obvious? Can't you see I'm dating somebody?" When in reality, they are alone-with-somebody.

Now, of course, there is no need to choose. You can easily fluctuate between the two stages, provided there is a woman foolish enough to get involved. So on the journey toward ultimate union remember that to get somebody, you sometimes have to go it ALONE.

Repeaters

No, I'm not going to launch into a tirade about the how Pesach food repeats upon itself, if you know what I mean. And I know you certainly do. Instead, I shall focus today on relationships that come back to haunt you or perhaps ones that just come back. Several people I know are repeating their relationships. One blogger friend is actually going to remarry the ex. God help, er, bless them. A close friend found that he longed for an old girlfriend, began to think of her often and reminisced over the good times they had, over the quality of her character, the sweetness. And so he became a repeater. Another pal was dumped, started going out with an extremely sweet and stable lady but when the original girl suggested they try again, he jumped ship and set sail for her home. Another repeater. The friend ended up with another breakup for similar reasons that held him back the first time. The other pal hasn't a clue what coming to him and some people need to learn the hard way.

A girl with whom I had a brief relationship a while back, recently hinted that we should try again. I told her to take some time, go out with others and see if she still feel that way in a month. Whatever caused the first breakup may lurk in the shadows and I wanted to rule out loneliness and the tendency to romanticize the past thereby forgetting those problems. She agreed. Unfortunately she didn't stick to the plan and contrived ways to get together with me; once even under the guise of a communal meal. It took me a while to realize why I didn't jump at the opportunity to be with a beautiful, charismatic woman. I felt like she was manipulating the variables to get what she wanted from me. She orchestrated behind the scenes scenarios that I would follow through willingly and she would get what she intended. Now don't get me wrong, I'm all for giving the woman I care about everything within my power to make her happy but I want it to be coming from me. I want it to be by MY choice, not by manipulation and orchestration. I felt used and toyed with. This conjures a favorite scene from American Pie when Michelle used Jim for a one night stand and he woke up in the morning alone in bed. He was apalled at first, "I've been used...," he said. Then a wide smirk appears on his face and he says, "Cooool." But here it makes me fear such a relationship that would be governed by that level of pre-conceived (if I dare say conceived) planning. What would life be like? I'd become paranoid that behind every seemingly innocuous action or word, there would be some master plan in the works. Who could live like that? I don't want to be someone's boy-toy (well, maybe...). So while I was experiencing the turmoil of how to handle this situation, she interpreted my inner confusion as indifference and decided to cut me out. It is ultimately for the best, based on the above assessment but also logistically, too many children, not enough car space. In the end, what's best for the kids should trump all. And so I have escaped repetition.

This leads me to my latest emotional crisis. I have recently seen Tali, you remember, my ex-fiance, at prayer services. I have known for quite a while she is dating a really nice guy and I am happy that she has found happiness and someone who could deal with that which I could not. Read older posts for details. For 45 days after I broke off the engagement I dreamt of her. I still do occasionally, I wake up sad for the loss of a woman who so perfectly completed me. I see her at prayers and my heart sinks. I still don't think that one obstacle is surmountable for me but love doesn't leave on demand. It ain't FIOS, you know.

Tali turned me on to Stephen King. So in her honor, I shall quote from Lisey's Story about death but apply it to love-lost and it certainly rings true: "There was a lot they didn't tell you about death...and one of the biggies was how long it took the ones you loved most to die in your heart. It's a secret...and it should be because who would ever want to get close to another person if they knew how hard letting-go was? In your heart they only die a little at a time, don't they?"

It also troubles me that I am currently in a relationship with a young lady, Gila, in her twenties, no kids, loves mine, there is a lot of chemistry but still my dreams are of Tali. Still my heart skips a beat when I see Tali. What does that say for my relationship with Gila? Granted, this is a new relationship and the one with Tali was a long one but still...

The reality here is that there can be no repeating here either. Tali is in a serious relationship, I still have the one nagging issue (who knows if in a year or two it will be the same?), and if I was her friend I would advise against risking emotional trauma by once again making herself vulnerable to me. My Achilles heel is that logic rules out in the end, at the expense on my emotions.

