Filthy-Rich

{Southern drawl} My momma told me that her own momma used to say that you can find a good man who is rich just as well as one who is poor. {Resume normal vocalizations}To be clear, this was not meant to be passed on to me as such nor was I taking her words literally for me. I wasn't even interpreting it to mean that I can just as easily find a sweet, pretty woman who is also financially stable. Money and I don't seem to get along very well. Like any good mathematician or scientist with conflicting data, I factored it out of my life.

I have had occasion to impart momma's wisdom upon many an unsuspecting female, though. One woman's story, in particular, begins in a quandary. In the midst of turmoil as to whether to walk away from a rich but unattractive man, she was told by her friends that she "would be crazy to do so, she could learn to find him attractive, he is high society, after all." Now all those friends of hers that were looking out for her financial well-being have no concern at all for her emotional well being nor do they have a clue as to what it takes to have a successful relationship. The worst thing of all is that these friends are ruining it for all of us laymen, blue-collar, average Joe's, who are, by our own accounts, nice and good hearted but lacking in that one particular area (no, not that! Unfortunately, no testimonies available upon request).

I felt it was my duty to take the ancient wisdom that I had imprinted upon my brain and reinterpret it in light of more enlightened cultural progress and in the spirit of equality and progressive psychologically sound thinking (stop laughing please). "Friends and family may have aspirations for your acquiring a filthy-rich man," said I, "but sometimes for the sake of sanity and happiness you just have to settle for filthy."

The Dynamics of Duo

Singles weekends are like the backdrop of a superhero comic book series. Well drawn, attractive setting and colorful characters. The hero has an objective of paramount importance yet is inevitably met with obstacles that thwart that effort. Epic battles may ensue between Hero and Nemesis, each claiming Just Cause or perhaps Divine Right to reach the targeted Objective. Each of their goals are clear but it remains to be seen whose superpowers of persuasion will ultimately triumph. The irony is how their own Target may play one against the other mercilessly. In truth, the Target herself may be uncertain as to which one to choose. Mixed signals, mixed attention can be like kryptonite to the Man of Steel or worse yet, a cold lake to, well, you get the picture...

Other editions of our saga may feature not just a single adversary but our hero may come upon a den of resistance. Hero's objective may be in-league with a League of Superbeings, each with their unique charm and powers. Sometimes they would emit interference patterns to confuse Hero, perhaps Hero himself is being targeted by a different league member and so they attempt diversionary tactics to redirect his attention away from Objective. Hard core Hero worshipers call it the C-Block. Perhaps Hero himself is conflicted by multiple targets on his radar and he himself sabotages the whole operation by indecision or improper decisive action.

There are times when the League realizes that Objective really needs to be shielded from Hero who is really just a hero in his own mind. Do I hear stalker anyone?

Maybe Objective doesn't object to Hero's advances but what is Objective to do? Can she abandon her pack, her bunk-mates of debauchery, her commitment to stay by their side lest they feel vulnerable and exposed? Does she feel a little on guard because her den-mates are watching? Awkward for Objective and Hero alike. Does Hero interpret this invisible shield between them as disinterest or genuine sticking-with-the-pack behavior? His ego votes for the latter (yeah, you herd me). Maybe hero is misreading her aura or she his intent. Maybe it's just an illusion leading to confusion. How much of life is actually played out in the real world, anyway? Much of it happens only in the mind of the beholder or the one wishing to be held.

Then there is the episode where the writers throw the hero a bone. It just happens by chance that hero is in the right place and for once in his life, really just a freak mishap, he actually says the right thing, and a whole series of circumstances all play out so perfectly that one has to wonder who could believe that this would ever happen in real life. The writers were just fresh out of ideas of malevolent ways to torment the hero in his quest and settled for a simple feel-happy ending. Target acquired! Extremely rare and hardly believable but those are the fantasies we indulge in.

