Jogging A Memory
I was trying to catch up with Tali who was jogging with some guy, somewhat ahead of me. She slowed down to let me. When I reached her, I asked her what happened to her boyfriend and she just shrugged as if he really doesn't matter. She gave me a longing smile that melted me. We jogged together towards the beach as the sky dimmed. I looked at her face and watched it age, crows feet, double chin, morphing into the likes of her mother but it all didn't matter because I love her.
I woke up to realize it was just a dream again. Tears ran steadily down my cheeks. I hadn't planned on jogging this morning but I felt rather compelled to symbolically, at least, chase after the girl of my dreams.
posted by smoo @ 1:08 PM
5 comments
5 Comments:
Sad. I read your other posts about your relationship with Tali and your subsequent breakup; and i wonder..... 1: Do you still feel you did the right thing, (would you still make the decision all over again?)2: If you had the chance would you ask her to reconsider the relationship? or 3: Is it the fact that it appears she is no longer available (reference to her bf) that emphasizes what you gave up/ the level of perfection you've let go?
Your anguish in making your decision was clear; it seemed you went with logic, vs. you heart, and it has been a while....so what changed?
Nothing has changed. I haven't stopped dreaming of her since this all began. There is just a strong disconnect between what the heart wants (and misses) vs. what the brain's logic deems the most prudent course of action given the multiple variables. The fact that she is seeing someone isn't the factor that is driving this thread. I'm actually happy that she has found happiness, was able to move past grief, move on. I was worried she would be hurt and sad for a long time. Some ego, huh!?
The first two questions are ones I have been wrestling with for quite some time now. Let's address number 1. I did what I thought was correct at the time. I regret the WAY I did it but I couldn't see any alternative. Friends have later pointed out other solutions that may have made things work out. For example, looking into Blended Family Workshops or just continuing to be engaged for a LONG time to see if the issue diminished in its intensity (although I know she was against a long timetable). And Tali's words echo in my ear, "If it's right, you MAKE it work." So no I don't feel I did the right thing because I could have explored more options, inquired if she had other ideas that I hadn't considered. I wasn't open with her about my feelings/concerns and acted unilaterally. That isn't the right way to approach any relationship. Even this late in life, I'm still learning from my mistakes.
As for number 2: I can't ask her to reconsider because I don't believe I should interfere with her current relationship. Is it fair to open up old wounds if she is now happy with someone else? As much as I wish we could be together, my %&#!-brain whispers, "Er, did you forget the ISSUE? Do you really believe it is surmountable?" And my answer is sometimes it is and sometimes not. I think I need to be more resolved before I mess with her feelings again.
NJG told me that adaptability is probably the most important predictor of a successful relationship and apparently I'm not doing so well.
That said, I have written and rewritten a letter to Tali over the course of the past few months. Time and a lot of introspection will dictate if and when I send it.
If I remember correctly from your old posts, Tali, or her friends, know this blog exists. If you're genuinely happy for her and her new relationship, what do you hope to accomplish by continuing to post about how much you miss her? I'm sure she's aware of this and it can't serve any purpose other than to try somehow to get her to want to rekindle things with you. Or at the very least plant a seed in her head. I think it shows a lack of respect for her and the decisions that she made after you broke it off with her.
I sympathize with you and I know how tempting it is to play the "what if" game but I think you let your ship sail and if it comes back to port it has to do it on its own.
Good point. I didn't expect her to be looking here after so long especially while she is in a good relationship with someone else.
But you're right, she may be tempted out of curiosity.
I guess I'll set up another anonymous blog because I'm not really moving on.
Anon, Smoo is entitled to air his feelings on this blog; that's what it is for. His primary intent is not to surreptitiously influence Tali, nor cause her any psychic pain by reading it. She's free to not read his blog, or have someone screen posts for her.
Post a Comment
<< Home