La L-Word
A colleague got Tali and I into a private party at the Brooklyn Historical Society where there was a body-painter on call to paint anyone. We didn't get a chance to get painted but others did and it was quite a sight.
Tali and I had some opportunity to dance and I suddenly dropped it. Not my pants but something far more revealing. I looked into her dreamy eyes and told her I loved her. I put it out there with confidence that I'd get the RETURN. Instead, she said "I know." Reminiscent of the time she said I have a nice ass and I responded, "I know."
Later that night, her friend berated her for that Seinfeldian remark. (Recall the episode where George had to say 'I love you' a second time to his girlfriend because the first time he said it into her deaf ear, only to find out she did indeed hear him the first time but didn't respond). I, on the other hand, took it in stride for the simple reason that I knew by her body language, gaze, and demeanor that she too had fallen in love. The same is true of my behavior but I chose to withhold it, not using the L-Word in vain. I didn't want to be cavalier with it, abuse it, or diminish its emotional significance. For at least I month now, I said things like 'I REALLY LIKE you', a LOT! Divorce has made me cautious but I could no longer deny the reality of it all.
So I hear my friends, who are dating, wondering whether to have a conversation about 'where is this going' or agonize how you tell if the person is right for you, I smile to myself and consider how lucky I am. I went out with Tali with the intent of having fun and connecting. When it's right, you just know it. You shouldn't have to negotiate it. You should certainly discuss the ramifications, practicality, and consequences but you're just gonna know. You can't miss it when you see it. I hope you all find it soon and keep it alive. In the meantime, three thumbs up, folks!
Oh, and by the way, I love Tali!
(Get your finger out of your throat, please)
Labels: dancing, dating, relationships, Tali
posted by smoo @ 5:20 PM
5 comments
5 Comments:
Cool. Does this mean all the religous exploration stuff becomes a "mulligan" and you fall back into the party line? :-)
I realize it's an indelicate question, but I'm going through it myself and am wondering whether on some level our religious explorations are an outgrowth of anxiety over our newly found single-ness, rather than what we claim - an outgrowth of our intellectual growth. That I'm going through it myself doesn't stop the question from being "indelicate" and you're welcome to ignore it. But it seems to me that if it's the latter, the questioning remains. If it's the former, the questions disappear as part of our expression of deep satisfaction with our new sense of couplehood, and in our attempt to sustain it if our new partner is "frum".
I'm curious about this because maybe some day I'll face this (well, I hope I will). Maybe I'll want to face it - to have all my questions disappear because they don't matter anymore in light of the "greater satisfaction" that dropping my questions sustains.
How does this seem to be working with you?
Happy,
The upheaval of divorce made me take a more critical look at how I viewed my life and my beliefs. I probably would not have been compelled to investigate beyond the safe boundaries of Halachah even if I had remained in a bad marriage. But once I did explore, my innocence was lost, my insular mode of thinking altered.
My eyes had been opened to an entirely different (and intellectually honest) way to understand the origins and development of our religion. What seemed simple, singular and immutable was diverse, competitive, and subject to forces ranging from economic, political, social realities as well as theological beliefs.
Upon recognizing this, it dawned on me that this should be the expected findings for any critical inquiry into a history that involves human nature. Even today, we don't have one Judaism. There are many sects and movements that disavow the rights of the other to exist, each claiming they have the one true Judaism. The aforementioned forces will play out in history, manifesting as an even further evolution of Judaism. Judaism is a work in progress. It is our heritage and indeed our culture. To disavow that is a denial of our roots. Then the choice becomes with what camp will I make my home. Some of that choice will be based on not providing conflicting messages to the children's education. A part will be based on the person I'm with and her comfort zone within the gradations of religion. Some is based on where I feel most at home. I'll never be chariedi or yeshivish but I feel like MO has enough room to accommodate the range I fall in. I don't plan on giving up critical thinking or suppressing my intellectual curiosity but I will temper my remarks to be sensitive to the ones I care about and not to alienate my family from society by deviating from the social norms.
So to answer your question. I think suddenly being single was an impetus for exploration but once the journey is undertaken it can't be undone just by finding a stable and religious partner. But who you are with, will affect how you are. You must find your comfort zone. We are social animals and it's far more rewarding to be included in society than remain on the fringe or exiled. And every society has its share of demands to meet if one wants to be a member.
And there is a lot of meaning to find in ritual, if you just choose to seek it out. It may be different than what has been preached but the key is to find what works for you.
Amen, brother. Thanks for your reply, and I wish you, Tali and your combined families many, many years of happiness together.
Is Tali frum (as in a true believer)? and if so does she know your beliefs?
I hope that you and she will be very, very, very, and yes, let's put in one more very, happy together.
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