Hey, You're Not Rachel

I recently went to the wedding of a close relative that is ultra-orthodox. She wore a thick veil during the ceremony that entirely concealed her face. It occurred to me that the photographers, who were snapping away, were creating ambiguous memories. One would be hard pressed to ascertain whether these photos were from the groom’s wedding to her or someone else. As I watched, an image popped into my mind and I had to refrain from giggling. It was the most pointless family photo I had ever seen (credit: haemtza):



Another pet peeve I have pertains to saying tehillim while walking down the aisle and under the chupah. This is one of the most emotional moments in a person’s life. It is a rite of passage, a transforming experience. But that experience is suppressed and thoughts are now elsewhere. Prayers can be said later and with better kavanah (concentration). The whole point of living is to experience life to its fullest. Be in the moment, that’s where life is happening. Why squander a (hopefully) once in a lifetime experience?

Touchy Subject

Negiah, there, I said it. The untouchable has led to the unspeakable. They both were frum, shomer Shabbat and kosher but had allowed caution to be thrown to the wind. A second date ended with a friendly goodnight kiss, the third with a more intimate embrace. By the fourth date, well, just use your imagination (to your fullest ability). Obviously there was mutual attraction. Both were good looking and had an itch to scratch.

Then the ominous phone call. “You seem withdrawn,” one says.
Enter the brain, (always a dangerous proposition). “Well, I’ve been thinking that the physical interaction is great but I don’t feel like we are connecting on a deeper emotional level.” If I could describe all hell breaking loose, it would unfold in the exact same manner. Needless to say, someone felt taken advantage of and the other felt like a cad. Now they don’t speak to each other.

Religion has a simple solution. Everything is forbidden because human drives are notoriously unpredictable, uncontrollable, and fraught with danger and risk. On the flip side, how can one truly assess compatibility without exploring the physical?

Everyone must decide for themselves when is the right moment to get physical. For some, it will be after marriage, for others, at the starting gate. Still others fall midway between the extremes. The middle of the road is often the most sensible (that is unless the truck that paints the divider-line is on the road). A couple should get to know each other first. Learn what makes the other tick, their dreams, needs, and interests. Then identify if there is a deeper connection than just the physical attraction, which is already present or we wouldn’t be here in the first place. When sex enters the scene, the ante is bumped way up. One person may interpret this as indicative of taking the relationship to a higher level. But without the foundation of emotional connection, someone is going to get hurt. Sex may also delude a person into thinking that they are in love when all that is present is lust. I’m not saying it shouldn’t happen, just try, Try, TRY, to make an honest assessment of your future with the other person. Obviously, no plan is foolproof. Just keep your head about yourself.

Dancing On Equal Footing

Across the room, I noticed her crying. Amidst the festive dancing of Simchat Torah, there was one young lady experiencing something entirely different from the rest of us.

We were in high school then & she was my closest friend. Yet, I was quite unprepared for what she would reveal to me. I could not know it at that time but her tears would leave an indelible impression on me. My perception of women’s role in religion and the limitations they suffer, was forever altered. I had always believed in equal rights and the general principles of equality of the sexes but somehow that didn’t translate so well to the orthodox world.

I sat down next to her, gently inquiring as to the nature of her distress. She looked up at me with glistening moist brown eyes and bemoaned her exclusion from dancing with the Torah. So deep was her love of God and His gift to us, it demanded expression. It could not be contained. She wanted to dance like King David for all to see her feelings for Hashem. But, alas, she would be denied that expression of her spirituality. She was relegated to sit off to the side, behind a curtain, to watch others achieve that which she could only dream. Instead of joy, there was suffering.
‘What love, what pain!’ I thought.
I went straight to the rabbi and asked him what is the halacha regarding women and dancing with the torah. I expected a long unsatisfying medieval discourse on its prohibition. What I got was a simple, there is no problem, get a torah for the ladies and let them dance. WOW! Mind you, this was an orthodox shul with very right wing politics. Who knew that there was a voice of reason after all?

Without delay I appropriated one of the torah’s for the women’s section. I have never seen such a smile nor have I seen such passionate dancing as I did that day.