In the majority of cases, though, people are disappointed or someone gets hurt. The hero may fall and only rarely, there will be glorious victory. But don't despair, the saga must continue so expect a sequel where the fallen rise up again. And if not, there's a pill for that.

Password Protected Photos

Mars and Venus all over again. I wonder what on earth women are thinking by password protecting their photo or not putting a photo at all. "Oh, I believe that a relationship isn't about looks...he should get to know me first to see if he likes me..." Translation to men, "I'm ugly but maybe I can sucker you in to wasting time and effort." Now truth be told, I understand, as do many men, that a relationship is more than just based on looks. There should be like-minded goals, compatible personalities and religious levels etc. But all you women have absolutely no concept of the male gender when you withhold basic elements like appearance. If a woman's looks fall nowhere within the parameters of my attraction, even if everything else is right, it ain't gonna work. I need to know I can wake up to that face and smile. You may find me outside your parameters and that's totally ok by me because I know there are others who are into the way I look (for a modest fee, of course). Men are very visual and we need to be attracted to our mates (and so do women so stop kidding your self). Any man who denies this is an evolutionary anomaly, liar, or been pussywhipped enough to say what you want to hear.

So you still insist that maybe your psycho ex is out there and you don't want him to see you. If you're so afraid that you feel you can't date safely maybe I don't want to take a chance that this guy will interrupt our date and kill us. As for general privacy, hellloooo, your dating, you need to meet people who don't know you. Anyway, people know your not married, should they be surprised that your on a dating site? What are you really hiding?

It is interesting that your modesty doesn't extend to facebook where everyone connects with everyone else. Even though you have privacy setting, Yanki is your friend. He in turn has Mo and Larry over who proceed to check you out through your legitimate contact anyway.

Tali had the brilliant idea for a gemach for shidduch photos. This would be a great service to all the men and women who must have better photos than the massacres they choose. Also make sure it is big enough and clear enough that we can get an accurate idea of what you look like. I don't care about the pet or the boat in the background, I want to see and hopefully get to know, you! And remember you are human and the mating game can't ignore looks. Sooner or later you gotta come clean and show me what you look like. So stop wasting everyone's time and put up your picture.

[Photo Deleted by Editor]
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Fit To Be Tied

Ropes. I like 'em. NO, not in the way you are all imagining (unfortunately). Camp Lavi had the best ropes course yet. The easiest was the zip line. More challenging yet was the 'triangle' whereby three trees become the course for three different rope tasks. The first leg, involves walking across a rope while holding another rope dangling from above from a second much higher line. As you move across, you need to reach the second dangling rope to keep yourself up and so on down the line. Tali was fearless. She has no idea how much her stock(ings) went up with that show of will and courage.

The second leg has two parallel wires which you grip with either hand and lean forward to step on a U-shaped rope dangling from those two wires. You walk from one U to the next until the next tree. The last leg involved two cables holding small planks (looks like a railroad track). You walk across this unsteady step-walkway with no hands. Yikes.

The last ropes course was very challenging. A log was suspended high up between two trees. Dangling was a ladder made of long 2x4's attached to two cables (like a ladder). But this ladder had the boards VERY far apart, progressively so. You had to use team work to help each other to the next rung. I used my knee as a step for Tali and she allowed me to pull myself up by locking wrists. You were not allowed to use the safety line. Once on the log and safe on the platform on opposite sides, you walk back onto the log towards the middle. A rope is used for support. It is attached to the tree waist high but its length only goes to middle of the log. Once both people reach the center, they reach and grab the others rope and carefully maneuver around each other and make the way to the opposite side.

My entire body is black and blue but it was totally worth it. Tali wondered why her bruises showed up to a lesser extent and mine were so obvious as you plainly see in the photo. I explained that it was a metaphor for the difference between men and women. It is obvious to others what a man is feeling. He keeps things on the surface while the woman ponders, mulls things over before exposing herself (you know what I mean).

Tali believes the rope ladder is a metaphor for relationships because it was not meant to be done alone. Teamwork, trust, dependence and leaning on each other was the path to success. Kudos my metaphoric woman!