For all you repeaters or repeater-wanna-be's, try not to get too caught up in the nostalgia of the past relationship or the yearning for its return. Listen to Lisey's wisdom: "But you have to remember that I've been living in the past, and that takes up a surprising amount of a person's time,..." For you and for me, the message is clear, it's time to move on, move past our mistakes, miscalculations, misjudgments, and keep the faith and live in the here and now.

If only I could have....

Play Ball?

Dating has all the elements of a good football game. Some people are Players, in every sense of the word. They're in the game and they're playing to win. All hail the one who spikes the football and does the victory shuffle. Yet, teamwork is important, group participation also has its glory but you better know how to read each others signals. Often teamwork allows you to achieve more than you would independently. Women cluster in groups, whether for protection against unwanted aggression or validation of their next conquest or for Safety. But be on guard for Interference and that all too famous c---Block (that can be read in the masculine or feminine!). I favor and have actually successfully employed, the Ray-Bert maneuver. In Everybody Loves Raymond, Robert was unable to flirt with a woman but when his brother, Raymond, was there, he loosened up and the two guys played off each other, appearing quite witty. Independently they were nothing, but their forces united to create a super-being, one capable of eliciting a giggle and a hair toss from a previously impenetrable fortress of solitude. You know her, she's the Tight End. Many a Wide Receiver or Fullback yearns to play that position.

There are times when you must go solo. For that, I'll let you ponder it by yourself. Many people don't know what they are doing with themselves and come Running Back into a bad formations. Some decide to join special teams, favoring Onside Kicks with one being the Punter and other the Receiver. Interesting special teams can be the Wedge Buster or the Hands Team. Don't judge, lest ye yourself be judged.

If you're going to be Quarterback, you better know how to handle the ball and where to put it. Pray your pocket is protected so that things will go off without a HITCH (notice there are no rings in this sport). Three Hail Mary's and redemption is yours.

Each player has his own unique style. Some aggressive, some defensive. There is the hurry up offense which is code for hurry up it's taking too long to reach my glowing moment in the sun, I'm just not getting to my peak yet. Others unfortunately get there too soon, still others are in a hurry to speed the relationship to the end-zone, not realizing that there is a lot of ground to cover first. Be aware that a Touchdown can be achieved by going a lengthy series of Downs. Although, it can be very frustrating when it's Inches-and-Goal with the defense too relentless. It's at those moments that you can really feel Incomplete.

There are Kickers who kick it right out of the playing field and into the stands. Sometimes there is value in that. Getting it through Upright is a challenge.

Often it is necessary to assume a defensive posture. There are those wanting to run one by you and you better be wary and prepared to protected your personal territory. Beware the player who has being so thoroughly coached that his plays come off so smooth and natural.

The game can be rough, exhausting, challenging, and downright frustrating at times. You can't seem to get ahead, all your efforts lead to naught. The game is wearing you down. These are moments when it's time to be Sidelined, to put the towel over the head and just withdraw (not always effective so beware). You can't go wrong with a cold shower. Maybe a short hiatus will rejuvenate the spirit, maybe a leave of absence is necessary especially if there is injury involved. But being sidelined is not without its benefits. You get to watch others as they Fumble through their experiences, you can make note of errors in judgment and handling that can serve you well, should you choose to take note. More often than not, it's good to consult the Playbook.

Some people are natural Cheerleaders (drool). They are the friends who encourage the active players to reach inside themselves and bring out their best, to move the ball forward or just go for it and make a Pass at someone.

In the background are all the fans that love to root for you but also love to hate you. They will talk behind your back and rip you to pieces, pointing out all the right and especially all the wrong moves you made, all the time ignoring the obvious fact that they are nowhere near as adept at the sport as you. These are your relatives who claim to have your best interest at heart but may cut your ego, there are your friends who cheer you from the stands but gossip about you incessantly and without mercy. Maybe they are jealous, maybe they have to put down to get their own ego-rise, all those Monday morning Quarterbacks who know everything so perfectly, after the fact.

Then again, there really are fans who want the best for you and are happy for you. Those are the fans that should be welcome in the arena of your life and all others must have their season tickets revoked.

In the end, it's all a game. One that should be taken very seriously and which has far reaching consequences for all. And don't forget, to play, you better come dressed in your best gear because everything is on the Line.