We played roller hockey, went canoeing, swimming in the lake, danced, sang by a bonfire, saw two shooting stars, and much more. It was a good crowd. Some nebishes on either side, as expected, but a good portion had potential to make something of themselves.

There were a few couples as well as one engaged couple on the weekend. The thought behind couples going to a singles event is that it was an inexpensive way to do all these wonderful things. Some may need to test the strength of their relationship while others relish the entire camp experience that you just can't get by planning a private getaway.

I find that whoever went with the attitude they were going to have a good time and along the way get to meet nice people and possibly someone special, they weren't disappointed. While anyone who went with the singular focus of finding a shidduch almost always comes home unfulfilled. Secret: If you are having fun, living in the moment, smiling and laughing, that will be the draw. Then you can, not only have a good experience but have a better chance at meeting the right person.

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Unmasked

Boy, do I feel like an international superstar. I finally gave in and joined Frumster. Apparently, citizenship in the US creates a barrier to first contact. Foreigner on multiple continents, however, share no such restriction. Women from the UK, Africa, Russia, Belgium, Israel, Brazil, and Canada have been hounding me. The fact that I won't relocate has not hindered their interest so I politely wish them good wishes and send them on their way. Why the Australians and Asians have not chimed in is a mystery.

What I find surprising is that they viewed my profile before my picture passed the review process. Whether a picture is going to be a hindrance or benefit to me, time will tell. I do not understand why people would not put up their photo. So I asked one of the woman and she claimed that her ex was looking at her profile. Who cares if your ex sees your profile? Write something innocuous. Do you really believe he doesn't know you are dating? If he contacts you there, you can block him.

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Damn it, put up a photo. Sooner or later I'm gonna have to see you and if I'm not attracted, all those wonderful chats will have been for naught. I assume you are unattractive or have low self esteem, so I won't even venture a click.

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If you are on some self-righteous test-a-thon to determine if a guy is truly not into material thing, that in itself is annoying. People are people and have certain attractions that can't be denied. It's human nature. For you to test me straight off the bat is downright condescending and presumptuous. Why not get to know me and me you and let's find a place in the REAL world? Sooner or later you will be unmasked.

The Code

Apparently there exists a CODE, immutable and inviolable. The penalty for its transgression is ostracism, scorn, and perhaps a black eye. The code to which I refer is, 'Thou shall not covet thy best friends EX-girlfriend'. It is of this I write today and let the pieces fall where they may.

What an awkward situation. Over the past few weeks my Bud had detailed to me the troubles in his relationship and how his woman, Cassi, has been at odds with him, pushing for a different level of interaction than he believed he was already providing. She finally ended their few-month relationship.

A VERY short time later I asked her to join me at a club just to get out and have some fun. I had no intentions for anything more, nor did she. We talked extensively about many areas of common interests. As the night progressed and the music held sway, our eyes locked. Unexpected and unintentional though it was, it was, nonetheless, captivating.

Now what? How do I break it to Bud? Obviously he would have liked to continue with Cassi but she didn't feel they were meant for each other (and he didn't seem too upset about it). And what of the Code??? I thought for about a week and could not think of any gentle way to tell him without hurting his feelings but, of course, within a week he found out anyway. He was PISSED to say the least and told me we couldn't be friends if I act this way.

What could I do? Give up a decade of friendship? Risk losing a life partner or was she just another passing fancy? Not an easy call.

So I went to Cassi's house that evening and told her the timing was wrong and a long-term relationship with the intent on merging our families impossible. I couldn't believe that she started to cry, which was odd because we went out twice over the span of only one week. I felt horrible that she became so attached and I know if I had gone out with her a while longer I would have as well. Then I patched things up with Bud but in the end there were no winners here. Cassi won't speak to me or Bud, Bud's feelings trampled, I lost a girlfriend, friends of friends somehow got dragged into things and others don't speak with each other anymore. YIKES, with great power comes great responsibility!

Some unresolved thoughts on the matter revolve around considering a buddy's feeling but at the same time recognizing that he is no longer a contender for a relationship with this woman. Why is it OK for another man to ask her out and have a chance at love but by virtue of my friendship, I am penalized? Does any person have the right to dictate to another who they can or can not date? Obviously, if he was still courting her, pining away for her, or their situation not clearly delineated to the point where it was clear that at least one party was not interested, then of course, no one would sanction a cock-block. But once it is clear that the relationship is over, anyone should be free to date her.

If the situation was reversed and I was put out to pasture, I would obviously mourn my lost opportunity but I would not begrudge him the right to find happiness. Yes, it would hurt but better a good friend of mine than some dumb loser. I would have put aside my petty jealousy or insecurity for his happiness.

Post divorce, with children, increasing in years, limits the pool of datable women. Invariably, we are going to overlap in this area. Further limiting that pool based on some code is ridiculous. Does dating someone somehow confer the right to have ANY say in her future relations or mine, for that matter? To some it does. I don't necessarily agree and every situation must be evaluated on its own merit. What if that fateful evening occurred 2 months, 6 months, one year later? Does that change the rules? How long is acceptable time to wait before asking out a buddy's ex-girlfriend? Is there anytime? Should one have to ask permission? What about here, where it just happened and wasn't even planned? What about if the same thing occurred 6 months or a year henceforth? Would it make a difference if they were going out for a long time? If he had been in love with her? If he had mentioned that he intended to win her back?

I know I'm playing with fire expressing these thoughts so I caution you all to please, remember, during this holiday season, to put the EX back in Xmas.

Check out a great set of articles (17+) at the Nondating Life blog about dating.

Conflict of Interest

Friends we make during our year abroad, post high school, seem to be the ones we can never get rid of, er, I mean, are the ones we remain so close with that even after long hiatuses we just pick up where we left off. I was lucky enough to go to a small yeshiva in Israel with a lot of personal attention and a fine group of guys. If I had to do it all over again, the one thing I would change is I would make the yeshiva co-ed.

This brings me to my friend Jonathan. He was so homesick, that regularly after night seder a group of us would sit with him, cheer him up, and ultimately convince him to stay in Israel just a little longer. He was very shy and had never spoken to a woman. We discussed women, dating, dancing, hanging out among other things but we thought he would always be the same old Johnny. After my marriage, I lost touch with him for some time.

Lo and behold, a few years later he became Mr. Upper West Side. Always having large groups of Shabbat guests including women!! I nearly fainted. He was now confident and TALKATIVE. He knew how to chat up the ladies. What a metamorphosis! But life is cruel and he had some crippling injuries that made him unable to work and he's always in pain although he hides it well. So his dating record took a nosedive. Years go by, more surgeries, poor results. But we seem to converse more often now (I guess because I'm single again and so we are in a similar stage).

A few months ago, he called with a question. His best friend Robert is pursuing this woman even though she keeps him at arms length. Jonathan and other friends get the sense that she is interested in Jonathan instead of Robert. So, should he ask her out or in the very least attempt to find out if she has feelings towards him? The serious issue being does he stab his best friend in the back while he looks out for his own best interests? Remember, his prospects are extremely limited; perhaps he should jump on the opportunity regardless of his friend’s stated intentions and feelings. I advised him to, at least through the grapevine, find out if she likes him or Robert or neither. Jonathan remained steadfast about never compromising his friend's feelings or steal his thunder. In fact, he tried to help Robert’s case by frequently mentioning his name to her with a positive spin. He put his little guy in neutral and remained loyal to his best friend. He was entirely selfless.

Last night he told me that in the end, he found out that she was interested in neither of them but liked them as friends. This episode had lasted over many months, and yet he restrained himself, so I commended him for showing me how a true friend and gentleman acts. I thanked him for giving me a life lesson just as he in turn thanked me for those I had given him all those years ago.

Now look were it got us...